SomaCow

Originally drizzled at SomaCow.com

In this episode, we covered the South Carolina governor’s cheating ways, our manly things, Canada Day, Independence Day, and porn on the iPhone.

I feel awful… Our listener Glenn Webber took over writing show notes for me, and I just now got them in my email inbox. They are lengthy and thorough, and the last two blogs really should reflect that. Good work, Glenn!

So, it seems pretty lockstep around the show that cheating is a no no. We’ll have to verify with Mickey when he gets back. I have never understood the concept of cheating, and why you would not just tell the person you are with that it is over before you start a new plough.

I am happy I sewed my royal oats, as it were, before I got married. I look around me and see 90% of the marriages of my friends ending in a bitter unfaithful divorce. A wise guy I know says if you ever want to think a thing through, write out all the pros and cons and determine the end sum reached.

- Itchy Dick -

Many are the men who thought their one stop pantsdrop would be a momentary lapse of penis, but the reality is that more than half the people you know got something funky going on down undah. Condoms can’t stop it all, people. What if the herpes is on the pubis? Not only do you get that sick feeling in your stomach of being forever afflicted with some nasty nads, but you will eventually give it to your current partner, maybe even any kids you have. Yech. Wham, Bam, OH MY GOD IT BURNS.

- Layin’ Low -

Seriously… What if the girl you pick to cheat with is a fat chick? Or that loud abrasive gal in sales, with the hook nose? What if she’s just needy, and stalks you, calling you at all hours of the night, leaving snotty notes on your car, showing up around your boys and asking for you. You don’t need this noise. Boiling a bunny is just where it starts, and most women know that a cheating guy wants to keep it on the dl. Once a chick knows what you do NOT want, she has a choke chain on you for the duration of your indiscretion. Never give another person your rope.

- Twice the Price -

Maybe money isn’t a problem for you. Maybe you have cold hard cash pouring out of your ears, pooling around you, causing you to engage in Scrooge McDuckin swimming sessions in an ocean of finance. For the rest of us, cash is scarce, especially now. Unless you like washing the sheets once a day, you probably cannot bring your mistress to your bed, and so you end up getting hotels, or driving to their place. Might as well take them to dinner. Oh, and it’s their birthday, gotta get them a bracelet or some other hunk of metal that says, “thanks for effing me!” Whoops… Your wife is now feeling like you never take HER out to dinner, better get her some baubles, too, and on and on and on. I hear a lot of dudes bitch about how expensive it is to divorce. It is far more expensive to juggle dames.

I could go on, but you won’t read it.

Now, here is what you get for cheating - To Stick It In A New Hole

Whoopty Shit.

The curious thing about holes is that once you have explored their depth, they are pretty much like every other hole out there. Do what I did… Get pretty good at spelunking, check out a bunch of shallow caverns, and then go find yourself a Carlsbad. Spend the rest of your life learning its intricities.

And for God’s Sake… bring a canary.

Tags: cheating, comedy, condom, divorce, fat chick, friend, herpes, hussy, internet, marriage, mistress, orlando, Podcast, radio, scrooge, somacow, stalker, std, talk

Originally Deeheed, shaMONed, and Dwongirled at SomaCow.com

In this hour, we recant the Hollywood deaths of the dude with the glove, the dude with the jowls, and the chick with the boobs.

So much to cover, I do not know where to begin. Farrah Fawcett’s Tushie Tumor gave way to Ed McMahon’s Extremely Elderly End gave way to Michael Jackson’s Mysterious Myocardial Infarction, and now this…

Little Bunny Billy, flying on an airline, eating peanuts in first class, and stuff fell on his head?

I do not want to live in a world without Billy. We will all feel for his loss. Billy Mays did more for the world than 10 Michael Jackson’s ever could, and don’t you forget it.

I blame Vince, and his accursed shamwows. He’s had it in for Billy since the first Zorbeez ad aired. The advertising world IS the most dangerous game, people.

Take heart… It is Mickey’s Birthday, and it is a pretty solid hour even in his absence. Thank you to everyone who called in to wish Mickey a Merry Mickmas. Elross will handle doling out your points.

Happy Birthday, Mickey!

Tags: billy may, billy mays, comedy, ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, internet, michael jackson, orlando, Podcast, radio, talk

Originally MCed at SomaCow.com

In this, our finest hour, we talked about the lyrical gangstas, Tasty Kakes, and Small…. umm…. Packages. No, really!

I am now well aware of the fact that J, Mickey, and I are quite white. Quite.

That being said, we certainly want to pay respect to great black music. Who among us hasn’t felt the joggle and bounce of some great “urban” beats and desperately wished they could “hustle”, whatever that is? The sad reality is that it takes a lot to bridge the gap between whites and blacks with regard to music. Sure, it’s easier for you kids today with your equal regard for one another and your crazy zebra love, but there was a lot of racial confusion and misunderstanding leading up to such synergy.

I figured this would be a good time to provide you, dear loyal reader, with my list of the top five Entry-Level Black Artists, Those That Made White People Timidly Shake Shake Shake That Ass, that aren’t Run DMC.

#1. Mike Jackson - He died. Boohoo. Sob. He also may or may not have touched kids, slept with Elvis’s daughter, and freaked out a generation. But before all that, he wanted to rock with you. See? ROCK. Gently lulling the white butt to the dance floor, entrancing white flute-loving folks with his randomly high voice and slick beats, Michael made a lot of people forget his origins as a jive-ass Jackson. And he spent a lot of money bleaching whatever remained.

#2. Wil Smith, aka Will Smith, aka Willard Christopher, aka The Fresh Prince, aka “That nice one” - Before he beat the hell out of Aliens and Zombies and Immortals, Will was a rapper your mom could get behind, or in front of as it was a well known fact that Will Smith would do your mom. Maybe he added the extra ‘l’ for ‘legit’ when he became legit. Legit.

#3. Digital Underground aka Greg “Shock G” Jacobs, a Florida boy! He brought a Weird Al clothing to dope beats. Some of the best lyrics ever written in the “Humpty Dance” and guaranteed to be heard booming out of various pick-up trucks and Preludes across white America. What I liked is that he would just let the music and beat keep on going and rap freestyle to it.

#4. MC Hammer with his lead in “You Can’t Touch This” instantly enslaved an entired generation of MTV listeners, forcing them to take the plunge into black music, equiped only with some parachute pants and some of the chunkiest technicolor fly girls ever filmed. Why are his pants so baggy? Because they’re filled with hope.

#5. Onyx - In theory, this is also a rap band, but you know them as the guys that provide legitamcy to Biohazard’s “Slam”. A little know fact is that there are no actual lyrics to “Slam” or if there are, you’re not aware of them, being white, but you feel authentic as you bounce your head just in time for the chorus again to repeat “slam slam duh duh duh, duh duh duh, nana noise be boys, slam”

Did I miss anyone?

Tags: artists, biohazard, black, comedy, digital underground, elvis, humpty dance, internet, mc hammer, michael jackson, onyx, orlando, Podcast, radio, rap, run dmc, shock g, slam, somacow, talk, tasty kakes, the fresh prince, weird al, wil smith, will smith, willard christopher