Apple’s iPhone has finally arrived! But while the rest of you schlubs are camped out in front of your local Good Buy or Circuit Village stores so you’ll be first in line to prove your dorkiness, I’m already several technological steps ahead of you.
That’s right, I’m already beta-testing the Apple iThought, scheduled for release in late 2009.
The iThought is an amazing device that allows you to wirelessly receive the actual thoughts of anyone in a 100-foot radius around you. Want to know what that chick you’re flirting with at the bar is really thinking about you? (hint: no you really, really don’t) Ever wonder what your potential employer at a job interview thinks about your heavily falsified resume? The iThought digitally reads their minds and displays their words and then their thoughts on a beautiful 6″x3″ LCD plasma screen, which it can then automatically forward to your email for later review.
Unbeknownst to Geoff and Mickey, I recently brought my iThought along on an evening dinner outing. The results were…well, you can see for yourself:
Geoff: I’ll have the Beefy Boy burger, with no bun, no fries, and a water, because I’m on the Atkins diet.
iThought: i would rape a nun for a yeast roll right now
Mickey: Umm…uhhh…I’ll have the ten piece wings, medium, with extra celery, please. And unsweetened tea, with a straw.
iThought: boobies
J: Lemme get the buffalo frimps, medium, ten piece wings, also medium, and a basket of curly fries and a Corona, without a straw, please. Ha!
iThought: you know when you drink through a straw you think you’re pulling the liquid up through the straw but really you’re just reducing the air pressure at the top of the straw and the difference in pressure at the bottom of the straw pushes the liquid up from the bottom into the area of lower pressure at the top god i really miss dennis miller on monday night football i wonder if anybody ever notices that gallon milk jugs are right handed because if you hold it by the handle in your left hand the label is facing away from you and you cant read it
Waitress: Ok, anything else for you gentlemen?
iThought: i can tell just by looking at your sorry asses that you would never take me anywhere and would always be off with your derelict alcoholic friends leaving me and the baby home alone seven nights a week and you would never have time to discuss our relationship and you wouldnt remember our anniversary or even valentines day you stupid worthless pieces of shit
Mickey: Nnnnope, I think that’s it.
iThought: boobies
Geoff: And make it fast, ma’am, my horse is double parked outside.
iThought: god i cant believe i went with the lame retarded horse joke why cant i pay more attention to j he always brings the funny i hate myself
J: Oh, and bring extra napkins, please.
iThought: god i cant believe geoff went with the lame retarded horse joke cant he pay more attention to me i always bring the funny i love myself
I turned off my iThought at this point because it was starting to run a little bit hot. I think it’s great technology though, and I think it will go a long way toward bringing everyone in the world closer together.
iThought: if bitches don’t start leaving more comments on my blog geoff and mickey are going to make me do marketing activities please god no anything but that
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