SomaCow

 

 96: Oh! Tanning Bum! [1:05:19m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you today by robcalvert.com. In this episode, I go off on the Grincharian practice of putting out the tree too early. Long has the argument raged on when it is appropriate to cut down and mount ye olden tannenbaum, with some folks preferring the day after Thanksgiving, and others shooting for twelve days out from the big day… Personally, I do not ever want to SEE a tree stand on the side of the road until December 1st, mainly because I do not like to give rides to strange flora, but also because the damn things will be browner than George Hamilton working a manure factory in New Delhi by the time Christmas is upon us.

So, I need to get the Christmas ornaments down from the attic, but our only ladder is rated at 220 lbs., which means I will be stalking Gary of Just Push Play later this week. Poor guy should just eat more, and avoid this sort of unpleasantness.

We discussed our favorite Christmas movies, and here is a clever little quiz for you, loyal listener and member of The Heard:

In what films do the following lines occur:

“Shitter’s Full!”

“He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly.”

“Turn it off. Turn it off. Goddamn it! Shit! Fuckin’ Christmas! Fuckin’ cocksuckers! Jesus!”

First to name them all wins stuff, maybe even this Christmas ornament, although I am growing attached to it:

We also talked about the best gang movies, which will probably need a whole episode to cover in any real detail. Start thinking of what your favorites are, beyond Goodfellas and Godfather, and we will see if we can make a whole little thing outta dis whole deal. By the way, I was scanning Sopranos stuff and came across this little gem – The Sopranos, summed up, the first six seasons in seven minutes or something…

Seven Minute Sopranos

It’s hilarious, and it poignantly reminded me of what an utter and complete disappointment that show really turned out to be. Regardless of what Mr. Perry said, I stopped. Heaven is just a funky moose, indeed.

J, apparently, would like to be the cause of a horrific and utterly morally reprehensible event. I will let you tune in to hear his latest depravity, somehow more caustic than the “cauliflower” incident, and more unsettling than the “placenta” debacle. May God have mercy on you.

Let’s hear from the choir:

Former Fat Boys – I Want It
Richard Cheese – Do They Know It’s Christmas
Richard Cheese – Girls Girls Girls
MC Chris – Fuckin’ Up My Christmas

 

 95: What the Hell Is Up Your Bonnet? [1:03:14m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. presents SomaCow, brought to you today by muchedumbre.com. In this hour, we talk about the Bee Movie, which I cannot escape from, and the “B” move, namely, divorcing your rich husband.

Not a day has gone by in the last three months that I was not subjected to a full page ad, magazine card fall-out, billboard, television promo, myspace friend request, porn pop-up, Nigerian-bank-teller-crafted email, or friggen yellow and black smoke signal advertising Jerry Seinfeld’s latest claptrap cinema offering. Suffice it to say, the folks at Dreamworks may have spent a few million on the production, but they sank a few billion in the promotion of this film. Mickey took his kids to go see it, and their unique perspective can be heard in this episode.

To be fair, Jerry’s last movie did have the single greatest trailer ever made…

We also talked about my fascination with the Discovery Channel (see also nat geo, science channel, discovery times, and foodtv), which I honestly would be happy to have as my only television channel. Caught a neat little documentary on Bees, and learned some interesting new ways “The Terrorists Might Win”. Tune in and let me know if you think Cape Bees is all that, what?

J regaled us with tales of his love for the troubadours in some old band called, “Rust“… Apparently, they did an album about what the future would be like in 2012 or something, which the Mayans predicted would be the day that people across the planet would get the hell over pinatas already and did something sensible with their time. Please, if you like music, tell me with which what songs and why I should ever give this band a try again… Stupid, bad singing, muddy melodies, and just plain vapid lyrics… But MAN, check out that bass!

We rounded up on a somber note, as the Mighty Hulk Hogan, hero to millions, nanny to some, father of the year, eighty-seven time world champion, the undisputed master of all that is good and wild, and quite possibly capable of pinning Jesus… Has fallen. In the only way Samson might be stymied… By a SNOOTCH! A dastardly backdoor maneuver by an aging and spent wife… It’s almost like women exist only to destroy the livelihoods and childhoods of men. SomaCow salutes all victims of divorce, the world over… From Michael J to Mickey and… um… J?

I only pray this is all a work.

Speaking of Real Americans, we played the following fantastic musics in this, our finest hour:

No More Kings – Mr B
Peter & the Penguins – Bumble Bee
The Dollyrots – This Crush

 

 94: Bippity Boppity Moo [1:04:30m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

So, this episode was brought to you by the letter B, and the number poot.

Lots on the docket today, including:

New Babies! A huge congratulations to all involved, I now believe kids can be cute.

J is stalking Jen and I, by having his family give birth in the room next to where we were, or something… Just listen, it’ll make sense.

We toss out yet another weight bet, which no one will remember after today.

And Mickey is back on carbs! YAY FAT MICKEY!!!!!

And Mickey’s kids don’t suck as much as Mickey at miniature golfs! YAY KIDS!!!!

And they lanced my boil!!!

I would tell you more, but the pills are kicking in, and I am about to float off to a happy snuggle biscuit…

Play it again, Sam…

Stephen Lynch – Baby
NOFX – I Wanna Be Your Baby
MxPx – You’re on Fire