SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this episode by the fine folks at Nobodylikeonions.com. If you like podcasting, these boys broke serious ground and have held up admirably over the years.

So, in this hour, we say goodbye to ‘07 and all that it entailed, including a rundown of our respective Christmases. I had a really great time at my wife’s parents, Mickey had a miserable time in Jacksonville, and J got a tie clip, and some slinkies, or something.

Okay, so, Christmas – Three things:

1. What the hell is the deal with Brighthouse trying to pretend they are giving us a Yule Log Exclusive? I am watching my TV, and here is a yule log, courtesy of Channel 13… I go to my wife’s parents’ house, and there is the EXACT SAME YULE LOG, NOW FROM BAY NEWS 9? SINNERS!

So, yeah…. tell me how those stocking weren’t hung with care for dear old “Cunt”? Classy, you crazy cable companies.

2. Christmas Eve Dinner – One should not trust that Albertson’s will be open on Christmas Eve, because, it turns out, the manager may decide to suffer spontaneous Anti-Scroogification and send his whole staff home at 6pm, leaving you with only one Christmas Eve Dinner Option:

Believe me… If you eat this kind of meal, Santa will not come, although any creatures that may have once stirred in your home will be quite dead from the fumes, including your dogs, wife, and fish.

And…

3. Make sure you swing by Kobe and check out Isamu Mao, or whatever Diana says was his name. This dude lit the fires of Nippon and served it up with unparalleled skill and ruthlessness.

Look at that onion. LOOK AT IT. It’s like some kind of Vegeta of Babel, and stuff.

Oh, and screw the RIAA! Merry New Year, you guys! We appreciate it all, and we’ll be back Wednesday with Resolute Desks… and stuff!

Straight Outta Junior High – Meat Heads, Douche Bags, and Me
Justice – D.A.N.C.E.
NOFX – Separation of Church and Skate
PieTasters – Change My Ways

Tags: 7-11, alternative, big, bite, christmas, desks, dog, happy, high, hot, independant, independent, internet, junior, justice, kobe, likes, merry, new, nobody, nofx, onion, orlando, outta, Podcast, radio, resolute, sojh, straight, year

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you today by ESPN radio. Please check out Ryan of zoos and museums. In Orlando, we have a significant dearth of these establishments, and it seems that any amount of funding is spotty, and usually pays just enough to renovate the establishment to a two decade old standard of presenting. I expect that is what any transient town that comes to a complete standstill whenever a penny sales tax is discussed should expect.

We talk about the possibility of charging extra to tourists for gasoline, in addition to the bed taxes we already gouge them for. If we are going to develop into a city, it has to be more than just one company’s attraction that supports us. You never know when some incredibly devout religious types might try to mix things up, and it would be good to have a system of high tech, low waste producing jobs at our fingertips… At least, more than the call centers at Convergys and AAA have given us ($7.00 an hour, w00t!!).

We discussed the possibility of developing a nerf theme park, but went soft when it got down to the nuts and bolts of the plan.

We also discussed over-reactive cops, and the anger that they are somehow allowed to have. I want you to think about the guy that strove to be hall monitor, or kickball team captain, when you were a child. That asshole was on and on about the stupidest shit, all day long, and all he ever wanted was to have a tiny bit of control, in the form of a whistle, or a stupid fluorescent sash with some fake badge, just to prove he was in authority and lord it over everyone. That little prick, it turns out, invariably grows up to be a cop, and we’re tired of it. Look, pigs. I watched SuperBad. I know what you are doing. You drive through stop lights, race around rush hour, and generally pull 7 and a half hours of dick moves every day on your shift. Yeah, you might pull one guy out of a burning car, or stop one bad guy midrape, but these are rarities, and the majority of your job is sitting, half-hidden, giving out exorbitant tickets for meaningless infractions and generally hassling the public. We’re on to you, and I am ready to arm this city with enough camcorders to keep an eye on you. Dirty Birdies.

Oh, and God, it seems, is packing. Not heat, but meat.

We toasted our wieners on the flames of the following great musics:

Sean Fournier – Paper Tiger
The Downshifters – Outlaw Bliss
Amber Pacific – Summer (In B)

(Buy and Amber Pacific T-shirt… or just gawk at the model)

Tags: aaa, alternative, angry, bad, buzz, call, camcorders, centers, convergys, cops, downshifters, espn, fournier, independant, independent, internet, museum, nerf, orlando, overreactive, park, Podcast, radio, sean, sports, super, theme, tourist, zoo

Ok.

Clearly, I have no idea how to use an electric beard trimmer.

I make this claim based on the bloody clumps of slightly grey highlighted goatee currently in my bathroom sink.

It started out as such a wonderful Christmas morning. My martini hangover from the marathon “some assembly required” session the night before was nearly gone. I think “some assembly required” is false advertising. The box should actually say, in giant red letters “NO TWO PIECES OF THIS CONTRAPTION ARE CONNECTED. THE ONLY CHANCE IN HELL YOU HAVE OF SUCCESSFULLY ASSEMBLING THIS YOURSELF IS IF YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE CUSTOM GEODESIC-HEXAGONAL-TETRAHEDRON ALLEN WRENCH, WHICH IS AVAILABLE FROM US FOR $189.99″

The kiddies were all up early, happily breaking the battery covers off of all their new toys and, when those ran out, breaking the battery covers off of all the TV remotes. I had my traditional artificially flavored watermelon Pop Rocks (do not use in the bedroom!) from my Christmas stocking, and all was right with the world.

Then, I opened the gift from Hell.

The problem, as with most high-tech devices today, is that they cannot decide on what their primary useful feature should be. So, in order to compensate, they build in forty two useful features. Here I am using the word “useful” in the sense of “dangerous”, and I am using the word “dangerous” in the sense of “I’m sorry, this emergency room does not accept your insurance, sir”.

This is not a beard trimmer. This is an electric personal-hygiene grooming apparatus system. (I should not be allowed to own any device purporting to be either an “apparatus” or a “system”) It consists of a rechargable handle to which you may attach any of the following “useful” implements:

*beard trimmer
*nose bloodier
*ear mangler
*meat tenderizer
*pube yanker
*tire pressure gauge
*tazer (for those hard-to-reach areas)
*cheese/acne grater
*toenail extractor
*bikini waxer

I have not yet decided who I am going to sue, but you may rest assured that I have an “apparatus system” with which to torture them into giving me whatever compensation I want.