Not long ago, a listener over in our zany FORUMS asked the members for some advice. I gave him mine, and it nearly caused him to lose an eye.
That’s when it dawned on me: Mickey’s the Life Coach, but where I excel is in giving really, really bad advice.
So, I asked you Loyal Listeners to send in your questions and problems, to j@somacow.com, and you flooded my inbox (thanks a crapload for that, by the way).
So here are your submissions and my terrible ideas for solving your problems. Seriously, if you actually try any of these suggestions, SomaCow Media Inc., and I, personally, cannot be held liable.
Q: My six year old daughter has the most beautiful, long, flowing hair. But she got a huge wad of chewing gum stuck in it, and I can’t bear to cut it out. What else could I try? Help!
A: Preheat oven to 400°. On an ungreased cookie sheet, place your daughter’s head, gum-side-down. Bake for 5-12* minutes or until the gum softens its hold on your daughter’s hair and sticks to the cookie sheet instead. WARNING: Be sure to brace the oven door from beneath with some books or something, otherwise your daughter’s weight on the open oven door may cause damage to the hinges or the door itself.
Q: I am an avid outdoorsman. I love to fish, but all too often I get a fish hook stuck in my finger as I’m extracting it from the fish’s mouth. How can I painlessly remove the hooks? I’m tired of ripping my fingers to shreds.
A: Well, this just goes to show that no good can ever come from being outdoors. My advice is to leave the hook in place. Put a six-pack of Coka Cola in your tacklebox. Whenever you get a hook in the finger, just open a can of Coka, insert your finger through the opening, and leave it there. The acid from the “beverage” will painlessly dissolve the fish hook in 3-5 days. If you don’t believe me, you can try it with some drywall nails first. Be careful not agitate the carbonated contents of the can or clothing stains may result.
Q: I’m worried that my twelve year old son may be looking at pornography on the internet at night after his father and I go to bed. I am not computer savvy enough to be able to trace his activity though. How can someone like me find out if her child has been viewing inappropriate material?
A: There are many, many porn sites on the internet, so it would be impossible for you to monitor all of them. Instead, find a website that specializes in what is known as “MILF” porn. There, you can upload pictures of yourself naked in the shower, naked on the sofa, or naked at your son’s soccer game. If your son ever stumbles across these pictures, he will be unable to contain his disgust and embarassment, and will come to you pleading that you take the pictures down. This is when you bust him. NOTE: in order to avoid unwanted attention from internet undesirables, never post your nude photos under your real name. Always use an alias, like ”JeremyLederman’sHotMomInCleveland6969″.
Q: I suspect my husband may secretly be an alcoholic. Often, after his bowling nights, he comes home reeking of alcohol, yelling, and being physically abusive with me and our six month old daughter. I don’t want to spy on him, but I am worried that he may harm us in one of his “bowling moods”. What can I do?
A: After he returns from the next “bowling night”, load him, yourself and your baby up in the car, under the guise of a “family outing”. If you happen to live in Central Florida, as I do, you can tell your husband that you want to go to Gatorland, which is always a favorite. While your husband is driving, pay close attention to whether he weaves across lanes, hits any other vehicles, or careens off of the road into an embankment causing injury or loss of life to you or your baby. If he does, get him into AA or a fancy rehab center as soon as possible. CAUTION: Never place an infant in a forward-facing car seat.
I think you can see what I mean.
Take my advice…never, EVER take my advice.
*Or more, depending on your altitude
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