SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by The Sports Buzz. Check out Ryan and Todd’s recent interview with ESPN’s Buster Olney on SportsBuzzRadio.com!

In this hour, we talk about a subject unheard of here on SomaCow – Meat! Specifically, the eating of copious quantities of beefs, at a very mafia-swank establishment tucked away off Howard and Armenia in Tampa, Fl. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a very upscale steakhouse experience. Strangely, even with the 75 dollar plates, the ever present guy wearing flipflops and a hat was still present at this joint. Dress code violators notwithstanding, I highly recommend Bern’s for the eating of beefs. It even made me fall in love with my Mother-in-Law.

Hey! We are giving away a free iTouch media player here on SomaCow Media! It’s a nigh on $300.00 piece of technology neatiness, and you can win it simply by answering some questions. Little listening, and you are in the running. What could be simpler? Besides a woman?

We also discussed the service industry in general, and some experiences we have had recently, and we delved into the top ten things restaurants would really rather you did not notice. Maybe it would be better to just eat in tonight, yeah? It’s some good eatvice, which is just the sort of thing you can rely on SomaCow to provide you, our value-added listeners.

Don’t forget to come down and join us this Sunday, March 2nd, as we invade Texas de Brazil to hang out and consume a ridiculous amount of well seared animal. The menu from this place blows my mind, and I am really hoping it lives up to the hype. International Drive, Sunday night – see you there!

We comped the following great songs on your check for the evening:

• Straight Outta Junior High – The University of Shit Face
• The Dollyrots – Out of LA

Tags: beef, bern's, brazil, buster, buzz, clinton, comedy, de, debate, dollyrots, eat beef, eat meat, espn, free, guys, high, independent, indepependant, indie, indy, international drive, internet, ipod, junior, mafia, meat, music, obama, olney, orlando, outta, Podcast, radio, restaurants, sports, straight, talk, texas, touch

Face it guys, we’ve all done it.

Each of us, in our misspent youth, has tried to use a terrible pickup line to get a woman’s attention.

Normally, we simply fail. Occasionally, we fail AND get kicked in the nads. And, at least once in our lives, we have used a pickup line that was SO bad that we required immediate paramedic assistance and an oxygen tent.

What, that never happened to you?

Why do we do this to ourselves? The answer is simple: we are stupid and horny.

Keep in mind that WE are the gender who thinks that fake vomit is hilarious. We are the ones whose idea of “formal wear” means actually wearing socks to the wedding. It is we who can wear a beer hat to a football game with no shame. Well, unless it’s a Miami Dolphins game. Then we just pretend that we are rooting for the visitors.

In my never-ending efforts to save you, my foolhardy brothers, from making the same mistakes I have, I’ve compiled a list of pickup lines that you should never, under any circumstances, not even if a panicked, scantily-clad Playboy Playmate shows up at your front door because her pet poodle “Cokie” has suddenly burst into flames and you have just perfected the world’s first successful Dog Extinguisher, even ATTEMPT to use on a woman, unless your HMO does not require authorization in order to see a specialist.

Keep in mind that all of these lines have actually been used in my presence by actual men hitting on actual women with actual vaginas.

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“Hey, could I bum a smoke? And a lighter? And an orgasm?”

“Well, YOU don’t look like you’ll spend all of my money on clothes.”

“You may not believe this, but I know Mickey from SomaCow…”

“You know, I’m a sensitive guy. I would only put the first nine inches in.”

“Do you like NASCAR? No? Greasy fried chicken? No? Hmmm…I guess we’ll just have to be f*ck-buddies, then.”

“Do you put out on the first date? Oh, not until the fifth? That’s ok, I’ll be back four more times in the next half hour. Have your purse ready.”

“Excuse me, is this your big, fat wallet full of cash? Well, it could be, if you play your cards right, baby.”

“You know, anatomically, we were made for each other.”

“I’m not a neat-freak or anything, but I’m going to have to insist that you don’t get lipstick on my zipper.”

“You may not believe this, but I know J from SomaC…HEY! Where are you going?!”

Tags: beer hat, Dog Extinguisher, fake vomit, fried chicken, HMO, horny, lipstick, Miami Dolphins, nads, orgasm, oxygen, paramedic, pickup, Playboy, Playmate, poodle, socks, stupid, wedding, woman

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by the fine folks giving away a free iTouch media player, SomaCow! Click here for a chance to win!

We dedicate this hour of SomaCow to the woman behind Danielle is a Hor. Take a moment to hear her plight in this episode, and maybe send her some salsa and support in this terrible time. Utterly disgusting system we have created, and I go off on it a few times during the hour.

The mexican hatred in this country is at an all time high, spurred on day to day by the right wing blah-jocks that spew their vitriol into thousands of Americans’ ears every day. Last time I checked, I live in a city and state that was sold back and forth from the french, the spaniards, the british, the indians, the blacks… How can you have the audacity to deny entrance to a plot of land your forefathers were welcomed into? Unless your great grandparents were sneaky border jumpers, in which case, you should deport yourself, shouldn’t you?

I read a lot of blogs. I probably read more than I should, and certainly more than you would, and what I find out there is that everyone is filled with fear. What happened to cause such utter paranoia, and hate? Why are we seeking to close down our borders, limit our own freedoms? Cause two structures were toppled? Few thousand people passed away horribly?

Do you have any idea how many people die of drunk driving every year?

Or being injured at an unsafe job site?

The ONLY way to defeat terror is to remain free, and it is high time we gave up this retarded idea that we can patrol every border and inspect every entry. The terrorists slipped under our nose, and there will come a time again one day when something worse happens, no matter what stopgaps we put in place. The secret to winning is being brave, and standing together, and demonstrating that we are not our government. We are not our military. We are a free people dedicated to truth and the future of all mankind. We must lead, and be a beacon of goodness in this world.

Until that happens, we will never overcome terror.

We go back and forth on this topic quite a bit, and some of it is pretty spirited. I invite you to listen, and agree/attack/question as you see fit. There’s some truth, and a decent amount of comedy, racial, redneck, and otherwise. J would like to start a redneck joke list, so, if you have any jokes that poke fun at scared dumb white men, send it!

Are all rednecks white? I don’t think so. I have met plenty of dumb scared members of any race. You know what I never WILL understand?

What the hell is THAT supposed to be? Do you have any idea how much I pity/loathe you inside, when I sit behind you at a traffic signal, staring at your little three inch wide proclamation of futile bullshit, surrounded by yellow, red, white, blue, and green ribbons, and usually next to a smarmy bumper sticker about al gore? You aren’t HUNTING terrorists. You are sitting on your fat ass listening to talking heads sell you hate. “Bag Limit”? I would fall down dumb-dead if one of you ever actually went where a terrorist was and did anything other than sweat and sit still. Pansies. Utter fucking pansies. False bravado, false machismo, and shameful, all the way down to the yellowed, curling detail that that “decal” was printed 7 years ago, and this nation has yet to find the man who claimed to have caused the destruction of the World Trade Center.

Coward, peel that shit off your car. I do not fight because I truly believe the government is wrong, and has been for decades, on how it handles the middle east. This has caused this hatred for our nation. The first step to putting that situation right is to get out of their house. You do not fight because you are a coward.

Also – Check out Mickey’s Life Coaching near the :40! – It’s got Biscuits in it, yeah?

We plunked the following quiet little chords as we scrambled over your puny fence:

• NOFX – USA-holes
• NOFX – Leaving Jesusland
• NOFX – Idiots Are Taking Over

Note from Mickey: Yeah, I played three songs from the same band. It is not something I would normally do. I kind of like to spread out the love. but if you watch the live video stream on Ustream.tv, you can see a poster on the back wall from one of the greatest bands on earth… NOFX. I was also burying my angst about missing their show when they came to Orlando. I was working nights. It happens. Also, they have a Mexican in the band.

Tags: alternative, biscuits, border fence, comedy, danielle is a hor, free, immigration, independant, independent, internet, itouch, jokes, life coaching, mexican hatred, mexicans deported, nofx, orlando, Podcast, racist, radio, rednecks, take our freedom, terror, terrorist, terrorist hunting, world trade center