SomaCow

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I felt good this week, partly because the weather has been gorgeous, and mostly because I got a haircut. First paid for haircut in 3 or 4 years, second in 10 years. A man CAN cut his own hair, but he really shouldn’t (ask Mickey). Just hope you do not hear what I did, cause it destroys a small part of your manhood.

In this hour of SomaCow, we discussed the impending economic crisis. Take a moment to check out this guy’s blog (Audio music will play when this blog loads) for some backstory, as we pretty much ran with his list. Fact-checking, it’s what we are about. And yes, I am retarded, because in the episode I said, “Everything tastes better with a 9 mm bullet”, and the last word should be chaser. Blame it on my mom, cause she drank when she was pregnant.

And J makes his trium(ele)phant return to the show…. and he is… SKINNIER???

It’s a fact! J is down 30+ lbs, and well on his way to living to see episode 200! We’re all very proud of him, and welcome you to congratulate his success!

Check out his News Bomb at the :40, and jam out to the following awesome bands played in this hour:

• Weedy Factory – Did It for the Money
• The Downshifters – Money
• Notorious MSG -Straight Out Of Canton (Iron Wok Remix)

Tags: buzz, comedy, downshifters, economy, everything tastes better, factory, haircut, independant, independent, internet, j, man, manhood, msg, music, neusbaum, newsbomb, notorious, notorious msg, orlando, Podcast, radio, shave, skinner, somacow, talk, ustream, ustream.tv, weedy, weedy factory

Sorry it took me so long to post my review of our St. Patrick’s Day festivities, but I accidentally left my notes for the evening in my pants pocket and they got run through the washer and dryer, so now they’re all fluffy and hard to read. But at least they’re April Fresh and have no static cling.

When I say I took notes that night, I don’t mean that I meticulously documented all of the evening’s activities. My “notes” are more like “Plug up my hole!” or “Guinness darts” or “inflatable hat nookie”.

The “Plug up my hole!” note refers to the fact that any American can become an “Ugly American” after nine beers. We met an actual Irish couple at the first bar we went to, and they tried to teach us some traditional Gaelic greetings and drinking toasts. The only one I could remember was probably spelled something like “Phlugh ohm mahaole!”, but in my hops-induced stupor it sounded way more like “Plug up my hole!”, so that’s what I yelled everytime someone new walked into the bar. I think it means “We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.” Those Irish are so…earthy. I might add that if you accidentally stumble drunkenly into a gay bar later in the evening, yelling “Plug up my hole!” will get you a ton of free drinks.

The “Guinness darts” reference is kinda hazy, but I think that at one point we were attempting to shoot darts when we overheard a nearby celebrant explaining to a patron, who was uninitiated in the ways of thick and greasy Irish beer, that you could tell that Guinness beer is good because you can stand a spoon up in it. There were no spoons handy, however, so I helpfully dropped one of my darts into his glass. It stood up! And so did he! And then, at some point, I awoke and was not standing up anymore.

“Inflatable hat nookie” should be obvious to you. I think I was referring to the fact that, at one point, a guy walked into one of the bars wearing a gigantic, green, inflatable novelty hat. I’m talking about a really big hat. No, like seven feet wide and nine feet tall. Biiiig hat. And women ran from all corners of the bar to nestle against him under his giant hat. He left with about twelve of them. You know what they say about guys with big hats*.

So, I would give the festivities a nine on the one-to-ten scale this year. I had to subtract one point because the next morning I awoke to discover that my hole had been…well…you know.

*They have big hatboxes.

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey’s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk.

The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can’t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand “applications” from my last bout of “browsing”. The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista’s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware.

Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means “future done seen”, Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton’s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of… THOSE people.

We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It’s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe.

As an aside – Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn’t it?

Why is America so willing to “take back” Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm “just say you are sorry and all will be fine again” mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well… The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows!

Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies?

I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril)

After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee).

I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe’ Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as “Morris”, the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm… Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap.

Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from “A” tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains… Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice.

Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that’s good at Starbucks? your barista’s kidney!

We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along:

Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues… But – it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later!

For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands:

• The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
• Notorious MSG – Warlord

Tags: anything, barista, clinton, coaching, comedy, constitutional, debe, disease, dollyrots, hilary, hillary, hitler, housing, independant, independent, internet, jen, kidney, ladies, life, market, msg, music, notorious, obama, orlando, Podcast, politics, radio, say, somacow, starbucks, swedish, talk, the bible, vista, weekly