SomaCow

 

 161: Endust [1:03:49m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Game Show Radio! Check out Ross and I and a guest to be named later when we take to the airwaves at 1190AM here in Orlando, laying waste to the triviascape and frightening Curtis Earth and his team.

In this, our finest hour, we discussed The Pledge of Allegiance, the need for versatility in post-modern America, and G4’s Ninja Warrior and Unbeatable Banzuke.

The full text of what I read at the beginning of the episode, as penned by Matt Groening, is as follows:

I plead alignment to the flakes of the untitled snakes of a merry cow,
and to the Republicans, for which they scam
one nacho
underpants
(invisible)
with licorice
and jugs of wine
for owls

God Bless America. Even you bastards that have hijacked it and run it aground with your petty monkey in the middle style politics.

Truly, if we are ever going to succeed as a country, we will need citizens armed with a wealth of knowledge, and the ability to communicate on multiple levels. That is why the SomaCalf Jen and I raise will be well versed in Japanese, Mandarin, Bengali, Russian, German, Spanish, Portuguese, Afrikaans, Pig-Latin, and 3 kinds of sign language. Poor thing will be drowning in flash cards.

I actually did have the idea that we would do food nights as a theme, like, on take-out noodle night, we only speak Mandarin around the table. Mickey and J just laughed at me, and winked knowingly. I think they are plotting something.

Mickey gave us some Life Coaching at the :40 which is always nice, and centered this week on being patient, moving forward, and a really cool idea involving dry erase markers and mirrors. Get up on it!

We closed out the show with a brief discussion of my new obsession, namely, Ninja Warrior and any other show featuring incredibly gifted Asian folks leaping over stuffs. It is amazing to see the difference in culture, as these various fishmongers, ballet dancers, and various government clerks somehow transform into supreme badasses, pushing their bodies beyond endurance without, from a precursory inspection, the benefit of steroids. I find our own American Gladiators pales in comparison, and beseech the makers of said show to step up the game considerably before subjecting us to additional airings.

I cannot stand the Fraggles. I will warn you one time. If you call about the Fraggles, I will hang up on you. If you email about the Fraggles, I will delete you. If you babble in our chat room about the Fraggles, I will ban you. If you sit on the show with me and mention ANYTHING to do with the Fraggles, I will force you to eat vienna sausages. This ends now.

You know who ISN’T pale, gelatinous, and comprised of unknowable meats? These great bands, which we featured in this hour of the show:

• Gran Ronde – Say Say Say
• The Doilies – Lake Wasood

It saddens me with glee to have to report that we will no longer be in need of the services of our replacement producer, Ross.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Ross is a great guy, who does a fine production job. I only have two problems with him:

1. When we come back inside from breaks, he opens the sliding door and walks in. If I am behind him, I then have to open the sliding door MORE in order for ME to be able to walk in, which calls attention to my larger size. I don’t need that kind of stress in my life.

2. He gets paid more than any of the “talent”.

So, I’m suggesting that we cut costs by replacing Ross with:The SomaTron XXL-69 Remote Show Control

It may not bake yummy pastries or give back rubs, but I think it is the next best thing.

Hmmm…come to think of it…we wouldn’t really need show hosts anymore, either.

Well, then…

Welcome back, Ross!

 

 160: Four Eyes Are Better Than Your Mom [1:00:40m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Dr. Joseph Vo and his superior optometry skillz. You made an old, feeble, sweet smelling man feel safe, and for that, we salute you!

In this, our finest hour, we discussed J’s new glasses (which you can check out in our Ustream Channel, if he ever wears them again), sharks (and other dangerous things that can lurk in the water), and Hurricanoes and Earthaquakes (We’re all gonna die!)

Ah, glasses. I think no single appliance can so instantly, effortlessly, and effectively ostracize a kid from his existing peer group more so than a good set of really bad eyewear. Certainly, in the last few years, huge leaps have been made in the advancement of the frames and lenses, but, at the end of the day, bottom line, you know in your heart that wearing glasses means you are genetically weak. You are the fail. Team captains will never pick you for any position, and will often try to make the ball connect with your face in hundreds of exciting ways. Women can never truly love you, for you will always suffer from blind spermatozoa, forever bumping their heads uselessly against the vaginal wall, never reaching an egg without squinting their teensy sperm eyes. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but it is time you knew. If we all lived on an island, your “friends” and cohorts would set up the bomb, and drop a giant rock on your head, killing you horribly and forever silencing your fat, whiny mouth. SHUT UP, PIGGY!

But honestly, with all the advancements medical science has given us, like shoving glass into your eyeball and choking your retinas, or slicing open the ocular tissue with friggen laser beams and “deflating” your optic nerve to make it more aesthetically pleasing, you should not worry. There is no reason your continued ocular degeneration should keep you from living a healthy and normal life, swimming through the cavernous depths of some dank cave, forever polishing various junk jewelry and arguing with fat hairy hobbits about where the wind blows.

Look, people. I am just in a bad mood. I can see it in my writing. We talked about some great stuff in this episode, and you should give it a listen. We’re very funny, and very witty, and very self-deprecating, and Mickey and J BOTH get in some good ones, so tune in, and check out the following great bands.

• Goldfinger – One More Time
• Ryan Shaw – I Do the Jerk

I, for one, have already referenced Lord of the Flies AND Lord of the Rings in one blog, and I just do not want to wait around and see what will happen next. I think you and I both are better off without it coming to that.

And don’t forget the Newsbomb at the :20. It’s summed up well:

“You took a week that had no news…”

“…and turned it into a bit with no jokes!”