SomaCow

I’m not exactly Mr. HomeImprovementPants. I’m more like Mr.
Pay Some Ethnic Laborers To Do The Job While I Suspiciously Watch Their Every Move Pants. I once built a spice rack for my Mom, but it broke. She put a spice into it.

So you may be quite surprised that I’m going to teach you how to take on such a massive project. But I am confident when I say that I am quite surprised, too. The information below was gathered by watching some of my in-laws build a “deck”. Note that “deck” is in “quotation marks”.

What you will need:

40 1×6 boards, 15 feet long
10 2×8 boards, 15 feet long
1 hammer
1 chalk line
Some screwdrivers
All the screws in the world
1 pair of long-handled grill tongs
1 case of your favorite brand of beer
3 friends who don’t like your favorite brand of beer

First, decide where to build your deck. The driveway, the attic and the liquor store are all really bad choices, take my word for it. When you have selected an area, check carefully to see whether it is outdoors. If not, choose another area.

Remove any debris from the area. Remove any trash. Remove any life forms. Remove your shirt, because you foolishly started this project on a sweltering July day. Drink one of the beers now. You’ve earned it.

Hammer the 2×8 boards into the ground, from west to east. Be sure to place one of the 2-inch sides down (very important, take my word for it). Stand at one end of the boards and kick over the ones that are not lined up with the others, because they will not provide adequate support. Drink two beers and proceed to the next step.

Place the 1×6 boards across this foundation, from north to south. Carefully screw the top boards to the bottom boards. After two or three boards, look thoughtfully at your work, then fake a groin pull. Hand the tools over to your three friends and ask them to continue. Drink several more beers.

When the work is about halfway completed, stand on the boards, testing their support. Stoop over and examine the amount of space between each board. At this point, your cigarettes will fall out of your shirt pocket and down between the boards. Retrieve them with the long-handled grill tongs.

More beers, please.

When the final board is attached, stomp on the deck and proclaim that your friends are the finest craftsmen since <insert name of any craftsman you might think of here>. Finish the last of the beers.

You may very well be wondering why you needed the chalk line.

I don’t know why you needed the chalk line.

Take my word for it.

Tags: beer, chalk line, cigarettes, deck, groin pull, home improvement, project, tongs

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by the Desert Inn Motel, Bar and Cafe. A veritable oasis of trucker diner food, nestled snugly in the vas deferens of Dear Old Florida. I highly recommend a visit, if you are ever halfway to Miami and suddenly want pie.

In this hour, we discussed some select artists in the music industry, a fatty eatventure with me, and ANOTHER fatty eatventure with… me! Sometimes, I wonder if the name of this show shouldn’t be “Let’s All Listen to a Fat Guy Hurt His Belt.”

We opened up the hour discussing SynDown, a favorite side project of mine that I shelved due to lack of time and resources. Don’t cry for me, girl in a gasmask wearing dayglo fishnets, because I still enjoy what I do, and will probably pick the project back up once there is time. But in the meantime, I still listen to music, whenever I can. I try not to limit my horizons, and thankfully, working with SomaCow Media affords me an introduction to bands like SOJH, The Guggenheim Grotto, Dirty Wormz, and countless other great acts. We went into a lively discussion about indie artists that are doing it right, like Radiohead and… Dolly Parton? You betchore sweet ass, Dolly Parton!

Sadly, one of my favorite “indie” artists released a new… AHEM… Project, namely Trent Reznor and the digital downloadfest known as Ghosts. Look. I don’t want to get into an argument with you. I liked Trent since the second I heard two notes and a lyric from the man. I have followed him from PHM at the Edge, to Broken, to Downward Spiral, along Lost Highway, buried in the DVD for Natural Born Killers, around the back end of The Crow, all over The Fragile, left and right, and everywhere else the man has popped up. The sad fact is that Ghosts is a pantload. A dripping, steamy pantload. I wouldn’t play this music for a Haunted House queue. I have listened to it thrice, and it is a giant “better run to the bathroom or you are going to stain your shoes” PANTLOAD.

His last album was a pantload, too.

There is no connectivity, no FEATURE, of the album to attach to. It is like staring at a white canvas displayed at the MoMA, and wondering what you are missing. You are missing nothing, and should spend your hard earned money elsewhere. Cathartic though it may have been for Trent, I would humbly ask that he return my money, and take back his moody chamber (pot) music. Mickey says Dolly Parton is better than Trent, and I agree.

When I wasn’t snorking listlessly to Ghosts, I spent some time in Southern Florida this week, and visited yet again the hole known as Yeehaw Junction. Fascinating back story to this place, if you want to learn more, you can read the Wiki article. I merely would like to comment on the fact that, for a moment, you can almost experience what life was like in the’50s, except without all the segregated drinking fountains and people dying of lockjaw and stuff. You should go, and tell Senora behind the counterina El Geoffy de vaca del soma says “Ji”.

It warmed my heart to see good people getting by doing hard work, but I am no fool. The crush of the burger joints, the lack of civilization (fire up google earth and look around Yeehaw Junction sometime), and the fact that only one other dude and I were the patrons there “during lunch” leads me to believe that this place is probably hurting a bit, successwise. Sure, they are an official historic battlefield site, but so is J’s chair. Anyway, I am not sure what I am saying, other than the fact that everything changes, and that is good, sometimes, but more often, it is not.

We also spent some time discussing Rita’s, which really is damned good.

Thanks again to Chrispy for the heads up. Every time I feel the silent sharp stab of an icepick being forced into my brain, I think of you now!

Mickey also had some great service, as he became an 18th century fancy lad and went traipsing about to locate purveyors and proprietors worthy to fix him a cupper tea and repair his fancy watchy watch watch, wot, wot. We decided we will create a section of the site dedicated to businesses that give good service and actually WANT customers. Try and have that up by the next show, and first off we’ll have The Olde Cup and Saucer and Mickey’s Supposed Watch Shoppe!

(aka “Professional Jewelry Services
2484 W. Hwy 434 Suite 108
Longwood, FL
32779
407-788-7121

Ask for Armando… tell him SomaCow sent you.)

Also – don’t forget to check out “Cookin’ with Coolio“, if you want to kill some time. It ain’t Ken Burns, but it ain’t bad.

J’s Penis has a ring. Figure that one out.

4:30 – “I don’t like Indians.”

But what we do like are our bands:

• Stephen Lynch – Little Tiny Moustache
• Stephen Lynch – Vanilla Ice Cream
• Straight Outta Junior High – Boner

Tags: comedy, cookin with coolio, coolio, custard, dirty wormz, dolly parton, ghosts, guggenheim grotto, ice, independant, independent, indians, indie, internet, music, orlando, Podcast, radio, radiohead, rita's, sojh, somacow, stephen lynch, straight outta junior high, syndown, talk, the olde cup and saucer, trent reznor, vas deferens, yeehaw junction

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by… SomaCow! It’s our anniversary, and we’re glad to celebrate it with you, dear listeners. Thank you to all of you that take the time to comment the blog, write Itunes reviews, vote for us on Podcast Alley, send us mail, donate to the show, subscribe to our feeds, and join us in the Ustream channel each week. It means the world to us, and we only do what we do for the sick ego feeding your attention does provide us. Thanks for that, truthfully!

In this, our finest hour, we gave away the free iTouch to a lucky listener, discussed Fair Rides, and Yet Another Way We Will All Surely Die.

At last, it was time to give up the goods, and by goods, I mean the SomaCow 8GB iTouch Media Player, which we have been trying to give to a lucky listener for weeks now. The test we set up was grueling, and we thank everyone who participated. Your email addresses are being lovingly expedited to our Chinese Masters, who will surely send you plenty of offers for mortgage enlargements and Nigerian brides. Enjoy, and give all our love to Nboonswa!

We launched into a topic of the Fair, which was in town this week here in Orlando. I personally am glad to have NOT attended, as I am a notorious (sucker) gamesman, and frequently (rarely) win the many games of chance made available on the Midway. We talked about one of my favorite small town rides, namely, the Gravitron. What an incredible comic-book like invention, allowing you to feel a momentary burst of super human strength as you cut a swath through terrified attendees, slamming hot dog carts aside and nerf-tossing popcorn machines. Am I confused, or have you ever felt this burst of sudden strength after riding this ride?

We asked the question, no, not that question, “Where have all the flowers’ stink gone?” It seems that, in addition to the crazy exodus of bees wi-fi has allegedly been causing, now the very flowers are turning listless, their scent a fraction of what it once was. Mickey is presumably all for it, as he sees no purpose in stopping to smell the roses when there is plenty work to be done. Check out his Life Coaching at the :40, spanning the topic of Sticking to Your Guns. Peanut Buttery!

We have a new producer, Ross, and he gives some great notes, specifically pulling quotes right out as they are said. I think, as a new value added addition to the value our show provides, I am going to pop in some of the better quotes at the end of these blogs.

:50 – “I’m the crazy old guy at the crossroads, shouting, “There’s Death that way!”"

Jam to the world coming down to the following dope beats:

• They Might Be Giants – Ana Ng
• Against Me! – Sink Florida Sink

Tags: against me, bees, carnie, comedy, death, elross, fair, flower, gravitron, independant, independent, indie, internet, itouch, midway, music, orlando, Podcast, pollen, radio, rides, scent, smell, somacow, talk, TEST, they might be giants, tmbg, wifi