This past Saturday, I had the most beautiful dream. There I was, the sole judge of the prestigious “Miss Bacon Universe and Oral Sex Skills Pageant”. It was time for the talent competition, and my loose-fitting, velcro judge’s shorts were already askew with anticipation. When suddenly, without any warning or foreplay…

…I was awakened from my idyllic vision by that sound that every married man has come to dread: the crisp rustle of parchment as my wife unfurled her “Spring Cleaning Chores” scroll that she had painstakingly compiled all winter while I was snoring in my cave accumulating body fat and trying not to expend a calorie.

She was already dressed in her combat fatigues as I groggily pulled on my sweatpants, the sweet smell of sizzling pork and smeared lipstick from my dream now just a mournful memory.

I have to give her credit. She never shrinks from taking on the toughest jobs first. This year, the festivities began with The Biggie: cleaning out the two-car garage. Or, as she calls it, written in calligraphy on her scroll, “Operation: Get Rid of All of J’s Unused Athletic Equipment And His Beloved Technical Books That Are Too Ugly To Display in our Luxuriously Appointed Living Space Because They Were Not Written By Oprah Book-Club Favorite Nicholas Sparks, So We Can Make Room to Store More Bins of Scrapbooking Supplies”.

As I surveyed the vast expanse of crap we’ve accumulated over the past year, I realized that, even though it was piled from floor to ceiling, it was nonetheless still organized. Near the front was the “paint brushes that never got washed out and two thousand screwdrivers, not a single one of which is Phillips-head” pile, the stack of “unworn women’s shoes that were on sale but don’t match any outfits made since 1989″ and the continuously-growing area for “Things Made with Green Tea”.

Little Known Female Consumer Fact: Women will pay extra for any product, including motor oil and nasal spray, if it contains Green Tea Extract or Cucumber Oil.

Off to one side, I uncovered what I thought might be the parts for building a dog house or small wooden shed. Plywood, metal, tools…but I knew we had never planned to build a dog house because we spend most of our monthly gasoline budget in driving our stoopit yappy daschunds out into the wilderness, dropping them off, and hoping they will learn to forage, instead of always finding their way back to our house and pooping on our welcome mat to show their displeasure. Finally, I realized what this pile of construction materials was, which leads us to:

Widely Known Teenaged Son Fact: Any object, regardless of shape, size, construction, monetary or sentimental value, that gets relegated to the garage for more than three days will immediately be fashioned into some sort of skateboard ramp. My last “yard sale” was a disaster, mainly because nobody is interested in purchasing things like a bust of Voltaire with a sheet of plywood nailed to his head.

So, I lifted and carried and stacked and sweated and cried and swept and boxed and whined and loaded and smoked and drove to and from the dump, all day long and well into the night.

Finally, exhausted and covered with sticky patches from where the paramedics had applied the EKG sensors after I had tried to lift a box marked “Don’t ask J to lift this”, I stood back and surveyed my handiwork, satisfied with the knowledge of a job well-done.

And also with the knowledge that there is still no way in hell that we will ever be able to fit even ONE car inside that %*#?@! garage.

 

 SomaCow 301: B4D [57:36m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Crispy and Toasty Show.

Normally, we here on the ‘Cow are happy to do what we are best at, namely, being big, fat, great radio hosts. But we spent some time this hour being big, fat, great investigators, and uncovered a massive, secret concept you may be unfamiliar with. I am talking about B4D. I had seen whisperings of this potentially nefarious “act” on various social media sites, and had no idea what it meant. I took it upon myself to meet with a practitioner of same, and the experience rocked me to my soul. Instantly, my mind was awash in sudden total recall (COHAGEN!), and I “remembered” not only partaking of B4D as a child, but somehow… Enjoying it without shame?

Now, with each passing day, we are confronted with more and more individuals practicing B4D. While a groundswelling has been seen in lower income neighborhoods and amongst those given to slovenly lifestyles, the truth is Doctors, Authors, Television Producers, Engineers, Scientists, Software Programmers, and even Nuclear Technicians have all admitted to engaging in B4D, sometimes as a lark, sometimes with pure dedicated intensity.

I am thankful that I found a wife willing to partake in B4D with me. I was overcome with joy to the point of tears the first time we had B4D together, and now a few times a month we will sit and hold the baby while we enjoy B4D together.

It may seem terrifying at first, as all new things are, but we at SomaCow want you, the loyal members of the Heard, to consider making B4D a part of your life. It can rejuvenate the spirit, it’s easy to do, and you may find that it spices up your relationship with your significant other. I DO recommend you get the proper implements to engage in B4D, and don’t go at it half-cocked. Plan it out, because there is nothing worse than starting a “session”, only to discover one of you has to leave in order to finish the act.

The really amazing thing about B4D is how universal its appeal can be. Americans do it, but plenty of European and Asian cultures were rocking it long before we thought it up. Many cowboys would nestle down with “the boys” doing B4D, as do the Astronauts. You can do B4D with your mother (if she is okay with it), your friends, or even your dog (and believe me, if you have problems getting your dog to come when you call him, THIS will go far towards changing that aspect of his behavior. He’ll practically jump in your lap the minute you even suggest a “B4D” is imminent).

Strangely, D4B is not as satisfying. It’s almost sort of sad, and the people who engage in it are usually poor planners, heavy drinkers, and con.

If you would like to share your pictures of you and yours enjoying B4D, head on over to our new forum, and post away!

(PS, Obama has done lost his mind. I wonder if it has to do with too much, or not enough B4D.)

SomaCow Media, Inc. is happy to provide a place for listeners to engage the hosts and one another, however, we are not your mom.

The content posted on our forums may be brilliant, witty, insightful, funny, or just plain odd. We will delete what offends us, but you ARE viewing the content of a group of people that listen to SomaCow, so, might want to download and listen to a few of those episodes before you log in. All are welcome.

Enough of that noise.

TAKE ME TO THE FORUM, ALREADY