SomaCow

I am a dad, and pretty busy, but after reading the snark-dumb of the recent Frisky article “22 Things Women Can Teach Their Sons About Women and Relationships“,  (is it 22 things per the title? 15 per the link title? 18 per the CNN title? Come on ladies make up your mind!) I feel I would be remiss if I did not respond in kind. I know an awful lot about men and how to avoid irritating them, so I plan to pass that knowledge down to women in hopes that it will stem the flow, so to speak, of antagonistic gender bullying.

I hope to rid the female sex of all the things that make us rant by raising women with balanced male and female perspectives. Here are the 22 things I’d teach them.

1. Stop fucking with your hair so much. It’s weird. Get a simple cut, one that you can maintain. No woman should be spending over 100 dollars a month on hair care, nor should it take more than 5 minutes to go from “showered” to “ready”.

2. If you want a guy to go down, make sure you have a clean plate, and keep the parsley to a minimum

3. Pick up your feet when you walk, especially if you are the kind of slattern who insists on wearing flip flops every day.

4. If someone tells you that you are being “crazy”, you should evaluate your behavior. It isn’t an idle statement, it’s a subjective opinion that your behavior and thinking are not sane or rational.

5. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of children are tasks related to establishing a home. A woman can be  proud of these things.Young women should be taught to prepare food. Far too many women today are fucking clueless in the kitchen. It isn’t a prison, it’s a life-skill. Know it, and be ashamed of yourself until you do.

6. Stop looking to the eating of food as the solution to your problems. Chocolate is a fattening treat, not a therapy device.

7. Don’t ask your man to do things he does not want to do simply because you want to see if he will. It’s insulting, and he will hate you for it.

8. Gifts are another way of buying you. If you are for sale, then whore up, whore.

9. A woman who earns more than a man is a novelty. Spend less time wondering how it impacts men and more time using your position to set right the imbalances in the sexes with regard to your immediate workplace.

10. Men have nuts. Nuts itch. Welcome to the world.

11. Be on time. Seriously. It’s fucking rude to show up late.

12. Don’t spend more time shopping than you do volunteering. Life is more than pants.

13. If he does not make you happy in bed, it’s because you aren’t telling him what you need done.

14. Stop having so many favorites. A daisy, a tulip, a rose, a buttercup – all have merit, all matter, and all are indicative of the fact that the guy actually thought about you. Take the fucking thing, and smooch him. Be happy someone cares whether or not you are alive.

15. Get the fuck over your shoes.

16. If he does not listen to you, your rhetoric is shamefully dull. Think more, speak less.

17. Sharts happen.

18. Your emotions should be natural. If you are crying to get optimal action from someone else, you are scum.

19. Just because you are fat does not mean you have a great personality. Odds are, you are fat AND narcissitic, fat AND

underread, fat AND suffering from Halitosis. Work it out.

20. Avoid his family, odds are they are assholes.

21. Never say that someone will never understand you. You are not a riddle, a puzzle, or an enigma. You are flesh, sweat, and jokes. If you cannot fuck, function, or be fun, STFU and work on it.

22. Tell your mother to mind her own goddamned business, or he will hate you for it.