Face it guys, we’ve all done it.
Each of us, in our misspent youth, has tried to use a terrible pickup line to get a woman’s attention.
Normally, we simply fail. Occasionally, we fail AND get kicked in the nads. And, at least once in our lives, we have used a pickup line that was SO bad that we required immediate paramedic assistance and an oxygen tent.
What, that never happened to you?
Why do we do this to ourselves? The answer is simple: we are stupid and horny.
Keep in mind that WE are the gender who thinks that fake vomit is hilarious. We are the ones whose idea of “formal wear” means actually wearing socks to the wedding. It is we who can wear a beer hat to a football game with no shame. Well, unless it’s a Miami Dolphins game. Then we just pretend that we are rooting for the visitors.
In my never-ending efforts to save you, my foolhardy brothers, from making the same mistakes I have, I’ve compiled a list of pickup lines that you should never, under any circumstances, not even if a panicked, scantily-clad Playboy Playmate shows up at your front door because her pet poodle “Cokie” has suddenly burst into flames and you have just perfected the world’s first successful Dog Extinguisher, even ATTEMPT to use on a woman, unless your HMO does not require authorization in order to see a specialist.
Keep in mind that all of these lines have actually been used in my presence by actual men hitting on actual women with actual vaginas.
“Hey, could I bum a smoke? And a lighter? And an orgasm?”
“Well, YOU don’t look like you’ll spend all of my money on clothes.”
“You may not believe this, but I know Mickey from SomaCow…”
“You know, I’m a sensitive guy. I would only put the first nine inches in.”
“Do you like NASCAR? No? Greasy fried chicken? No? Hmmm…I guess we’ll just have to be f*ck-buddies, then.”
“Do you put out on the first date? Oh, not until the fifth? That’s ok, I’ll be back four more times in the next half hour. Have your purse ready.”
“Excuse me, is this your big, fat wallet full of cash? Well, it could be, if you play your cards right, baby.”
“You know, anatomically, we were made for each other.”
“I’m not a neat-freak or anything, but I’m going to have to insist that you don’t get lipstick on my zipper.”
“You may not believe this, but I know J from SomaC…HEY! Where are you going?!”
Tags: beer hat, Dog Extinguisher, fake vomit, fried chicken, HMO, horny, lipstick, Miami Dolphins, nads, orgasm, oxygen, paramedic, pickup, Playboy, Playmate, poodle, socks, stupid, wedding, woman
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I remember the first time I ever asked a girl out.
She said “Where would we go?”
I still hate her.
Here’s a fact… I have never asked a woman out. Twang just simply flocks to me.
First: Mickey always lies. Women dont flock….Secondly: I love those pickup lines. Maybe if someone used a shitty line like those i would laugh more….since anyone stupid enuogh to use lines like that deserve to be shot, i may as well amuse myself with them first. And Fourth: (since i wouldnt want to embarase you by counting correctly) You forgot the all famous line, how do u get into ur pants? Can i get in ‘em too? And “you must be tired from running through my mind all night” of course, that last one IS more stalker worthy….but still worth mentioning. ^_^
krysi