I get it! I’m a big guy! An obvious target!
I am especially conscious of this fact when I travel. I recently had occasion to fly out of state, which means: I had to pass through airport security.
I understand that the fine men and women of the TSA (Passenger Harassment Authority) are there to keep us safe. Especially, they are interested in keeping us safe from dangerous grooming products, as you will soon see.
I was making my barefoot, unbelted-pants way through the security checkpoint. I must have looked like I was wildly caressing myself as I made a last-second check for anything metal that might make the detector beep. I always make the detector beep. I suspect that Geoff has implanted a microchip in my skull in order to steal both of my funny ideas, and that must be what sets off the alarms.
Nervously, I approach the electronic gate of Purgatory.
*BEEP*
Dammit.
They asked me, as always, to check my pockets and then step back through, but I am pretty sure they only do this to rub it in my face that I will always make the metal detector beep.
*BEEP*
“Step this way, sir.”
This time, they took me, and my carry-on bag, over to the side. They didn’t use the metal detector wand thingy on me. They just questioned me directly.
TSA Nazi: “You’re sweating. A lot.”
Me: “Yes.”
TSA Nazi: “Are you nervous?”
Me: “No, I am fat, in Florida, in August.”
TSA Nazi: “Do you always sweat this much?”
Me: “Don’t make me have to speak to you in a stern voice.”
TSA Nazi: “I’m going to open your bag.”
Me: “I’m going to sweat on your podium.”
TSA Nazi (going through my bag): “Hmmm…hmmm…uh-HUH!”
Me: “What?”
He pulls out what is clearly a highly explosive, fully charged, aluminum-plated can of armor-piercing shaving cream. He shows it to me, with a look on his face as if he expects me to confess to a crime.
Me (trying to be helpful): “It’s for sensitive skin.”
He drops it into the blast-proof hazmat disposal container on the floor beside him.
Me: “Ok, sorry for the trouble. I’ll just be…”
TSA Nazi (still rummaging through my stuff): “What is this?”
Me: “Laser fluid.”
TSA Nazi: “What?”
Me: “Hair gel.”
TSA Nazi: “You can only transport 3 ounces of gel, in a clear container!”
Me: “Well, that’s an eight-ounce bottle, and it’s a little over half full. Can you just squeeze some out?”
TSA Nazi: *silence*
Me: “I mean it. I’ll speak VERY sternly.”
So, they finally let me through, after confiscating half of my toiletries.
I put my shoes and belt back on, and moved quickly out of the way, because…well…
The woman in line behind me had a jar of Noxzema.
With a laser scope on it.
Tags: airport security, boobs, fat, hair gel, Noxzema, shaving cream, teens, toiletries, travel, TSA
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THAT is why I have a clear card!!! They carry my stuff through security for me!
Unfortunately, CLEAR is not everywhere yet. The worst TSA situation I have ever been involved in was in Chicago. ( I had planned on writing the whole story here, but it is raiining AGAIN and my red dog is trying to climb on head). Let’s just say it was right after the liquid ban and there was a woman who clearly didn’t understand the words – liquid or 3oz, because she was having great difficulty. They held the entire line up while trying to get this woman to understand, and a gentleman in front of me realized he has now missed his flight reached into the machine to retrieve his bags. I guess you are NEVER supposed to reach into the machine. The TSA woman went nuts, and actually threatened this man to a CAVITY SEARCH!
I quickly and quietly picked up my bag (which was not yet on the belt) and backed away and went to another line and was through security within 5 minutes.
How fun…this is why i put everything (and you dont wanna know what i mean by everything ^_~) in my checked baggage. Only thing that goes on the plane with me is my purse…and thats so the TSA nazi’s dont single me out for having no carry-on lol…and nazi’s have no sense of humor J…dont waste it on them…just make whats his nuts take the chip outta ur head so u wont go beep anymore ^_^ so easy, but you silly boys make it so complicated.