SomaCow

As a fat guy, I spend a lot of time on the toilet.

How’s THAT for an introduction to get you all het up about homemade pron?!

What I mean is, I have a lot of time to reflect and come up with new ideas.
Often, these ideas have sex as a central theme. I’m a guy. What am I gonna do? Whittle?

To judge from the interwebs, every guy and his brother (and sometimes every guy WITH his brother) are making their own good ol’ red-blooded American versions of pron. Typically, this ranges in quality anywhere from “Are they on a ferris wheel?” to “So THAT’S what a cervix looks like!”. Either way, it’s about as hot as Tori Spelling giving a Microsoft Word demonstration.

Well, I’m here to change all that.

As a guy, I love electronic gadgets. At the moment, I own four digital cameras and three digital video cameras. Just because I have never gotten to actually use them to make homemade pron doesn’t mean that I can’t give you the benefit of my potty-time ponderings. If you follow my advice below, I am CERTAIN that you will be able to produce your very own pron that is worthy of worldwide distribution, or at least worthy of being sent to j@somacow.com

I. The Subject
The most crucial element of quality homemade pron (HMP) is: have a hott chick in it. If a hott chick is not readily available to you, one can be obtained at your local nightclub for about the cost of seven Jaeger shots. It is CRITICAL to make sure that your hott chick is over the age of eighteen, otherwise your work may only
be downloaded by undercover members of the FBI and by Republicans. Once you have your wife, girlfriend, or Jaegered-up barfly, you are ready to move on to:

II. The Plot
AHAHAHA! Yeah. Whatever. As long as you dorks don’t succumb to the desire to recreate your favorite “Star Trek” episode in XXX format.

III. The Action
You already know how much women like to be told what to do in regular life. Just IMAGINE how thrilled they will be when you start telling them what to do/rub/hold/exfoliate when the camera starts running! In general, if you can just prevent them from making a face that looks like they have just smelled the business end of an NFL linebacker at halftime, there is a chance that you may actually produce an erotic masterpiece. (FYI, “erotic” is the female term for “controlling the feeble man-brain”)

IV. Post-production
Even if your starlet is not a prominent celebrity, politician or masculine-looking and revenge-seeking former figure skater, she will probably not relish being recognized, should your private video ever fall into the wrong hands. This can be easily accomplished by using video editing software to cover her face. Many entreporneurs simply place a black square over the girl’s features, but it’s really only limited by your own creativity. If I ever get to make my own pron, I think I would cover her face with a picture of a plate of warm biscuits. This way, a year later when the video has become boring, there will still be something in it for me to get excited about.

V. The morning after
I hope you have your Home Depot account paid up, because, in exchange for granting your fantasy video wish, the woman in your life is going to have you working harder around the house than Ty Pennington after a bucket of Viagra Smoothies. This is why most men can only dream about HMP. And pie.

With this information in hand (HA!), you are ready to tackle an exciting new hobby.

Just remember that I am the ONLY person who can tell you whether your work is hott and creative, or would make even Pee-Wee Herman want to walk out.

ACTION!

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 8th, 2008 at 10:10 am and is filed under Cow Flops.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.