Marriage is an institution within which a man can aspire to become better than he already is, through the guidance of a woman leading him on the road to enlightenment.
(Just kiddin’, guys, I only put that up there because I figured your wives were reading over your shoulders right now. At this point, though, I think it’s safe to assume that she is off attending to some important cleaning behind the refrigerator, or ordering ridiculously expensive “window treatments” (what you and I call “bed sheets”), so we can now talk openly.)
Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but there is a sure-fire indicator that a wife has driven her husband totally nuts: he starts sentences by saying “Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but…”
As far as I can tell, there are only two problems with marriage:
1. There are too many women involved.
2. Those women are reluctant to wear the sexy Little Bo Peep costume that you rented from “Whores D’Oeuvres”.
Mickey seems to have a big problem with the fact that wives can become ex-wives, at which point it costs you half of your hard-earned money. But when you consider that women make up over half of the work force, half of every penny that you currently earn and spend goes straight to them anyway. The women then spend that money on purchases from diet and fitness infomercials featuring Suzanne Somers. The difference appears to be that when you hand your money to a cashier (or waitress, or stripper), you get satisfying goods and/or services in return; whereas, when you hand your money to your ex-wife, you get stories about how her new boyfriend Todd managed to convince her finally to try anal sex, and now she can’t get enough of it.
As far as grounds for divorce goes, Florida appropriately treats it like car insurance: we’re a no-fault state. We should thank God for this, guys, because, in other states, your wife can divorce you for using the ice dispenser while Grey’s Anatomy is on, or for not refilling the potpourri containers in a timely manner. In those states, YOU, an innocent bystander in your marriage, can have the blame placed squarely on your shoulders for not seeing mediocre, quarterly sex as sufficient motive to get out of bed at 3am to check the house, because your wife dreamed that lawn maintenance workers had invaded the living room and were putting their muddy feet up on the chaise lounge while smoking cigars with no ashtrays.
Mickey’s vision also contains a crapload of paperwork. I hate paperwork more than you will someday hate Todd.
I went paperless in 1998 and, apart from some bathroom scenarios that I’m still working on, it has been smooth sailing ever since.
My solution is simple: don’t get married by a minister with a bible, get married by a judge with a video camera. This way, if there is ever any question about what the expectations were going in, you can just call up the judge and say “Your Honor, did she or did she not agree that it is perfectly allowable for me to throw my boxer-briefs NEAR the hamper, not necessarily IN the hamper?”
Case closed.
My best advice to you guys is to wait before getting married. This means two things: you should wait until later in life, when your schedule is not so much driven by which Playstation games were released that week; and that ,you should wait until later in your relationship with a woman before deciding to get married. Remember, every day that you are with her and DON’T get married is another day that you have at least a CHANCE of saying or doing something right for once; a day that you have at least a CHANCE to convince her that a threesome with the hot, busty receptionist at her office would really be a treat for HER; a day that you have at least a CHANCE of discovering a reason that you two should go ahead and break up now, while it’s still free.
I’m going to let you guys figure out the rest on your own. I’ll be over here hacking Todd’s Facebook to make fictitious posts saying how much he likes little boys. And lawn maintenance workers.
Tags: boobs, divorce, facebook, florida, husband, Little Bo Peep, marriage, Playstation, somacow, Suzanne Somers, teen, wife
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Great as always! You are to humor as the numbers 6, 28, 496, 8128,… are to mathematicians:)
Curse you, Todd!!!
He’s really more of an 8008. And Mickey likes 5138008.
As a woman I have to say I found this post interesting. I will say I agree with the last part in some ways… wait to find the right person to get married. Divorce is awful. Don’t get married if you aren’t ready to get married. Don’t marry a girl just because you have been with her for 5 years. That is my tip. By the way – I am totally cool with my husband not making the boxers into the hamper… just sayin.
Glad you are on the woman’s side!
Wow, where to begin. Yes, feminism has hurt marriages. I say this based on what I see in America. Some men remain REAL men. Other men have unknowingly allowed feminism to reduce their masculinity to the point they are no longer REAL men. But in my eyes, feminism ( which is only found in America by the way ) has caused women greater misfortune. As we all know, women are more susceptible to being “led” by advertising, government agendas, special interest groups, etc. to the point they wake up one day and do not realize who they are. Many ( not all ) raise their children and conduct their marriage based on what Oprah says, what they see on tv, and what they read in magazines because they feel they should be doing the same things all of the other “sheep” are doing rather than doing what feels right. And that’s the problem. How can you make decisions on what feels “right” for you when you base your decisions ( without even realizing you are doing this ) on what everyone else is doing so you can fit in and feel and appear “normal.” So men, what I am saying is this… If you choose to get married, know you are “likely” marrying a woman who appears to be different from other women on the outside but may quite possibly be an unkowing member of the Oprah, advertising, magazine article advising, feminist brain-washing cult that she unknowingly joined in late high school/early college. If you find truth in my theory, then my advice is to always marry the hottest chick you can find because if they have all become the same on the inside then they are making us choose from the outside. In closing, I would simply advise women to read the definition of independence. If you are striving for independence I would not recommend marriage. And for men, I would advise looking into foreign women who have not been brain-washed by left-wing liberalism. Glad I could help.
*****
Hahaha. That wasn’t too bad. Definitely entertaining.
I would still argue that you just don’t need advice, you need law to protect you from ignoring advice. You should be 25 before you can even get a marriage certificate. The statistics on first marriages for people 25 and up is so much better! People change quite a bit between 18-25, but try telling your 18 year old self that!
why do you tell my HUSBAND that its ok to make it near, but not quite in, the hamper hmm? And any man dumb enough to use the icemaker when we’re watching tv deservs what he gets Seriously, how often do WE get to watch tv, when usually you silly boys have it monoplized? Srsly.
What are we talking about again? Evil Men? Dirty women? Im so confused.