SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by somacow.net – Check out the new studio as we build it, day by day, brick by brick, and refrigerator by refrigerator.
In this hour, we discussed the shooting in New York, ways to defeat the bad guy in a hostage situation, and eggs. Deviled eggs. Delicious, supple, creamy, bacon-encrusted, soft, yielding, sweet deviled eggs.
I have scoured the internet since our conversation, and found the following tips to be universally accepted by the majority of experts. I place them here for your benefit, should you ever have need of them. Eschew them at your own peril:
How to Survive an Armed Loon and His Gun(s) in a Hostage-Type Situation
1. Avoid the Noid – If you are going to be safe, you need to stop going out all the damned time. Stay home, order a pizza, or better yet, grow your own pizza in a backyard pizza farm. Some may say that the risk associated with a diet of organic, sausagey pizza can not be overstressed, but you really should choose your battles. Which is worse, a little left-arm tingling, or staring down the muzzle of infinity? How is some insanely Asian man going to put a gun to you and your loved one’s faces if you are at home, enjoying some delicious homegrown meat lover’s pie? Sayonala, Suckah!
2. Make Like a Battleship and Leave – Few people realize that this is an option during a hostage situation. Normally, dozens of people sit and patiently fold their hands behind their heads, lackadaisically soaking in some downtime while danger grows with each passing second. You can NOT afford to enjoy such Costanzaing. Get up and demand to use the bathroom. Complain that the bathroom is out of toilet paper. Offer to go for coffee. A real fact that most gunman do not want you to know is that holding up a group of people is very fatiguing. They will be thrilled to get a chance for a decent cup of Joe, and the recent proliferation of Starbuckseses will ensure that a double tall latte is just a quick hop, skip, and a jump past the police barricades.
Warning: this is NOT an effective escape tactic if you are being held hostage IN a coffee shop. If you find yourself held in a Starbucks, simply motion a secretly mouthed “Help” to the barista. All baristas are triple double trained black belts with green berets in Japkido and Capybera Fighting.
3. Arm Thyself, Soldier – A long held notion amongst Texans (and actual articulate people!) is that the best defence is a well-mounted offence. In reality, this is untrue, and the best defence is actually a giant flame tank. You need to purchase one. While to the unwashed and underinformed, a flame tank may seem excessive and impractical, you really can never be too safe, and a 12,000 lb tank is pretty sure to handle whatever small arms fire you are going to be faced with on a day to day basis. This will be your vehicle, your conveyance, your friend, and your confidant. Never, ever leave the flame tank for any reason, or you risk being held hostage by a crazy person armed with a flame tank.
4. Floss – Your mom was right. Flossing is just that important. You need to both remove food particles and excess plaque, AND massage the gums with this activity. If you make it a habit to carry some floss with you, you will always be sure to have it after each meal, twice as often on Tuesdays. You need to work the floss gently between each tooth, using a gentle pulling motion. Take care not to mistake piano wire for floss, as it tastes funny and will shred your gums.
5. Become a police officer, and hang out with lots of other police officers who are not bad guys – Few average-minded people realize that cops are rarely, if ever, taken hostage. Large groups of police officers are NEVER taken hostage, and can often make it through an entire week without even seeing a gun. While the investment in a police motorcade, a barracks, and all the extra tickets you will have to buy when you guys go see movies (Cops love Pixar. it’s weird) may seem ridiculous, you cannot be chintzy when it comes to your personal unnecessary show of force. The memories, honor, friendship, and corruption you and your new cop pals will share more than compensate for such.
I really hope these tips help you to avoid, overcome, and escape a mass killing. Be safe as always, and thanks for listening to SomaCow!
Tags: bacon, comedy, cop, deviled eggs, escape, internet, massacre, New York, noid, orlando, pizza, Podcast, police officer, radio, shooting, somacow, talk, tank
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What a helpful public service announcement!