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 SomaCow 355: Sexed [59:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally avoided the issue at SomaCow.com

In this hour, we discussed pictures of naked ladies, local politic nutbags, and, even though I tried to avoid it, the horrible story in Arizona.

Also would like to wish a Happy Birthday to listener FooFa, who tunes in damned near every week and always contributes on our forums at http://www.somacow.net – Hope you got laid, paid, or at the very least, a high top fade, yo.

As an aside, I just read a quote from Sarah Palin that states, “Never apologize for our country.” Apparently, she thinks the USA is guiltless, or at the very least, that her people have nothing to be ashamed of.

As part of my 104 part series, “Blame America, Eventually”, I would like to offer 5 instances that Americans should seriously apologize for:

1. Dropping those nukes on Korea and Viet Nam. We totally went there, and it was, like, insensitive. Granted, our nukes DID help cause the mutations that made Pokemon and Lo Mein possible, and the world will always thank us for stopping the spread of Islam in Viet Nam, but we really, like, totally overreacted. Our bad.

2. Killing all those Indians. And by Indians, I believe I mean woo woo. When Jesus Christ first came to America, there were anywhere from 6,000 to 7,000 Native Americans living here. They were very happy to exchange their land, freedoms, and women for delicious scripture (it is a known fact that Indians eat bibles, covered in curry. Look it up, dumbasses). Then, Jesus had to go, but before he left, he gave the Indians fire. They foolishly mixed this with water, which Jesus already had made into wine, and thus the Indians made corn whiskey (they call it maize). Since then, Indians have been on a real bender. I mean, full-on lampshade-wearing, hitting on the boss’s daughter, puking in the fax machine drizunk. America did make good on all the damage caused by firewater to Indians, by teaching them to build Casinos. So, while we did what was right, sorry about all that. Our bad.

3. Canada. You know when you are friends with a guy in elementary school, and then you get to middle school, and you still try to be friends, but now you notice your friend picks his nose, and has a lot of zits, and sometimes smells like pee, and it sorta makes you less cool when you hang out with him, but you know how important it is that he retain his sense of individuality, even though he looks like a Momma’s boy running around paying tribute to the Queen of England and insisting on trying to incorporate the metric system into conversations and mispronouncing words that end in “out”, and you really should just slap him upside the head and say “Cut that shit out, dude”, but you don’t, cause, like, why make a scene like we did with Korea Nam back in the day and piss off everyone, but then your friend grows up, and now he is a senior in high school and he still DOES all that stupid crap plus he puts maple syrup on ham and stuff and just acts weird and is never gonna get laid and now you really wish you hadn’t agreed to room with him in the first place but moving is such a pain and he always wants to trade stuff with you but all his money has beavers and weevils and webelos and shit on it, and it’s just…. Yeah… Sorry about them. Our bad.

4. The Middle East. The Sand People, also known as “Tuscan Raiders”, are painfully uncreative. It is a known fact that these people watch American movies to determine what they should act like. Turn on ANY 80s American movie, and the middle eastern characters are blowing up planes, bitching about their shitty little land parcels, eating hot spicy dirt, being mean to women, lusting after eyebrows, making a bunch of noise, driving cabs poorly, stinking, and attempting to develop nuclear technology in an effort to ensure that they remain globally relevant after the oil runs out (note: oil is not running out. See facts cited by Saint Bush, Saint Cheney, and Saint Nye via Epcot). Maybe if we had portrayed the Sand People as delightful and intelligent, sweet smelling and communicative people obsessed with cooking, art, and social work (i.e. “gays), we would not have all these problems now. Our bad.

5. Katherine Heigl. We’re sorry. We thought she was hot, and now she cannot be extricated from popular culture. Yeesh. Our bad.

Don’t forget to donate to the Cure for the Run! (and participate!)

This entry was posted on Monday, July 27th, 2009 at 5:17 am and is filed under Podcast.You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.