SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by soap. With all the filth and flarn we were tossing around as topics, it’s probably for the best that we wash something. Anything.

In this hour, we discussed Quentin Tarantino’s sexual hang-ups, rogue monkeys, good and bad advertising, the scarcity of Hot Indians, and J provided us with a rundown of some of the ‘net’s more obscure fetishes.

I was excited last week when I received a call from Say Anything Debe and Mickey, who invited my wife and I over to watch The Grindhouse movies. I had missed these movies in the theaters and was amped to finally check them out, and on Mickey’s super wide screen high definition telly, no less. We had settled in with some food and drinks, and the screen filled with purpose and sound. After the standard FBI Warning and some menu screen action, the lights went down, and… BLAM! There it was: Quentin’s obsession. If you watch Deathproof, you will see it again over 47 times, easily in every single scene of the movie. We talk about Quentin and his sick, weird thing for a good bit. How many other Tarantino film scenes can you cite that deal with it?

There was a monkey loose on the streets of Orlando. They caught the monkey. I am telling you this because you look concerned. I just want to make sure you don’t freak out when you hear the episode, and start barring your doors against some kind of Simian Siege.

Being in radio, we frequently imagine what it would be like to have advertisers. As a passive listener, what advertisements seem to have the most hold on you? Have you ever not visited a business because you found their ads distasteful, or irritating? We all give some examples of what we feel works and does not work in advertising, but the reality is that if you remember it, it sorta did its job, and Madison Avenue won.

I’ve recently starting liking that Indian actor that plays on House, who went to White Castle? You know who I am talking about. Yeah, that guy. But in all my experience with Indian filmography (2 films), I have yet to see any really hot men OR women come from that country. We kick around a few possibles, but the question stands: Where are the hot Indian people? Do I just not know where to look? Will I really regret asking you to give me some examples?

All that Indabutt talk must have made J feel a bit frisky towards the end of the hour, because he regaled us with a litany of fetishes that people suffer from/enjoy that are gaining popularity. Smoking, Pedal Pushers, Looners, Spill, Flex, Olean, Soft Serve… It sounds like a list of bad bands, and it makes me pine for the simpler days when the worst thing you might get out of your pornography is a predilection for women wearing garters. To each their own, but in the interest of science, and without resorting to the obvious scatological yack, what are the stranger fetishes you have encountered?

Don’t forget to check out my review of Fast Food Nation, which I really enjoyed. The movie was just a chapter or two of what is covered in this book, so feel free to pick it up (completely free link to the whole book courtesy of Google and the author), and grab me a baconator on your way back? Thanks, brother.

I have no shame in telling you the name of the bands we stepped on in this hour:

• Big D & the Kids Table – Steady Pilot
• Punchline – Flashlight

Tags: advertisers, anything, bad, big d, comedy, commercials, death proof, fast food nation, fetish, flex, foot, good, grindhouse, harold, indabutt, independant, independent, indian, internet, kal penn, kids table, kumar, looners, monkey, music, olean, orlando, pedal pushers, Podcast, punchline, quentin, radio, say, smoking, soap, soft serve, somacow, spill, talk, tarantino, white castle

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey’s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk.

The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can’t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand “applications” from my last bout of “browsing”. The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista’s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware.

Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means “future done seen”, Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton’s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of… THOSE people.

We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It’s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe.

As an aside – Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn’t it?

Why is America so willing to “take back” Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm “just say you are sorry and all will be fine again” mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well… The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows!

Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies?

I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril)

After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee).

I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe’ Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as “Morris”, the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm… Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap.

Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from “A” tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains… Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice.

Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that’s good at Starbucks? your barista’s kidney!

We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along:

Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues… But – it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later!

For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands:

• The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
• Notorious MSG – Warlord

Tags: anything, barista, clinton, coaching, comedy, constitutional, debe, disease, dollyrots, hilary, hillary, hitler, housing, independant, independent, internet, jen, kidney, ladies, life, market, msg, music, notorious, obama, orlando, Podcast, politics, radio, say, somacow, starbucks, swedish, talk, the bible, vista, weekly

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Jesus. For all your savior needs, drink Jesus Christ!

Fah who for-aze, Dan yelsza hor aye!

In this J-free hour of SomaCow, Mickey and I entertain ourselves discussing Easter, and religion, and the creepiness of my neighbors, who constantly stare at my pale, quivering nakedness. I, as a man, a man’s man, a guy, a dude, contend that if I own 6 feet of privacy fencing that forms a perimeter around my property, I should be allowed to take my morning coffee and smoke with all my jumblies left out for the world to see. Somehow, the old couple that live catty-corner (I hate that term) to me seem to pick those EXACT naked moments to stand at their sliding glass door and stare at my junk. It’s creepy, and no matter how much I try to wiggle it at them, they simply will not go away and leave me in peace. Am I in the wrong? Where ELSE can a man be naked but in his own yard? More so, I only have a few precious weeks left of “naked time” in general, before the arrival of my daughter. I need every minute of sun-soaked johnson time I can get!

Anyway, we spent some time on the Holiday, which I hope you all enjoyed, and we invited the girls of Say Anything in for a few shows. We thank them for helping us make radio history, as we devoted an entire segment to eating Cadbury Creme Eggs, a true Easter tradition as far as I am concerned. Have you people tried the new varieties? The Reese’s product is obviously superior, but I will entertain other submissions, should you feel the need.

We have some new stickers in, and will most probably be getting coozie and faubs soon as well. If you would like any of that stuff, just send a SASE to:

SomaCow Media, Inc.

PO Box 162224

Altamonte Springs, FL 32716-2224

And throw in a buck or two to defray costs if you want a coozie. Coozy? How the hell DO you spell that?

We brought up an interesting point: the relationship between business persons and religion, and how it is easier for some folks to search within their own pew for like-minds to engage for their financial dealings. It’s creepy to me to consider a guy picking a plumber based on that guys willingness to believe certain aspects of a dogma, but to each their own. I just think it’s tacky to put an actual Jesus Fish/scripture ON YOUR LOGO. Weirdos. Whatever the business owner thinks is coming across, all I am hearing is, “I am using God to make a buck”. Sinner.

And we talked about the girls, and how proud our network is of the longest running show we’ve ever worked with. You guys really need to try out Say Anything. Chicks talking about Life, Love, and Sex. It’s a lot of what’s right in podcasting, and we love what they do. And not just cause they would hit us if we said otherwise. I am serious. After Debe left the studio, I found a straw wrapper formed into a noose. That girl is scary.

Not scary? The following great bands that we featured in this hour!

• Hot One – Get Your Priest On
• No More Kings – God Breathed
• Flogging Molly – Us of Lesser Gods

Tags: anything, business, cadbury, chick, christ, comedy, coozie, coozy, creme, debe, easter, egg, faub, fish, holiday, hot, independant, independent, internet, jen, jesus, jumblies, kings, life, love, more, music, naked, neigbors, no, noose, one, orlando, peeping, Podcast, radio, reese's, religion, sase, say, scripture, sex, somacow, stickers, talk