SomaCow

In Altamonte Springs, FL, just north of Orlando, there is an internet radio talk show. One of the hosts of that talk show has a disease that over 18 million Americans suffer from. That disease is not “stupid political discussionitis”. This is his story.

I have had some difficulty in finding people to talk to about my diabetes, and have taken to harassing complete strangers with it.

“Hi, welcome to Panera, can I interest you in a bread sandwich with bread on it, washed down with a nice bready bread?”

“No, I’ll just have the chicken cobb salad, please. Can you put the vinagrette to the side?”

“GREAT! That comes with your choice, bread, or chips?”

“I think I’ll just skip the side, thanks. Is that green tea sweet?”

“No sir, no sweeteners in the green tea!”

“Really? Great! I’ll have a glass of that, please!”

“We just put mango in it.”

“Ah?”

“Quite.”

To be fair, I am in Panera BREAD Company having this back and forth, but I digress.

“Your total comes to (whatever godawful price things are these days).”

“Thanks.”

“OH! Can I interest you in a raspberry slut wrapped in sugar frosted doughy dough, round boy?”

“What?”

“You look like you know how to eat. Step up and get some Killer Chocolate Face, Fatty McEatsHisHouse of the Clan McEatsHisHouse.”

“No thanks”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“It’s Good! ”

“I have Diabetes.”

And she is gaspstruck. She stares at me, afraid, because she knows it’s just a matter of time until the God of Carbohydrates smites her as well. She looks away, muttering plaintively under her breath, “Good for you, eating healthy. Here’s your receipt.”

I have ruined her day, and laid out the contents of my hand before the flop, never mind the turn or the river. Why ruin someone else’s day with your bullshit disease?

Because somewhere inside, the scary 1984 Geoffrey knows that our society has been allowed to free will itself to death. At least 18 MILLION Americans have Diabetes.

About half that actually know it. How scary is that?

Gestational Diabetes is de rigueur amongst pregnant moms, causing oversized heads in infants and unbearable births to moms. Nurse herself was borderline DiaGesty with our daughter Rowan.

So if damn near everyone has Diabetes, You’d think there’d be more education and information about it. Not so.

I would have told you just four months ago that Diabetes means “NO SUGAR, EVER!” Couldn’t be more wrong about that.

With all these cases, you can pretty much infer that around 1 in 20 Americans have the disease. I went looking for some famous people who suffered from Diabetes. Wanna know some of the people I found? Do ya Do ya?!?!

Thomas Edison! Inventor of Light Bulbery, so his fading sugar soaked eyes could see to pee! No wonder he was such a dick to Nick Tesla! He needed a snack!

David “HamFace” Wells! Pitcher and Rage Sandwich Eater for the Red Sox and a buncha other teams! He not only throws a hell of a fastball, he also doesn’t make enough insulin!

Halle Berry! I invite you, Ms. Berry, to come over and have some grilled chops and asparagus with Nurse and I! Just putting it out there!

Johnny Cash! I don’t know what to do when The Man Comes Around, but he better have some goddamned Aviva test strips at the ready!

Elvis Presley! Peanut Butter and Nanner Sandwiches pretty much invented the glycemic index!

Marion Barry! Ex-Mayor, then Crackhead, then Crackhead Mayor of DC! Knowing what a crackhead does for crack, imagine what this man would do for a goddamned doughnut!

Mario Puzo! Nah Nah Nah Na Na Na Nah Nah Nah Na Na naaaaa! What have I done to deserve this miserable pancreas? I make you an offer you cannot refuse! Leave the Canoli, the Gun is Safer!

Anne Rice! I have nothing funny to say about Anne Rice! Rowan’s namesake appears in some of her books, though!

H.G. Wells! Writer of The Food of the Gods and The War of the Worlds! H spoke to the final conflict we all must face, where we the diabetecs rise up against Big Corn and Big Cane, having an incredibly tasty, but deadly, firefight for fit living!

Cezanne! He painted stuff! With his bloody just-lanced fingertips!

Ray Kroc! HA! Hah Hah Hah! HAAAAA!

So I guess this is welcome, my son, to Club Diabeteam!

Tags: bad, bread, cezanne, company, diabetes, edison, famous, h.g. wells, halle berry, panera, people, sugar, with

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by soap. With all the filth and flarn we were tossing around as topics, it’s probably for the best that we wash something. Anything.

In this hour, we discussed Quentin Tarantino’s sexual hang-ups, rogue monkeys, good and bad advertising, the scarcity of Hot Indians, and J provided us with a rundown of some of the ‘net’s more obscure fetishes.

I was excited last week when I received a call from Say Anything Debe and Mickey, who invited my wife and I over to watch The Grindhouse movies. I had missed these movies in the theaters and was amped to finally check them out, and on Mickey’s super wide screen high definition telly, no less. We had settled in with some food and drinks, and the screen filled with purpose and sound. After the standard FBI Warning and some menu screen action, the lights went down, and… BLAM! There it was: Quentin’s obsession. If you watch Deathproof, you will see it again over 47 times, easily in every single scene of the movie. We talk about Quentin and his sick, weird thing for a good bit. How many other Tarantino film scenes can you cite that deal with it?

There was a monkey loose on the streets of Orlando. They caught the monkey. I am telling you this because you look concerned. I just want to make sure you don’t freak out when you hear the episode, and start barring your doors against some kind of Simian Siege.

Being in radio, we frequently imagine what it would be like to have advertisers. As a passive listener, what advertisements seem to have the most hold on you? Have you ever not visited a business because you found their ads distasteful, or irritating? We all give some examples of what we feel works and does not work in advertising, but the reality is that if you remember it, it sorta did its job, and Madison Avenue won.

I’ve recently starting liking that Indian actor that plays on House, who went to White Castle? You know who I am talking about. Yeah, that guy. But in all my experience with Indian filmography (2 films), I have yet to see any really hot men OR women come from that country. We kick around a few possibles, but the question stands: Where are the hot Indian people? Do I just not know where to look? Will I really regret asking you to give me some examples?

All that Indabutt talk must have made J feel a bit frisky towards the end of the hour, because he regaled us with a litany of fetishes that people suffer from/enjoy that are gaining popularity. Smoking, Pedal Pushers, Looners, Spill, Flex, Olean, Soft Serve… It sounds like a list of bad bands, and it makes me pine for the simpler days when the worst thing you might get out of your pornography is a predilection for women wearing garters. To each their own, but in the interest of science, and without resorting to the obvious scatological yack, what are the stranger fetishes you have encountered?

Don’t forget to check out my review of Fast Food Nation, which I really enjoyed. The movie was just a chapter or two of what is covered in this book, so feel free to pick it up (completely free link to the whole book courtesy of Google and the author), and grab me a baconator on your way back? Thanks, brother.

I have no shame in telling you the name of the bands we stepped on in this hour:

• Big D & the Kids Table – Steady Pilot
• Punchline – Flashlight

Tags: advertisers, anything, bad, big d, comedy, commercials, death proof, fast food nation, fetish, flex, foot, good, grindhouse, harold, indabutt, independant, independent, indian, internet, kal penn, kids table, kumar, looners, monkey, music, olean, orlando, pedal pushers, Podcast, punchline, quentin, radio, say, smoking, soap, soft serve, somacow, spill, talk, tarantino, white castle

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Olde Cup and Saucer. It’s the best damn gypsy business in town, and Jen and I absolutely love it.

In this episode, we discussed my newfound love for tea, in all its forms, from the new Pure Leaf stuff being pimped by Lipton to this special magic brew oolong bomb secret spicy tea I am drinking. I only ask 2 things from my tea – be cold, and not taste like rotting fruit. There is NOTHING worse than tea that has sat in a cistern at a fast food restaurant for too long, and now every sip makes you wonder if it was brewed from the grout cleanings at the local YMCA shower. Except maybe Nestea. Holy crap, there must be acid in that stuff, like, scour your pooldeck acid, cause it will give you the burning coughy all day long.

We tried out a new segment, where I quiz my fellow hosts in an effort to determine who is paying attention. I think it was fun, Mickey and J looked silly, and the listeners enoyed playing along, so I think I will make it a Staple each week. Play along in the chatroom, and prove to everyone else that you are the smart!
We talked about a terrible story from Hawaii, where bureaucracy has caused one family the ultimate in suffering. For shame, faceless governmental agency sprouting needlessly from our senseless fear… For SHAME.

We also talk about my MAN! He may not be as lefty as Kucinich, or as outsidery as Ron Paul, but I feel like it is time. It’s time, for

I cannot wait! A vote for Obama is a vote against old people!

I choked down so much meat this week, that my olfactory isn’t making enough ol’ offal for me to get through Henry Rollins, so I cheated and pre-reviewed Mr. Black’s book. I am ashamed, you are nonplussed, Amazon is waiting for your credit card number.

We all agree that the writer’s strike, while lengthy, was unnecessary. After watching recent episodes of all the major evening shows, it is apparent that the writers were not what made the shows so good.

Mickey rarely suggests links, so you should take notice of these:

Funny or Die

You Suck At Photoshop

Andy Mila… Millakno…. Milinoc…. That Fat Greek Kid is NOT The Man Show Boy. I am serious, look it up.

Mickey also regaled us with a film that we must go see, if only to look for traces of Chrispy.

Please feel free to send us your independent music, movie scripts, finger paintings, pictures of bewbs, and other assorted creative stuffs, and we will happily display it in a place of prominence, here, on the internet’s refrigerator door of justice. moo@somacow.com!

Music:

• The Saints – Je Fuckin’ T’aime

• Bad Astronaut – Auto Care

Hey, about that Free iPod! Make sure you check the top o’ the page for the linkity link!

Tags: alternative, andy, astronaut, atkins, bad, barack, black, boobs, chat, comedy, constipation, cup, die, diet, free, funny, futi, hawaii, henry, independant, independent, internet, ipod, kucinich, leaf, lewis, man, michael, milonakis, movie, music, obama, olde, orlando, paul, photoshop, pittsburgh, Podcast, pure, quiz, radio, rollins, ron, saints, samoa, saucer, scripts, show, shower, suck, tea, ustream, ymca