Mickey’s Vacation
Beefs
The Brothers Wright
Newsbomb
Shit My Dad Says
Restless Leg Syndrome
Glenn Webber = Older
Rip, Ride, Rockit, Redo
Jarate
Raw Fish, On the Cheap. Quick.
The Raw Dog Diet
Boardwalk Empire
Custom Agent Shunned

In this hour, we discussed shopping with another man, Technicolor, and some guy who lives in Orlando and wears a panda suit. I don’t know, just go with it. Can’t be any worse than our standard third hour fare, right?

I was shocked to learn that Mickey thinks I over-order at the butcher. Maybe I do, but that is only because I shop when I am hungry. Here, for your pleasure, are my High Dollar Food Grocery Chain seeking tips, courtesy of the ‘Cow:

1. Never Shop Hungry. As soon as you arrive at your local high end grocery store, head straight for the olive bar. You can theoretically eat 48 of these in a few seconds, and the layer of olives, oil, and salt in your stomach will help you to make smarter choices in your cuts. Ignore the stares of other patrons and employees… Their coats are not shiny.

2. Buy in Bulk. If London Broil, or Delmonicoes, or even a good beef stew meat is on sale, it doesn’t matter how many people are being served, how much meat you can safely ingest in a months time, or even the contents of your meager checking account. BUY IT ALL. I have NEVER looked across the table and thought, “gee, I purchased reasonably! I am thrilled to not have leftovers!” You can never have too much meat. If you ever find yourself in such a ridiculous predicament, come see me.

3. Stick to the Meats and Vegetables. It’s a known fact that all higher end grocers line their counters with great priced local produce and fresh, tasty food. So why is everyone in this store so fat? It’s the Pastry, stupid. Covered in butter, swollen with sugary goodness, these evil entrepreneurs have left eclairs and napoleans aplenty lurking behind each and every corner. You have to be strong, and slap aside such sweettraps. Eye on the prize, never look back just keep…. Oh… It’s got key lime filling? Okay, just… Just give me 18 of them. Thanks! Oh! Hey, is that sea salt and habenero popcorn over there? That goes good with Kona, right?

4. Carry a Basket. This is the only real tip on the list. You should not be eating more than you can carry (unless it is cheap beef, see tip #2). If you get a cart, you can load and load and load, and the next thing you know, you have a $456.82 bill and you are wondering just how the hell does one cook butternut squash, anyway? Avoid this scenario, and just get the li’l basket. Ignore the fact that your friend keeps insulting your sexuality and asking if you are going to see your grandmother. 1 in 5 adults have Herpes, and he is looking 20, if you know what I mean.

5. Get Your Wife to Do It. I cannot stress this enough: The easiest way to get a chore done quickly and with a minimum of effort is to have someone else do it. Life is so much easier when you have other people buy your food, cook your meals, tie your shoes, write your blogs. If you do it, and it sucks, or does not go well, or in any way fails, you have to scramble for someone to blame. Only by sitting back, and forcing others to do your bidding can you truly find fault, and yet not exert effort.

Best of luck, Shoppers!

Neighbors done looking at you yet? Good.

In this, our… um… Hour, we discussed a myriad of topics, both sophomoric and profound. We ran the gambit of gabbery on a gadabout glorious… We attacked the tough issues facing Amer….

Okay, it was straight fart talk for twenty minutes. But that is to be expected at this point. We all had a lotta ribs and beefs, and that makes for this type of discussion. Surely you can understand. We bravely attempted to pull the show out of its nosedive of frappery with a topic on steakhouses – specifically, is the steakhouse dying? Why are all the chains dropping in quality or shutting their doors? Look at the facts:

Outback – Sucked. No two bones about it, whatever they are doing today (dry bread, yellow salads, tough beefs, dumb staff) is a pale shell of what they once had going on

Longhorn – Salted beefs? My mamma always said, if you gotta put that much seasoning on, you are trying to hide something. What is the secret to your salty beefs, oh Horn of Assumed Length?

Image via Wikipedia

Roadhouse – Closed, assumed Orlando bankrupt. I will miss your yeasty bounty, and bloody medium rare beefs most of all, scarecrow

Steak and Ale – Someone finally put the fork in this cheesy seventies franchise. Gasp! Where will rude dumb teenagers hold their post-graduation dinners now?!

It doesn’t leave us with much, does it folks?

Houstons? Overpriced at best – Seriously – who is paying 12 dollars for a baked potato? It’s a TUBER, for Christ’s sake!

Fleming’s – I’ve never been, how is it?

Image via Wikipedia

Ruth’s Chris – a fascinating establishment, capable of delivering a steak that tastes like it sat in a bowl of Redenbacher’s finest overnight. By which I mean to say, your butter has beef flavor on it.

Ted’s – I would pay a hundred dollars to eat at Ted’s, to try a Ted on the

side, and wash it down with a Ted.

We, sadly, went all D and D at the end. Mickey tried to save us with some good Life Coaching at the :42, but the damage was done, and we never really recovered.

We sat for three hours waiting for our salads, listening to the following great music:

• Mad Caddies – Villians

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In this episode the guys talk about beefs, small packages, and porn!

You know, having a baby sure does change your life. And I’m not talking about the physical act of birthing the baby, I mean just having one around. You might say “duh” but let me tell you… For the last 9 years, until 4 months ago, Geoff was a night owl. He would be up until 1 am easily watching TV, playing on the computer… I can’t count the number of times I fell asleep sitting up just trying to keep up with him. But that baby…you suddenly have all of these new worries, or, if they are the same worries, they are 10 times more worrisome now… Is the baby eating enough? Too much? How will I pay for her college? Is she happy? Will I lose my job? Who will watch her? Will she take the bottle???

And while I worry about them, Geoff works 60 hour weeks, puts on a great show, and spends as much time as he can with Rowan, all along worrying about the above and 100 other things. I’m glad he worries, I’m glad to know I’m not alone, and it’s good he thinks about these things and doesn’t just shrug things off until the worst happens.The worrying never goes away, though, does it?

So anyway, yeah, I’m using this blog space to type this (what else will I do with the notes I have ha! *wink*) as Geoff has passed out next to me at 9 PM and has to be up again early tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to also throw his bedtime clothes on.

So in this episode, where Geoff, Mickey, J, and the live chatroom were definitely not sleeping, McDonalds was blamed for the meatpocalypse. Then Mickey talked about his small package and gave us all an update. Thanks Mickey!

After that they went into porn and the Chinese Milk drama. I can not wait to go back and listen to THAT segue!

Most importantly, birthdays were talked about. Who doesn’t love a birthday?? Well, Ross is hitting a big one (not the rolled up or water or gravity style, his age silly) and we hear he is having some kind of get together. Rumor has it maybe some trivia involved? We are so there!

So Ross, Happy Birthday. Despite what the song says, you are special!

And Geoff’s birthday is coming up and we are planning some mega-eating for that one. Check in, we’ll keep you posted on where and when but for now, pencil in Saturday, October 25th for some eating!

And in this week’s Weekly Constitutional (which he really does have to do in the bathroom, when else would he have time?) Geoff laments the fact that his Borders was going out of business. The only good thing? The number of books he got for next to nothing! But it is sad…all the little independent stores are practically gone and now the big ones, too?

What isn’t gone is our great music played this episode:

• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain
• No More Kings – God Breathed

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We discussed Hillary’s Sad Swan Song, The Best Damn Commercial On TV Right Now, and The Impending Beef Crisis!

Politics is crap. The Republicans are staring down the barrel of a rapidly declining empire. In their wake, the Democrats have a rare opportunity to steamroll their agenda through and, “supposedly”, fix America. What have they chosen to do? The same thing every empire does in the wake of a dying dynasty. Squabble! Hillary wants votes counted, then she doesn’t, then she wants revotes. Obama wants you to ignore his pastor, then he doesn’t, then he fires his church to appease fat, gun-ridden and xenophobic America. Good job, guys! Way to show dignity, and not provide limitless ammunition for pundits and potshotters across this country. Douchecrats.

After swelling me with Anger, Mickey calms the room and awakens J with some audio from my favorite man (man’s man, guy, dude) on television, Mike Rowe. From his humble beginnings as a QVC Cat Toy Salesman, to his current status as the voice, face, and backbone of Discovery Channel, everything this guy touches turns to gold. I have a hundred dollars that says Mike Rowe will do a dirty job from a rocket or the space station in the next ten years. Well, maybe not a hundred dollars… We’ll see…

In all seriousness, Mike Rowe is what every man should be – Classically trained, possessing a strong baritone voice, capable of accessing an extensive vocabulary, in shape, thoughtful, humble… I think Mike Rowe might be Jesus.

But not even he can save us from the impending beef crisis. I am having difficulty coming up with a flow chart to explain the corn-ethanol-farmer-rancher-beefs cycle, but all I can say is you people need to stock up on the meats, stat. We will all be eating turkey burgers and pork stew soon enough. Unless we just start feeding American dollar bills to cows. Think about it – it’s green, it’s essentially worthless, and the new fives will make for some neat purple cowflops!

Listen, learn, laugh, and converse. We appreciate it!

We also chawed down on the following great bands:

• Black Francis – Seven Fingers
• Wes Charlton – Before I Die

I’ll tell you what we would do without you. We would eat flamed beefs. All day, every day. But, as good as that would be, it would still leave a large empty place in our hearts, though not our thighs.

What would be the point of us getting actors’ names mixed up, making up ridiculous news stories or tickling fatties on the webcam if it weren’t for you, and the time you spend with us?

Everything we do here at SomaCow, we do for our listeners. Whether it’s giving away a free iPod Touch (no purchase necessary, some restrictions apply), scouring the Interwebz for things that
might interest you, or coughing into the mic during Mickey’s Life Coaching segment, the point is: you complete us.

And what is our reward? What’s in it for us? It’s the growth of our show, our network and ourselves (for which you listeners are not ENTIRELY responsible, see flamed beefs above).

So thanks to each and every one of you who has downloaded our podcast, or listened to us live on Sundays from 2-5pm EST, or watched our video stream on ustream.tv, or donated funds or commented our blogs or entered our contests.

THIS JUST IN:
Ok, one of you listeners has gone completely nuts. And we love it!
Candy, our favorite stripper from the midwest, has captured the very ESSENCE of the personalities on the SomaCow show with her masterful and insightful rendition of: The SomaSims. Wonder how J would look if he were skinny? Want to know what’s REALLY under Mickey’s omnipresent trucker cap? Dying to see how Geoff plans to knock off Mickey and J so he can be the sole heir to the empire? Visit Candy’s The SomaSims site. Leave her a comment, and the lap dance is negotiable.

THIS is why we do what we do.

And we would cuddle every one of you.

In this hour, we talk about a subject unheard of here on SomaCow – Meat! Specifically, the eating of copious quantities of beefs, at a very mafia-swank establishment tucked away off Howard and Armenia in Tampa, Fl. I highly recommend it for anyone looking for a very upscale steakhouse experience. Strangely, even with the 75 dollar plates, the ever present guy wearing flipflops and a hat was still present at this joint. Dress code violators notwithstanding, I highly recommend Bern’s for the eating of beefs. It even made me fall in love with my Mother-in-Law.

Hey! We are giving away a free iTouch media player here on SomaCow Media! It’s a nigh on $300.00 piece of technology neatiness, and you can win it simply by answering some questions. Little listening, and you are in the running. What could be simpler? Besides a woman?

We also discussed the service industry in general, and some experiences we have had recently, and we delved into the top ten things restaurants would really rather you did not notice. Maybe it would be better to just eat in tonight, yeah? It’s some good eatvice, which is just the sort of thing you can rely on SomaCow to provide you, our value-added listeners.

Don’t forget to come down and join us this Sunday, March 2nd, as we invade Texas de Brazil to hang out and consume a ridiculous amount of well seared animal. The menu from this place blows my mind, and I am really hoping it lives up to the hype. International Drive, Sunday night – see you there!

We comped the following great songs on your check for the evening:

• Straight Outta Junior High – The University of Shit Face
• The Dollyrots – Out of LA

I am dedicating this blog to the fact that George W. Bush is a flipping retard, a boob, an idiot, an imbecile, a half-wit, a moron, a blockhead, a featherbrain, a dolt, a numbskull, a nincompoop, a pinhead, a goon AND a boob, a dunce, a donkey, a knothead, a jackass, and a base-faced eater of broken meats. Let me know if I missed any adjectives.

In this hour, we played the following great bands:

• BAYSIDE-CHOICE HOPS AND BOTTLED SELF ESTEEM
• NOFX-LEAVING JESUSLAND

Don’t forget to check out American Gods, by Neil Gaiman!

Click here to get it!