Posts Tagged “bill”Originally inoculated at SomaCow.com
In this hour, the crew went over: Fair Crafts Sucking SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them. Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks. So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now. And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs. I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs. Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype! We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity. Speaking of wtf-acity…
I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church? Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out! J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying. We’re never taking down the following great bands:
SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Say… Anything. Listen to three chicks talk about life, love and sex… For free! We fired up some new intros, and the Hopper rejected them. After a quack recovery, Mickey informed us that this week has just been an all around bad time for him on the technological front. It seems he destroyed his laptop, mouse, desk, and much of the east bedroom at his house. Dude really is Powder… So nice and sweet, and then he gets into a rage and metal starts flying. We discuss my inherent need to be on the internet, possibly to now include the installation of a swivel arm mounted computer in my bathroom. It just kills me to know that I could be playing scrabulous or posting some snarky reply to a podcasting forum, if only I didn’t take such lengthy trips to the can. It’s a family tradition, it would seem, because I remember many a night I would sit in the living room and stare at the hallway to the bathroom, wondering when dad would emerge again from his epic shits. Dude had a TV, the hotline to the radio station, a telephone, a CB hookup, 2,000 playboys, and several transistor radios, all around an avocado throne. We bore down on a topic near and dear to my wallet, namely, the Long Distance Relationship. Mickey regales us with a tale from his youthful days, when he was a child and she was a child in a kingdom named Big P. Sad, truly. I told of my ill-fated relationship with a Polack in Mamaroneck (Sorry again about all that!), and J informed us that he was born married to his wife. What’s the biggest bill you ever ran up talking to the opposite sex? 900 numbers included, you dirty, dirty people. Hey, while we have a moment…. Did you know that SCM is giving away a free iTouch? S’true. Click the test at SomaCow.com and get into the running now! So, we at SomaCow frequently make it our goal to explore the mysterious of mankind, and better understand what it means to be a man. Today’s topic of interest – Goatees and Van Dykes. WTF is the deal with this ubiquitous facial fur? Bald guys, hairy guys, emo boys, punk rockers…. I cannot throw a rock without hitting six dudes that have a big satan beard all over their chin. Is this the pinnacle of our beardery? I hope not. I look to my good friend and trendsetter Elross for all my bearding advice. Is it okay for a guy to hug a guy? How do you hug?
We gay right the hell out of this episode with a brief history of the love that dares to squeeze the charmin. We beared up on the following great artists in this episode:
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