SomaCow

Central Florida, as I’m sure you know, is home to the most popular tourist attraction in the world.

No, not Walt Disney World.

No, not Universal Studios Islands of Motion Sickness and Vomit.

I’m talking about: Flea World

Flea World, or, as the locals call it, “The Mall”, claims to be America’s largest permanent flea market. I have no reason to doubt this claim, as I have visited it off and on for 17 years now and I have seen only about one tenth of it. Granted, the one tenth that I have visited was the only part that was contained in air-conditioned, prefab buildings, but I can’t help that. That’s where all the discount Armenian and Slovak porn is sold.

The atmosphere at Flea World is much like that of a country fair, except not in this country. The chiaroscuro (the interplay or contrast of dissimilar qualities) of aromas exceeds my meager language skills to convey to you. The closest I can come is: one part hot car engine parts, one part funnel cakes, one part 1970s head shop, and forty eight parts unwashed foreigner.

In order to project a family-friendly image, Flea World provides beer-stained baby stroller rental for the day. The beer itself can be also purchased on the grounds. For a southern, redneck/mexican marketplace, the selection of beers is astounding, consisting of BOTH Budweiser AND Bud Light.

One of my favorite types of dealer booth is the incense vendor. Here you can purchase oils, sticks and cones that will make your home, and your hair, for the next three days, smell like such diverse scents as “Climax”, “Bitch” and “Wet Leather”.

The most amazing part, to me, is the degree of variety in the products offered for sale by any one vendor. It is not in the least uncommon for a single booth to sell both chinese throwing stars AND Beanie Babies, or fake designer sunglasses AND fake designer power tools, or lingerie AND auto upholstery protectant. Ok, that last pair actually makes a creepy kind of sense.

It’s not just the products that keep the tourists coming back for more. It’s also the services offered. Where else in the WORLD can you get a gruesome tattoo, a haircut (choose from “mullet” or “buzz”), prepare your income tax return, have a root canal, ride bumper cars, and file divorce/inheritance paperwork, all in the same hour?!

If you ever have a chance to visit Flea World yourself, by all means do. You may even see me there, drinking a Bud Light in the Armenian porn booth. Be sure to stop and say “Hi”.

I’ll be the guy whose hair smells like “Climax”.