SomaCow

Originally MCed at SomaCow.com

In this, our finest hour, we talked about the lyrical gangstas, Tasty Kakes, and Small…. umm…. Packages. No, really!

I am now well aware of the fact that J, Mickey, and I are quite white. Quite.

That being said, we certainly want to pay respect to great black music. Who among us hasn’t felt the joggle and bounce of some great “urban” beats and desperately wished they could “hustle”, whatever that is? The sad reality is that it takes a lot to bridge the gap between whites and blacks with regard to music. Sure, it’s easier for you kids today with your equal regard for one another and your crazy zebra love, but there was a lot of racial confusion and misunderstanding leading up to such synergy.

I figured this would be a good time to provide you, dear loyal reader, with my list of the top five Entry-Level Black Artists, Those That Made White People Timidly Shake Shake Shake That Ass, that aren’t Run DMC.

#1. Mike Jackson – He died. Boohoo. Sob. He also may or may not have touched kids, slept with Elvis’s daughter, and freaked out a generation. But before all that, he wanted to rock with you. See? ROCK. Gently lulling the white butt to the dance floor, entrancing white flute-loving folks with his randomly high voice and slick beats, Michael made a lot of people forget his origins as a jive-ass Jackson. And he spent a lot of money bleaching whatever remained.

#2. Wil Smith, aka Will Smith, aka Willard Christopher, aka The Fresh Prince, aka “That nice one” – Before he beat the hell out of Aliens and Zombies and Immortals, Will was a rapper your mom could get behind, or in front of as it was a well known fact that Will Smith would do your mom. Maybe he added the extra ‘l’ for ‘legit’ when he became legit. Legit.

#3. Digital Underground aka Greg “Shock G” Jacobs, a Florida boy! He brought a Weird Al clothing to dope beats. Some of the best lyrics ever written in the “Humpty Dance” and guaranteed to be heard booming out of various pick-up trucks and Preludes across white America. What I liked is that he would just let the music and beat keep on going and rap freestyle to it.

#4. MC Hammer with his lead in “You Can’t Touch This” instantly enslaved an entired generation of MTV listeners, forcing them to take the plunge into black music, equiped only with some parachute pants and some of the chunkiest technicolor fly girls ever filmed. Why are his pants so baggy? Because they’re filled with hope.

#5. Onyx – In theory, this is also a rap band, but you know them as the guys that provide legitamcy to Biohazard’s “Slam”. A little know fact is that there are no actual lyrics to “Slam” or if there are, you’re not aware of them, being white, but you feel authentic as you bounce your head just in time for the chorus again to repeat “slam slam duh duh duh, duh duh duh, nana noise be boys, slam”

Did I miss anyone?

Tags: artists, biohazard, black, comedy, digital underground, elvis, humpty dance, internet, mc hammer, michael jackson, onyx, orlando, Podcast, radio, rap, run dmc, shock g, slam, somacow, talk, tasty kakes, the fresh prince, weird al, wil smith, will smith, willard christopher

Somacow Media is proud ter present SomaCow, broot ter yer on dis gran’, bonny day by Finnegan Seamus, McMeck o’Malleys Sheep Shaggerin’ ‘all an’ Bail Bonds Service. Fer al’ yisser four legged legal endeavors, call Finnegan! we spent a gran’ porshun av dis ‘our discussin’ al’ things Oirish, includin’ de nade ter draink, me desire ter join de military, chinese grub, an’ tattoos.

Jaysus! No wonder that country never built roads ’til the English came and gave ‘em what for.

History is replete with fine examples of Irishmen that have really made the world a better place, and SomaCow salutes them today:

(The Sweetest Pieces of Irish Lass)

Excellent Irishmen, all of them.We’ll be out toasting your health this Monday at Wall Street, enjoying some drinks and watching Enter the Haggis beat down the stage. We never really got into it during the show, but… Who invented that gay “pinch if you aren’t wearing green” schtick? Was that just a Woolworth’s invention to sell off massive reserves of shitty green clothing, or is there some real reason we do it? I never seem to get pinched by hot women, just weird dudes that look all happy about doing it. I have no idea why people generate so much pleasure from touching me. Psychos.

Don’t forget to check out J’s Newsbomb at the :40!

We also chatted about McCain, who apparently forgot to buy something at the Green Zone market last time he was in Iraq and has returned once more this week to bust down on some Baghdad Bargains. Best of luck to you, sir. Please try not to create an international incident during your visit.

And Obama, who had to work hard to distance himself from yet another foaming at the mouth lunatic, this time in the form of his Reverend. I am not sure I disagree with Goodman Wright’s statements, because, behind all the “fohty acres an’ a mool” rhetoric, there is some real truth is what he is saying. Consider these quotes:

“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.”

Well…. We did, regardless of how I feel Israel has a right to exist, we are pissing on the Palestinians when we support Israel. You cannot take a side without opposing another.

What we have allowed to happen, both with arms trade and resource rape, in Africa and other places, is simply unconscionable. The fact is, militant and psychotic Islamic fundies would not be able to win the hearts of these people if we would start showing them the good that America can do.

Another Wrightism:

“Barack knows what it means to be a black man to be living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people…” “Hillary can never know that. Hillary ain’t never been called a n*****.” (censoring mine)

That is a fact. White rich people DO run this country. Well, rich white people and Saudi Royalty. AND! Hillary has never been called the n-word. She has, quite reasonably, lived a life of hate from the right, but nothing along the lines of what many blacks experience, even today.

These are opinions, given by a black man speaking to a congregation. They do not indicate Obama’s mind, no less than the fact that George Bush attended a school run by a religion known for having sex with pigs indicates that George Bush enjoys sticking his junk in a squealing oinker. ALL religion is dumb. As long as you people in this country insist on having a President that goes to church, you will continue to experience stupid preachers that say outlandish shit, and retarded terms like “Chief Spiritual Advisor”. What is this, Tenochtitlan circa 4oo BC? Ooonga the motherfuck Boonga, people.

One opinion that is fact is that we played fabulous music this week:

• Flogging Molly – Requiem for a Dying Dream
• Dirt Poor Robins – Eleanor Rigby
• Presidents of the United States of America – Mixed Up S.O.B.

Tags: advisor, african, alternative, america, baghdad, black, boonga, chief, chinese food, comedy, day, dirt, enter, flogging, goodman, green, haggis, hillary, independant, independent, internet, iraq, ireland, irish, israel, mccain, military, molly, obama, ooonga, orlando, palestine, patricks, patties, pattys, Podcast, poor, presidents, radio, reverend, robins, saint, south, spiritual, st, states, tatoos, tenochtitlan, united, wright, zone

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Olde Cup and Saucer. It’s the best damn gypsy business in town, and Jen and I absolutely love it.

In this episode, we discussed my newfound love for tea, in all its forms, from the new Pure Leaf stuff being pimped by Lipton to this special magic brew oolong bomb secret spicy tea I am drinking. I only ask 2 things from my tea – be cold, and not taste like rotting fruit. There is NOTHING worse than tea that has sat in a cistern at a fast food restaurant for too long, and now every sip makes you wonder if it was brewed from the grout cleanings at the local YMCA shower. Except maybe Nestea. Holy crap, there must be acid in that stuff, like, scour your pooldeck acid, cause it will give you the burning coughy all day long.

We tried out a new segment, where I quiz my fellow hosts in an effort to determine who is paying attention. I think it was fun, Mickey and J looked silly, and the listeners enoyed playing along, so I think I will make it a Staple each week. Play along in the chatroom, and prove to everyone else that you are the smart!
We talked about a terrible story from Hawaii, where bureaucracy has caused one family the ultimate in suffering. For shame, faceless governmental agency sprouting needlessly from our senseless fear… For SHAME.

We also talk about my MAN! He may not be as lefty as Kucinich, or as outsidery as Ron Paul, but I feel like it is time. It’s time, for

I cannot wait! A vote for Obama is a vote against old people!

I choked down so much meat this week, that my olfactory isn’t making enough ol’ offal for me to get through Henry Rollins, so I cheated and pre-reviewed Mr. Black’s book. I am ashamed, you are nonplussed, Amazon is waiting for your credit card number.

We all agree that the writer’s strike, while lengthy, was unnecessary. After watching recent episodes of all the major evening shows, it is apparent that the writers were not what made the shows so good.

Mickey rarely suggests links, so you should take notice of these:

Funny or Die

You Suck At Photoshop

Andy Mila… Millakno…. Milinoc…. That Fat Greek Kid is NOT The Man Show Boy. I am serious, look it up.

Mickey also regaled us with a film that we must go see, if only to look for traces of Chrispy.

Please feel free to send us your independent music, movie scripts, finger paintings, pictures of bewbs, and other assorted creative stuffs, and we will happily display it in a place of prominence, here, on the internet’s refrigerator door of justice. moo@somacow.com!

Music:

• The Saints – Je Fuckin’ T’aime

• Bad Astronaut – Auto Care

Hey, about that Free iPod! Make sure you check the top o’ the page for the linkity link!

Tags: alternative, andy, astronaut, atkins, bad, barack, black, boobs, chat, comedy, constipation, cup, die, diet, free, funny, futi, hawaii, henry, independant, independent, internet, ipod, kucinich, leaf, lewis, man, michael, milonakis, movie, music, obama, olde, orlando, paul, photoshop, pittsburgh, Podcast, pure, quiz, radio, rollins, ron, saints, samoa, saucer, scripts, show, shower, suck, tea, ustream, ymca