SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow brought to you by Redboy Podcast.

Hi everyone! It’s me, Jen. I’m filling in for Geoff while he nurses the baby, er, I mean, sleeps…

Do you miss me? You know, you can always come chat with me while I listen to SomaCow on Ustream, and also of course for Say… Anything. I know I miss my notetaking! I am going to do my best to let you know about this hour using Ross’s cryptic notes.

From the first three lines I can surmise that John Edwards had sex, Bernie Mac died, and the boys have a death wish on another comedian??

Then it says Budweiser is greater than divided by 3. Now I love math, but this formula has had me scratching my head so much the dogs are bringing me the Advantage! This led into “beer talk”. I do remember this from the live show…Kostritzer is teh yummy…

The next line says either WW IIII or WW VII but I think those are both wrong? No clue.

But opposite of war is peace, like the Olympics! The opener was supposed to be grand, and the guys want Bob Costas to get ‘STUF’fed? Do they think he’s too skinny?

Mickey peed in the Navy. OK, I really don’t understand how this is noteworthy! Unless he literally peed IN the Navy…but what does that even mean?

And the last note on the page is that Mickey was stranded at Burger King without paper. I guess Mickey likes taking notes, too?

Well, I know that reading these notes and trying to give them back to you, dear Heard, does not do the hour justice because when listening live from 1-2 PM Eastern last Saturday, it flew by and was quite entertaining. So take a listen, and maybe you can help me decipher these notes. We’ll call it a SomaCow mystery.

What wasn’t a mystery was the music this week!

• They Might Be Giants – Istanbul, not Constantinople

Tags: beer, bernie mac, bob costas, bud, Budweiser, burger king, comedy, dead, dies, internet, john edwards, kingdomofloathing, kol, kostritzer, navy, notes, olympics, orlando, pee, piss, Podcast, radio, redboy, richard belzer, say anything, sex, somacow, talk, they might be giants, tmbg, ustream

Central Florida, as I’m sure you know, is home to the most popular tourist attraction in the world.

No, not Walt Disney World.

No, not Universal Studios Islands of Motion Sickness and Vomit.

I’m talking about: Flea World

Flea World, or, as the locals call it, “The Mall”, claims to be America’s largest permanent flea market. I have no reason to doubt this claim, as I have visited it off and on for 17 years now and I have seen only about one tenth of it. Granted, the one tenth that I have visited was the only part that was contained in air-conditioned, prefab buildings, but I can’t help that. That’s where all the discount Armenian and Slovak porn is sold.

The atmosphere at Flea World is much like that of a country fair, except not in this country. The chiaroscuro (the interplay or contrast of dissimilar qualities) of aromas exceeds my meager language skills to convey to you. The closest I can come is: one part hot car engine parts, one part funnel cakes, one part 1970s head shop, and forty eight parts unwashed foreigner.

In order to project a family-friendly image, Flea World provides beer-stained baby stroller rental for the day. The beer itself can be also purchased on the grounds. For a southern, redneck/mexican marketplace, the selection of beers is astounding, consisting of BOTH Budweiser AND Bud Light.

One of my favorite types of dealer booth is the incense vendor. Here you can purchase oils, sticks and cones that will make your home, and your hair, for the next three days, smell like such diverse scents as “Climax”, “Bitch” and “Wet Leather”.

The most amazing part, to me, is the degree of variety in the products offered for sale by any one vendor. It is not in the least uncommon for a single booth to sell both chinese throwing stars AND Beanie Babies, or fake designer sunglasses AND fake designer power tools, or lingerie AND auto upholstery protectant. Ok, that last pair actually makes a creepy kind of sense.

It’s not just the products that keep the tourists coming back for more. It’s also the services offered. Where else in the WORLD can you get a gruesome tattoo, a haircut (choose from “mullet” or “buzz”), prepare your income tax return, have a root canal, ride bumper cars, and file divorce/inheritance paperwork, all in the same hour?!

If you ever have a chance to visit Flea World yourself, by all means do. You may even see me there, drinking a Bud Light in the Armenian porn booth. Be sure to stop and say “Hi”.

I’ll be the guy whose hair smells like “Climax”.

Tags: Beanie Babies, bitch, Bud Light, Budweiser, chiaroscuro, climax, designer sunglasses, disney, flea market, Flea World, florida, funnel cakes, head shop, leather, mullet, porn, tattoo, throwing stars, tourist, Universal Studios