SomaCow

Disney World, Universal Studios Islands of Adventure and MGM Studios just ain’t gonna cut it anymore.

With gas prices soaring to over $22.00 per gallon, Florida is going to have to come up with something new and different this summer if they expect to remain “Tourist Rip-off Capital of the World”.

Fortunately, Florida…I’m there for ya, bro.

I’ve devised a series of theme parks that offer something for every member of the family. Something new. Something fun. Something expensive. Something that you will take pictures of, to put on your MySpace pages.

Li’l Rollers Casino

Kids will be kids, and now, they can also be kids with serious gambling addictions!
Recharge the HandyCam, Dad, your little man just went craps! Children love winning a bet as much as grown-ups do, so they will enjoy hours of playtime fun at our “Will This Fit Up Your Nose?” booths (located near the Nickel Snot Machines), our Texas Poop’em tables, and in the exciting “Will Mommy and Daddy Get a Divorce as a Result of This Vacation?” stations. And, while junior and little Cyndy are enthralled by all the brightly-colored plastic chips they have eaten, Mommy and Daddy can enjoy some Baccarat (which I believe is a delicious Greek dessert) in the “Migraine Lounge”.

Parents’ Paradise
Parents today have driven cross-country with the kids, gone on cruises with the kids, chased the kids around day spas, yelled at the kids across sugar-white tropical beaches and ridden thrill-rides with the kids until the kids throw up or Daddy has to tighten up his truss. Finally, there is a place that knows just what Mom and Dad need. “We know just what Mom and Dad need!” is the slogan of this all-inclusive resort for parents. While the kiddies are being tended by caring nurturers, who are themselves being supervised by law enforcement personnel, who are overseen by actual, sexually frustrated nuns, parents can get exactly what they’ve always wanted! Dad can choose to actually watch an entire ballgame from start to finish, in the luxuriously appointed “Den”; take a lengthy, relaxing poop without anyone knocking on the door asking “Ummm… is… ummm… Dad?… ummm… is… ummm… Dad?… ummm… is the kitchen sink spraying water on the ceiling because of the Pokemon I stuck in the faucet?” at our various “Throne Rooms”, or even enjoy a game of cards with no little-people throwing up on people’s shoes under the card table.

Mom? We haven’t forgotten about you! Imagine the luxury of making a ONE-HOUR-LONG phone call to your best Ya-Ya girlfriend…completely uninterrupted! Or, how about eating ice cream and watching “Sex and the City” without having to wipe anybody’s nose or bottom! Or, for the daring, try one of our special Bath Houses, where you will be allowed to…TAKE A BATH! A LONG ONE! WITH CANDLES IF YOU WANT!

Finally, Mom and Dad can end a day of excitement in one of our soundproof, triple-locked “Happy Time” rooms, with unlimited free condoms, spermicidal foam and IUDs from the fully stocked mini-bar.

Senior Pavilion
“Support-Undergarment Junction”, “The Bran Depot” and bingo, 24-7. ‘Nuff said.

So, join us this summer, won’t you, in sunny, carefree Florida, where our motto is:
“We won’t charge you a penny more, if we can charge you $75.00 more and get away with it.”

 

 170: Here! Have a SAD [58:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc, is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by StumbleUpon.Com – Look. They serve up the hits, yo. They’re like internet web page DJs, laying down phat tracks and serving up deep cuts. Skillet.

In this hour, we discuss J’s Gambling Bonanza, Mickey’s Rapidly Approaching Mid-Life Crisis, and Biscuits and Gravy.

J took a trip to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino near sunny Orlampa, and he regaled us with tales aplenty of the wonder that can be found therein! Slots! For you to put coins in! No, seriously! See, to the casual observer, a slot machine is a simpleton’s game, where one simply hands money to the casino in return for a crappy stool, a watered down Pepsi with rum mist, and pretty lights and sounds! J, however, won DOZENS of dollars at the one armed hand of the bandits!

Mickey has hit the wall, as a man. Not content to have served in the armed forces, overcome the mysteries of nukuler power, have kids, quit smoking and drinking, and all the other crap he did last week, he has now set his sites on obtaining a motorcycle. In Florida. WTF? This state, wildfires and current drought notwithstanding, is the WORST place to have a motorcycle, other than maybe Seattle or Atlantis… I attempted to reason with him, and he seems hellbent for leather, so to speak.

We closed out the hour with a resounding breakfast topic, which holds a place near and dear to my heart, namely my left ventricle. God love the Biscuit. See it for what it is, light and fluffy golden baked deliciousness. Adding gravy is sort of like the gift of sight. Like, if I were given the choice, to help a blind man see again, or give him a bite of delicious biscuits and gravy, I would have to opt for the latter. It’s just that good.

Equally as good, our music this hour:

• Madina Lake – House of Cards
• Sullivan – Florida Queen

Just to show you what a gambling n00b I am: I didn’t even know about the Exploding Mosquito Bonus.

That’s right, this past weekend we gathered all the loose change out of our sofa and hit the long, thin parking lot that is Interstate 4, bound for the fabulous Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa.

If you’ve never been to a Hard Rock property before, it’s like going to a rock concert and somebody decides “Hey! We should build a hotel here and never stop partying!”. And then somebody else yells “Yeah! And we could get the Seminole Indian tribe to run it for us!”. And then everybody kind of mopes around because cheap cigarette prices are not enough incentive to hang out with Indians for any length of time.

But there is music everywhere! Even song lyrics posted around the hotel. Like, when you pull up out front, huge block letters proclaim “Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends… – Emerson, Lake & Palmer“. And over the the front lobby exit doors it says “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. – The Eagles“. And on the movie-ordering screen on the TV in the room it says “We’re sorry, but you have reached the daily limit for ordering porn. – The Management“.

One thing that was really cool, to me, was the display they had of actual costumes worn onstage by KISS. You cannot consider yourself a real “player” until you have come face to face with the stains on Gene Simmons’ codpiece.

We gambled until five o’clock in the morning, primarily playing the Tabasco videoslot machines. Imagine the electric excitement of putting money into a flashing, beeping, throbbing slot machine, pressing the “Bet Max” button, waiting five seconds, and then doing it all over again! I can finally understand how people get addicted to gambling.

Speaking of which, the casino very responsibly offers a “Self-exclusion program”. This allows people with gambling addiction issues to say “I am unable to control myself, please do not allow me to gamble at your facility”. Then, if you try to gamble there anyway, armed security guards gently and respectfully escort you away from the gaming tables and shove your face in Gene Simmons’ crotch. The program has a 100% success rate.

The hotel also houses “Floyd’s Nightclub”, one of the most popular hot-spots in all of southeast Tampa. You can tell how good a nightclub is by the number of women’s nipples you get to see during your visit. I stopped counting at twenty-three, although I assume there must have been a twenty-fourth nipple that I was too drunk to notice, otherwise somebody there was a freak of nature. Most of the girls at the club must have been professional gambling instructors, because they would leave with a guy, then come back about thirty minutes later with a whole bunch of the guys’ money, and the guys seemed very happy. I think it’s very decent of these ladies to try to help out such obvious beginners.

The dining was excellent, if a little pricey. Dinner for two at the seafood buffet was seventy bucks, plus gratuity, but that was still less than the cost of the King Size Snickers I got from the mini-bar fridge in our room.

Would I recommend the fabulous Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa to you, dizzy reader?

Oh HELL yeah.

I think the “gambling lessons” alone would be worth it.