SomaCow

SomaCow Media Network is proud to present Somacow, brought to you today by Semoran Skateway. If you’re ever in the Orlando area, it’s the only place left, really, for you to throw down and trip the lights on a fat four wheeled skate session.

In this hour, we talked about Mickey’s 35th birthday party, which The Chick That He Is Dating was kind enough to throw. It was… surreal, and J and I came to the terrifying realization that Mickey was born to skate. He just looks right, twirling around, gossamer threads of diet mountain dew sweat arcing from his magnificent suddenly seven foot tall hair. The dude needs to be retro-installed into every ABBA video.

We also discussed Bill Gates leaving office, as tipped by one of our chat room listeners. If you ever want to listen live, its pretty easy – just swing by the ustream and you can watch anonymously, or create a log-in and take part in our discussion. Just one of the many gifts that Bill Gates and his OS of shame have yet to take away from us. Maybe next build, yeah?

We rounded out the hour talking about pie. Specifically, $60.00 if you eat it, you get it for free pie. I have yet to hear from the guys this week, as I know they are cowardly and afraid of my skills in the fields on munch, I cannot say that I am surprised. But I promise you this – the competition will happen, there will be video, and I will not fail. What’s 29 inches, multiplied by 3.14? Lunch, that’s what.

Happy 4th of July to all our listeners. Try not to blow off any of your appendages, and send pictures of your firecracker boobs to Mickey@somacow.com. I will, apparently, be spending much of today getting to know our new toilet seat. I wish we had gone with the $700 dollar model.

And listen to these fine tunes with us:

• Richard Cheese – Welcome to the Jungle
• Richard Cheese – Hey Ya!
• Richard Cheese – Material Girl

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SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Tijuana Flats. Hot damn, people, that is a delicious megajuana burrito, all wet and slathered with queso. I may not be able to type out the remainder of this blog due to cheese on the keys. Nobody said this job was easy.

In this hour, we bid adieu to Mr. Charlton Heston, who makes Jack Palance look like Jimmy Stewart, but colorized. Eat my dust, Dennis Miller! At the tender age of 84, a person who many would consider to be THE embodiment of a guy, a man’s man, a dude, has shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to defeat Dirty Apes in the afterlife. Farewell, Omega Man. We promise not to eat you.

Our discussion of Manly actors bring us to on of my favorite topics: Chins. I am obsessed with the sizes of people’s chins (and right so, as I possess 4 of them). We spent a good bit discussing many of the obvious chins, including The Leno, The Campbell, and This Guy:

I haven’t seen a chin that big since Thunder saw that Lo-Pan was dead! (IN YOUR FACE, DENNIS MILLER!)

We discussed the reason for the modern goatee – I frankly am positive it stems from Chin Envy, as a plethora of Generation X, Y, and Z-ers awoke to find their chins universally weak, and flabby. Beard compensation is fine, but as a guy, you really just need to start working out your jaw. Take a few punches every now and then, and jut that sucker out whenever possible.

Continuing in the vein of all things 80’s and manly, we somehow got on the topic of G.I. Joe, which is set to release soon as a live action film. I sincerely hope it is not another Chipmunks style rework. Some people claim that all of these films, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman… They are all an effort to cash in on our attachment to products from our childhood, prying dollars away from us by tugging on our under-nourished inner child.

That being said, I am considering changing the logo for the show:

I think that the systematic rape of our collective childhood memories might be partly true, but I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that Hollywood has been run by retarded committees and focus groups for the last two decades, and would not know how to shoot an original idea if slapped in the face with one.

In any case, I am still interested in working for Cobra, so, if you know anyone in ARB Co. HR, put in a good word for me!

Our discussion of bad aim also took us to Star Trek, and Star Wars, and thankfully, J extracted us from our Nerd Death Spiral with a Newsbomb at the :20 – Stop by and check it out!

We discussed the Olympic Shenanigans in London this weekend, and the question I have for you is this: Isn’t participation IN the Olympics, the free spreading of ideas, the intermingling of crowds, and the general positive vibe of the game what spreads goodwill around the world? Can we agree that the only way to “overcome” the situation between China and Tibet is for the People of China to decide to do what is right? I mean, there are two BILLION chinamen… Are YOU going to tell them to stop making all that racket? Screw the Ice Caps, imagine what would happen if every Chinese person in the world spat in the ocean…
Probably better that you do not.

In movie news, we were sorry to see Clooney’s latest flick doing ho-hum for its opening weekend. George is just an all around class act, and we wish nothing but success for the guy. It’s been said that he is the last real Hollywood Leading Male, and I completely agree. Mickey and J say the flop was purely born out of a timing issue, and I think I agree.

We rounded out the hour discussing 21, which was the #1 movie this week, which led us to discussing gambling. What is your favorite game, and do you have a system that actually worked for you? I read on roulette for an entire year before I realized that my brilliant plan existed, and would fail, even on a single zero European Style table.

By the way, peoples – Time is Almost Up. It’s Your Last Chance for Pie. By Pie, I mean your last chance to win the SomaCow Media, Inc. iTouch media player, which we are giving away, FOR FREESIES. Just hit the test, answer the questions correctly, and your name will be in that hat for next week’s cutoff date. I want to give it to you. I cannot wait to give it to you. But I cannot give it to you if you do not enter to WIN the damn thing! Good luck, and Cannonballs.

By the way… J has 720 on MAME… Just saying.

And for our great music this week:

• TheStart – Wartime
• Dirt Poor Robins – Teach Me How
• Big Engine – Juggernaut (Built for Speed)

Tags: burrito, Campbell, charlton heston, cheese, China, chins, chipmunks, dennis miller, dirty apes, g i joe, generation x, goatee, independant, independent, inner child, internet, jack palance, jimmy stewart, Manly, movie, music, mutant ninja turtles, omega man, orlando, Podcast, queso, radio, systematic rape, talk, teenage mutant ninja turtles, this mortal coil, tijuana flats

The baby shower for the SomaCalf is coming up soon, and during a show break I asked Geoff if he wanted me to pick a gift from their registry, or whether he would prefer something more personal.

He said that what would please him most of all is if I would write and illustrate a children’s book that he could read to the baby.

This just goes to show that nothing good can ever come from talking to other humans.

Ha! No! I was actually extremely moved by his request. Children really are our future, and I would love to have a small part in stimulating their tiny minds. So, I immediately started coming up with ideas for the children’s book. Of course, I have never written a children’s book before, and I can’t even draw a picture of a circle that you would recognize as being a circle, but I am determined to give it my best shot.

Let me know which idea YOU think would be best.

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Mr. Picklepumper’s Naughty Day
Children are naturally curious about the human body. Mr. Picklepumper’s adventures in San Francisco teach kids that its ok to look, but not touch.

Georgie Throws a Whiz
During his potty training, Georgie learns that there are a very limited number of places where it’s socially acceptable to pee.

Who Cut The Cheese?
A mystery story that encourages analytical thought and deductive skills.

But Daddy Said I Could Pet the Bees
Sometimes new parents can be inconsistent. Through simple examples, this book helps children learn to sort out conflicting information from their parents by teaching them that Mommy is always right.

Real Estate Law in a Foreclosure Market
With interest rates climbing and record numbers of Americans losing their homes, your child can be prepared to succeed regardless of industry-wide financial trends.

101 Standard Household Items That Will Fit Into Your Mouth
Rainy day activities that will keep EVERYONE on their toes!

Breastfeeding: Leave Some For Daddy
A child should feel very important in its parents’ lives. But sometimes, Mommy and Daddy need some alone time.

Let’s Build a Plastic Bag Fort!
Don’t throw away that junk in the garage! Hours of creative, fun projects to work on TOGETHER!

Goldilocks and the Three Carnivorous Ursine Antagonists
Some parents favor imagination and creativity. Others prefer a more practical, no-nonsense approach. Burst your child’s bubble early with this gritty, intense, psychological thriller.

Tags: babies, baby, bees, book, breast feeding, cheese, child, children, children's book, draw, foreclosure, parent, pee, potty training, San Francisco