www.charityballz.com
Bacon = Dead
Beans
No Feets?
Amish Bacon
Amish Cheese
Phone Off
Chevy Chase Movies
Music Chat
Mindfuck Movies

Bread Substitutes
Cheese
BOWL FTW (as per Ross)
Prescription Crab
SomaCow Story Boards
Hoors
Sex Toys
Heart Donor
DYWTD Blog

Trying to be Human
Fat and Naked at 2 AM
Eatin’ Out
Pants
Life Coaching with Cassandra
Worms in Your Virus
Happy Birthday Amanda!!!
Family Feud
Kei$ha Is White???
Lily Allen Is White!
Cheese Chat

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Kiss the Cheese, Fire
SomaCow Chat Room Can’t Grill
Geoff Wants to Baptize You
Already Invented
TOWED!
The Lottery
Guess the Google
http://grant.robinson.name/projects/guess-the-google/

In this hour, we talked about Mickey’s 35th birthday party, which The Chick That He Is Dating was kind enough to throw. It was… surreal, and J and I came to the terrifying realization that Mickey was born to skate. He just looks right, twirling around, gossamer threads of diet mountain dew sweat arcing from his magnificent suddenly seven foot tall hair. The dude needs to be retro-installed into every ABBA video.

We also discussed Bill Gates leaving office, as tipped by one of our chat room listeners. If you ever want to listen live, its pretty easy – just swing by the ustream and you can watch anonymously, or create a log-in and take part in our discussion. Just one of the many gifts that Bill Gates and his OS of shame have yet to take away from us. Maybe next build, yeah?

We rounded out the hour talking about pie. Specifically, $60.00 if you eat it, you get it for free pie. I have yet to hear from the guys this week, as I know they are cowardly and afraid of my skills in the fields on munch, I cannot say that I am surprised. But I promise you this – the competition will happen, there will be video, and I will not fail. What’s 29 inches, multiplied by 3.14? Lunch, that’s what.

Happy 4th of July to all our listeners. Try not to blow off any of your appendages, and send pictures of your firecracker boobs to Mickey@somacow.com. I will, apparently, be spending much of today getting to know our new toilet seat. I wish we had gone with the $700 dollar model.

And listen to these fine tunes with us:

• Richard Cheese – Welcome to the Jungle
• Richard Cheese – Hey Ya!
• Richard Cheese – Material Girl

In this hour, we bid adieu to Mr. Charlton Heston, who makes Jack Palance look like Jimmy Stewart, but colorized. Eat my dust, Dennis Miller! At the tender age of 84, a person who many would consider to be THE embodiment of a guy, a man’s man, a dude, has shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to defeat Dirty Apes in the afterlife. Farewell, Omega Man. We promise not to eat you.

Our discussion of Manly actors bring us to on of my favorite topics: Chins. I am obsessed with the sizes of people’s chins (and right so, as I possess 4 of them). We spent a good bit discussing many of the obvious chins, including The Leno, The Campbell, and This Guy:

I haven’t seen a chin that big since Thunder saw that Lo-Pan was dead! (IN YOUR FACE, DENNIS MILLER!)

We discussed the reason for the modern goatee – I frankly am positive it stems from Chin Envy, as a plethora of Generation X, Y, and Z-ers awoke to find their chins universally weak, and flabby. Beard compensation is fine, but as a guy, you really just need to start working out your jaw. Take a few punches every now and then, and jut that sucker out whenever possible.

Continuing in the vein of all things 80’s and manly, we somehow got on the topic of G.I. Joe, which is set to release soon as a live action film. I sincerely hope it is not another Chipmunks style rework. Some people claim that all of these films, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman… They are all an effort to cash in on our attachment to products from our childhood, prying dollars away from us by tugging on our under-nourished inner child.

That being said, I am considering changing the logo for the show:

I think that the systematic rape of our collective childhood memories might be partly true, but I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that Hollywood has been run by retarded committees and focus groups for the last two decades, and would not know how to shoot an original idea if slapped in the face with one.

In any case, I am still interested in working for Cobra, so, if you know anyone in ARB Co. HR, put in a good word for me!

Our discussion of bad aim also took us to Star Trek, and Star Wars, and thankfully, J extracted us from our Nerd Death Spiral with a Newsbomb at the :20 – Stop by and check it out!

We discussed the Olympic Shenanigans in London this weekend, and the question I have for you is this: Isn’t participation IN the Olympics, the free spreading of ideas, the intermingling of crowds, and the general positive vibe of the game what spreads goodwill around the world? Can we agree that the only way to “overcome” the situation between China and Tibet is for the People of China to decide to do what is right? I mean, there are two BILLION chinamen… Are YOU going to tell them to stop making all that racket? Screw the Ice Caps, imagine what would happen if every Chinese person in the world spat in the ocean…
Probably better that you do not.

In movie news, we were sorry to see Clooney’s latest flick doing ho-hum for its opening weekend. George is just an all around class act, and we wish nothing but success for the guy. It’s been said that he is the last real Hollywood Leading Male, and I completely agree. Mickey and J say the flop was purely born out of a timing issue, and I think I agree.

We rounded out the hour discussing 21, which was the #1 movie this week, which led us to discussing gambling. What is your favorite game, and do you have a system that actually worked for you? I read on roulette for an entire year before I realized that my brilliant plan existed, and would fail, even on a single zero European Style table.

By the way, peoples – Time is Almost Up. It’s Your Last Chance for Pie. By Pie, I mean your last chance to win the SomaCow Media, Inc. iTouch media player, which we are giving away, FOR FREESIES. Just hit the test, answer the questions correctly, and your name will be in that hat for next week’s cutoff date. I want to give it to you. I cannot wait to give it to you. But I cannot give it to you if you do not enter to WIN the damn thing! Good luck, and Cannonballs.

By the way… J has 720 on MAME… Just saying.

And for our great music this week:

• TheStart – Wartime
• Dirt Poor Robins – Teach Me How
• Big Engine – Juggernaut (Built for Speed)

He said that what would please him most of all is if I would write and illustrate a children’s book that he could read to the baby.

This just goes to show that nothing good can ever come from talking to other humans.

Ha! No! I was actually extremely moved by his request. Children really are our future, and I would love to have a small part in stimulating their tiny minds. So, I immediately started coming up with ideas for the children’s book. Of course, I have never written a children’s book before, and I can’t even draw a picture of a circle that you would recognize as being a circle, but I am determined to give it my best shot.

Let me know which idea YOU think would be best.

Georgie Throws a Whiz
During his potty training, Georgie learns that there are a very limited number of places where it’s socially acceptable to pee.

Who Cut The Cheese?
A mystery story that encourages analytical thought and deductive skills.

But Daddy Said I Could Pet the Bees
Sometimes new parents can be inconsistent. Through simple examples, this book helps children learn to sort out conflicting information from their parents by teaching them that Mommy is always right.

Real Estate Law in a Foreclosure Market
With interest rates climbing and record numbers of Americans losing their homes, your child can be prepared to succeed regardless of industry-wide financial trends.

101 Standard Household Items That Will Fit Into Your Mouth
Rainy day activities that will keep EVERYONE on their toes!

Breastfeeding: Leave Some For Daddy
A child should feel very important in its parents’ lives. But sometimes, Mommy and Daddy need some alone time.

Let’s Build a Plastic Bag Fort!
Don’t throw away that junk in the garage! Hours of creative, fun projects to work on TOGETHER!

Goldilocks and the Three Carnivorous Ursine Antagonists
Some parents favor imagination and creativity. Others prefer a more practical, no-nonsense approach. Burst your child’s bubble early with this gritty, intense, psychological thriller.

Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

So, this is the final episode of audio weirdness. You may have noticed the last three episodes suffered a certain tinny warblyness, and I am happy to report that that issue is resolved, and we here at SomaCow Media, Inc. are ready to screw up in all new ways!

In this hour, we discussed my toe, which is looking better now, thank you for asking. I still have no nail, and I am terrified of its tendency to turn ghostly white, but the pain is gone and the swelling is reduced. It’s a lot like lovemaking that way. If you ever need a podiatrist, I highly recommend Dr. Pearl. His bedside manner is second only to his hot nurse assistance. Just make sure you exfoliate your heels before you go, as no one wants to hit on a cute girl when she is holding a scabrous hoof.

For us, it begged the question, why would ANYBODY be a podiatrist, or a proctologist, or an otolaryngologist? I mean, you sat through god knows how many science and math courses, you staved off sleep through internships galore, and now, you stand, your shingle in hand, ready to get hippocritical on some mo’ fo’s, and you choose leaky swollen nasty bits? Weird. Sound off if you know why, Heard.

The Pope has been quite active lately, making assorted commentary on the Iraq war, the middle east in general, and how Muslims should act. I can only attribute it to the fact that his man-boylust is peaking, and I hope somebody can get him some kidtouchbane or wormwood or whatever normally makes him go back to his dark lair.

I would like to take a moment to address our younger listeners, specifically, our Catholic younger listeners. We at SomaCow know that the Pope is deadly serious in his desire to ram some youth butt, and so we offer these handy tips to stave off potential papal/priestly buggery:

1. Smoke heavily. Nothing turns off a horny holy man faster than proffering the wafer of Christ only to see a furry green and yellow tongue staring back at him. At the very least, eat lots of sour apple candy, and try to get braces. Make your mouth into a threatening sewer of steel and sticky rotten putrid bits of nasty, and Father O’Faggy may just read scripture instead of undressing you with his rheumy eyes.

2. Bean up, boy! Every Saturday night, carb load like a dervish, and ask for seconds. The more gas you expel, the more you will stink, especially “in your rectory”, as it were, so load up on Kidney Beans, Lentils, Mushrooms, Pinto Beans, Cheese, Refried Beans, Pad Thai (extra hot!), Broccoli and whatever else is good for your heart. The more you eat ‘em, the less you have to worry about some creepy old guy slipping his hand up your frock.

3. Worship Satan! Yes, its a well known fact that the Devil wants to eat your soul, and destroy all that is good in the world, but he is also a hermaphrodite, and thus suffers from what your Dad calls “ED“. Just make sure you get back on the good foot after you grow facial hair (Think Goatee-Gotta Go!) and you will be right as rain. Priests don’t want to fuck adults, if they did, they would have gotten a real job, and a car, and maybe a really sweet jacket. Only perverts spend that much time on their knees.

Hopefully those will help you out in your efforts to “get thee from behind me”, kids. Now quit listening to our show and go outside. Your parents would kill us if they knew you were here. Well, probably not. I mean, they take you to church, so they obviously hate you.

Yeah…

Anyway, we played some great music in this episode, featuring these angelic bands:

• Frenzel Rhomb – I Went Out With a Hippy & Now I Love Everyone Except For Her

And I reviewed Apollo 13, which I loved, as will you. It got us to talking about space exploration in general, and that always puts me in a better mood. We have so little time left, people. Time to get serious about Science and start exploring and colonizing. We are one lonely miserable anthill floating all alone in the “highly unfashionable western spiral arm” of Nowheresville. Momma Earth is a good egg, but we will need to hatch one day soon, and the more we understand about off-terrestrial living, the more equipped we will be to handle the sudden poach.

See you on Sunday in the Ustream! Happy Easter!

In this episode, we discuss the abuse of the words “Gay” and “Retarded” by common society to indicate that something sucks, or isn’t intelligent. We need to find new words, because, honestly, gay people do NOT suck, and retarded people are actually very smart.

Okay, nevermind then.

We also discussed that bastard teacher in Chicago that taped down a retard, which was gay, and sorta retarded.

It’s apparently time again for the Grammys, which seems kinda gay, and almost retarded, because there is no reason for an industry that is as broken as the music industry is to be handing itself out accolades. Best Song Targeted for a Car Commercial, anyone? Best Abuse of an Underaged Starlet and Subsequent Destruction of her Fragile Pubescent Personality? The Grammys are dead, the music industry is in a coma, and independent artists are all that matter.

Here are some we played in this hour!

• Richard Cheese – Hot For Teacher
• Big D and The Kids Table – Steady Riot

Mickey tried to sandbag J’s NewsBomb, the hottest segment on our show according to the listeners. Tell him what a mean thing that was to do, and support J in his new endeavor. Poor J. He is not gay or retarded. He is kinda fluffy, though.

It’s Christmas Time! We throw ourselves into the season with vim and vigor, with a veritable vonanza of gift giving. J gave me a cow! Jen gave J some shoddy book! Mickey bought J a laptop! I gave Mickey thirty seven John Deere hats! It was magical, and my truthful and earnest wish for you and yours is that you can enjoy time with each other, drinking deep from the cup of friendship and family and such.

We talked about the holidays, and gifts, and naked avarice, and really remembered the reason for the season, which is, of course, Hannah Montana.

But, we should remember those less fortunate at this time of year, like the suffering people of Jacksonville. Bereft of culture and employment opportunities, these poor and brainless folk must shuffle through each day, constantly seeking to avoid the stench of their paper mills and women. It is easy to repose by the fire, sipping some sort of nog, enjoying the luxury of modern life, and forget about The Jacksonvillains and their plight. How noble I must be, to have gifted them with my Mickey this year.

J and I bond over the cow, too… It touched me, and moved me, and other stuff that would probably sound less manly if I were not talking about a cute stuffed animal. Photokinz! Go buy one for your effeminate talk show host today!

Merry Christmas to all our listeners, and thank you once more for all that you have given us this year. And Ann, my junk is cold!

Former Fat Boys – Keep the Change, You’ll Put Your Eye Out
Richard Cheese – Holiday in Cambodia
Richard Cheese – Silent Night

and a special appearance by Brandon Walker with his hit song, “Chinese Food On Christmas”

Buy the same gifts that the guys from SomaCow did:

Before I retired from the Professional Drinker’s League, I used alcohol as a way to hide the fact that I was a complete social square peg in a round hole world. Heavy drinking led to me getting mugged. But that is a story for another time.

Geoff uses his drinking to be the entertainment pillar of his office parties. And there is no office party like a Christmas office party. Even worse than getting drunk at the office party, Geoff got Wine Drunk.

Which reminds… Red Wine… Don’t Do It! (I can’t type out the details, so listen to the show to find out why.)

So… ok… wow. This is uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to eloquently bring this to an end. This is typical. I do the same thing with phone conversations. I just don’t know how to cut the chord. I feel that if I try to hang up, I will somehow hurt the other person’s feeling. But I don’t want to hang on the line and make them feel awkward.

I think it is a deep seated psychological issue that I have. When I was young, I used to love the telephone, but that was because it was a rare thing for me to actually get a phone call. Although it could be a problem that I usually get phone calls when I am in the middle of doing things and I can’t mutli-task very well. I can multi-task, just not when the phone is involved. I wasn’t trained properly. Like I said, I didn’t get that many calls when I was younger. And… I was always too shy to pick up the phone and call someone.

God, I think back and imagine how much… uh… interaction I could have gotten in high school if I wasn’t so shy, if I would have called the girls in my class, or if I was a little more forward at times.

I’m not trying to look back on life with regret. I have a good “The Chick That I Am Dating“, great actually. We have a lot of … uh… interaction. I’m just describing how I got to where I am with how I handle a phone call. I suck at phone conversations. I’m down right awful. I can’t ever seem to close out the conversation and disconnect.

It’s stupid. I should just be able to call someone and let them know what I have to say. I just feel like, I’m going to hang up and think of something important I needed to tell the person. And that leads to me feeling really dumb for having to call them right back. I hate when I have to call someone right back when I just had them on the phone. The people I often call are mature enough to handle a second call if it is …

You know what, I have to go. Ok, I love you, Goodbye.

Hillbilly Hellcats – Drinkin’ Buddies
Mad Caddies – Drinking For 11
4th Wall Broken – Let Me Ride
London After Midnight – The Kids Are All Wrong

When SomaCow Media Network takes over the world, things are going to change. Rules will be put in place to change a lot of things. Spit will no longer be tolerated in porn movies. Traffic will be smoother. The kicker will take his proper place among the revered sports heroes of the world. Colorado will be disarmed. Kids will be banned from public restrooms (or just being in public). The staff at the Great American Cookie Company will be more attentive to our needs, DAMN YOU EMO BOY!

SomaCow, is also brought to you this week by dancarlin.com. Dan does great work, both in Common Sense and Hardcore History, and I highly recommend him if you like intelligent talk. SPEAKING of… um… intelligent talk, we also do a l’il show round here, you might’ve heard of that…

We rejoin SomaCow, emboldened by the presence of Lauren and Xander, and tackle the tough issues, like Sanjayan Surrogate Mommies for Rich Infertile Brits. Who knew we would see childbirth outsourcing? I guess it was just a matter of time, with pregnancy and birth being seen as an inconvenience and stuff these days.

We talk about selling eggs (how much should an egg cost?) and the shameful fact that sperm costs LESS? All eggs do is LAY there…

Also had some lively discussion on sportzzz in Florida, namely the Dolphins and their continued commitment to sucking. 13 losses and growing is no small feat. Once, when I played softball and our team was down 32 to nothing, I bravely took myself out of the game in the first inning by leaping 12 feet from the first base with all my might, landing 8 feet closer to the bag and breaking my pinky under my bulk. It was epic. Out.

You know who does Sports up Right? Ryan, of http://www.sportsbuzzradio.com, THAT’S WHO.

Jesus, I keep sending you guys away from here to listen to other shows… Why could that be? It certainly couldn’t be because I choke during the news bomb in this episode, falling flat on my face… Thank God Mickey and J were there to kick sand in my face. Preesh, dudes.

Anyway… I know you will listen, and laugh, and hate me all the more. And I thank you for it. Bunch of funny stuff in this episode, and I wanna go listen, so… Bye.

The following Revolutionary tunes rose up
Butthole Surfers – Pepper
MXPX – You’re On Fire
Richard Cheese – Jingle Bells (In the style of the singing dogs)
The Orion Experience – Obsessed With You

By the way… who is Eddie Bauer?

Why did Dan and Butter remove the link?

Where the hell is Josh?

Will Oprah help get Obama elected?

The answers to these and more questions when the Revolution continues in episode 103!

Oh! And the “Big Packages” well it’s not what you are probably thinking but see why Geoff takes issue with them. What is the worst gift you ever got?

J tries to convince Geoff that it’s fun staying up until 3 in the morning putting together some plastic contraption for your kid. He did a good job, it does sound like it can be fun if you make it happen the right way.

Continuing in a slightly scroogy way, the boys talk about the different lights that people put out and how people just cheat nowadays. Share a pic of your house, or one that you really love or hate!

The Wii seems to be escaping Mickey, literally. That thing is hard to find! What would be the best game you’d invent for the Wii? If you buy one for SomaCow to use at their discretion they will have you in the studio! That or a furreal friend (at Mickey’s request) or maybe a Lego Mindstorm. Geoff wants to stay pure and just wants the plain old Legos. Let the imagination work!

Along with the great light and gift giving tips came some great music!

• Richard Cheese – Christmas in Las Vegas
• Dirt Poor Robins – The Hollywood Song
• Shattermask – Dead Lights
• Richard Cheese – Christmas Time Is Here
• Special Appearance by MattRach

So, I need to get the Christmas ornaments down from the attic, but our only ladder is rated at 220 lbs., which means I will be stalking Gary of Just Push Play later this week. Poor guy should just eat more, and avoid this sort of unpleasantness.

We discussed our favorite Christmas movies, and here is a clever little quiz for you, loyal listener and member of The Heard:

In what films do the following lines occur:

“Shitter’s Full!”

“He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly.”

“Turn it off. Turn it off. Goddamn it! Shit! Fuckin’ Christmas! Fuckin’ cocksuckers! Jesus!”

First to name them all wins stuff, maybe even this Christmas ornament, although I am growing attached to it:

We also talked about the best gang movies, which will probably need a whole episode to cover in any real detail. Start thinking of what your favorites are, beyond Goodfellas and Godfather, and we will see if we can make a whole little thing outta dis whole deal. By the way, I was scanning Sopranos stuff and came across this little gem – The Sopranos, summed up, the first six seasons in seven minutes or something…

Seven Minute Sopranos

It’s hilarious, and it poignantly reminded me of what an utter and complete disappointment that show really turned out to be. Regardless of what Mr. Perry said, I stopped. Heaven is just a funky moose, indeed.

J, apparently, would like to be the cause of a horrific and utterly morally reprehensible event. I will let you tune in to hear his latest depravity, somehow more caustic than the “cauliflower” incident, and more unsettling than the “placenta” debacle. May God have mercy on you.

Let’s hear from the choir:

Former Fat Boys – I Want It
Richard Cheese – Do They Know It’s Christmas
Richard Cheese – Girls Girls Girls
MC Chris – Fuckin’ Up My Christmas