Posts Tagged “China”Originally using way too many exclamation marks at http://somacow.com
Summer Break! SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by yardstickofdeath.com. In this, our finest hour, we discussed Saving Gasoline in your life, The Girlfight on You Tube, and The Tibet vs. China Olympic Issue. First off – In an effort to help you, our loyal listeners, make it through the coming summer months with your sanity and bank accounts intact, I will simply expound upon what we discussed with a few tips on how to save gasoline in your day to day driving. 1. Cut the AC. Screw whatever you have read about “wind drag” – the majority of you are driving at speeds under 45 miles per hour, sitting in traffic, and have probably pegged your setting at Max A/C Full. It’s summer. You can enjoy a little wind, and tan that sickly pale arm of yours a little bit. Enjoy some fumes, and the sound of the vehicle next to you’s pounding salsa rhythms! 2. Get Off the Leadfoot, and Get On the Good Foot! There is no need to jackrabbit race out of every green light, stop sign, and left turn you make. A slow, gradual crushing of the gas pedal, spanning a period of ten seconds, will accelerate you nearly as fast, and not cause you the initial waste of injected but unused fuel. 3. Tell Her to Stop Eating Cheeseburgers In addition to the obvious added weight load to the vehicle a “tubby” woman can provide, there is a frequently unconsidered cost, the extra travel time brought about as you take back roads, byways, and dirt paths in an effort to make sure none of your friends see you “transporting bison”. Take the past of least resistance by stocking the girls of least gravity in your vehicle, whenever possible! 4. Draft EVERYTHING Everyone that has seen Days of Thunder knows that you can add 700 hp and conserve approximately 15 gallons per minute of fuel by riding the rear end of the vehicle in front of you. The modern civilized man has adopted this somewhat risky but always cool maneuver to the highway, slotting in a hair’s breadth behind tractor trailers and cement mixers and enjoying the lessened wind resistance, but a little known fact is that ALL vehicles can lessen that same wind power. Don’t be afraid to stay on the back tire of motorcyclists, bicyclists, pedestrians, folks in wheelchairs, and trotting horses. If these conveyances are moving too slow for your purposes, a gentle nudge to the offending tire, sneaker, or hoof will alert the front driver to your special needs, and help them giddy up. Hey, rubbing is racing. 5. Pee in a Bottle Longtime secret of the modern trucker, a container (with lid, if possible) and some artistic seat sitting are all that is required to cut down on needless trips to nasty gas station bathrooms. Every time you slow down to exit for a bathroom break, you are sacrificing precious time and gas negotiating various cloverleaf ramps, parking lots, and additional left turns. By simply zipping, dipping, and dripping, you can get down the road in record time! I once traveled from Orlando to Alabama on an 18 oz Gatorade wide mouth bottle! Make sure you dispose of the receptacle appropriately, in conjunction with tip #4, by utilizing it a “lobbed encouragement” to people you might be drafting! I hope this list helps you, and feel free to comment with your own Excellent and Thrifty Gas Saving Techniques! We also discussed the famous Girlfight swirling across news desks and web browsers aplenty. Take a moment to review the footage, and see if it makes you laugh, burn with anger, cry, or yawn. Your reaction can be analyzed as follows: Laughter – You are a sicko, and you are probably German. The word schadenfrued was invented specifically to describe you. Anger or Vengeance – You know what it means to be downtrodden, and you seek justice in this world. You are Charles Bronson, and you have a death wish. Crying or Sadness – You are a Jewel fan. People often give you things with bunnies and geese on them. You have cat(s). Yawning or Boredom – You are Mickey. See you next week. We wrapped up this hour with an Olympics request: Shut up about the torch and Tibet, already. Social justice is meted out by actions and the people, not by some asshole 6700 miles away grabbing a torch. The monks are now being arrested for organizing attacks against Chinese officials. This is strange, because, if you are an American who believes in Freedom, you could say they are “fighting for their independence”. If you are an American who believes in Freedom, you also could say that they are becoming a “terrorist faction”. I love a well blurred line, don’t you? No one should live under the yoke of another, and yet we ALL toil under a collective yoke, it would seem. What is the answer to the Chinese Puzzle Box? Should Tibet be free, and if so, should we extract ourselves from Cuba, Iraq, and all the other nations we have injected ourselves into in an effort to protect our interests? Sound off if you have a pair. And this hour we featured a new artist from The Hopper: Deaf Pedestrians – Hail to the Geek Tags: cat fight, China, gas, gasoline, girl fight, independant, independent, internet, music, olympics, orlando, Podcast, radio, save, talk, tibet, wera, youtubeSomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Tijuana Flats. Hot damn, people, that is a delicious megajuana burrito, all wet and slathered with queso. I may not be able to type out the remainder of this blog due to cheese on the keys. Nobody said this job was easy. In this hour, we bid adieu to Mr. Charlton Heston, who makes Jack Palance look like Jimmy Stewart, but colorized. Eat my dust, Dennis Miller! At the tender age of 84, a person who many would consider to be THE embodiment of a guy, a man’s man, a dude, has shuffled off this mortal coil and gone to defeat Dirty Apes in the afterlife. Farewell, Omega Man. We promise not to eat you. Our discussion of Manly actors bring us to on of my favorite topics: Chins. I am obsessed with the sizes of people’s chins (and right so, as I possess 4 of them). We spent a good bit discussing many of the obvious chins, including The Leno, The Campbell, and This Guy:
I haven’t seen a chin that big since Thunder saw that Lo-Pan was dead! (IN YOUR FACE, DENNIS MILLER!) We discussed the reason for the modern goatee – I frankly am positive it stems from Chin Envy, as a plethora of Generation X, Y, and Z-ers awoke to find their chins universally weak, and flabby. Beard compensation is fine, but as a guy, you really just need to start working out your jaw. Take a few punches every now and then, and jut that sucker out whenever possible. Continuing in the vein of all things 80’s and manly, we somehow got on the topic of G.I. Joe, which is set to release soon as a live action film. I sincerely hope it is not another Chipmunks style rework. Some people claim that all of these films, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Batman… They are all an effort to cash in on our attachment to products from our childhood, prying dollars away from us by tugging on our under-nourished inner child. That being said, I am considering changing the logo for the show:
I think that the systematic rape of our collective childhood memories might be partly true, but I also think it has a lot to do with the fact that Hollywood has been run by retarded committees and focus groups for the last two decades, and would not know how to shoot an original idea if slapped in the face with one. In any case, I am still interested in working for Cobra, so, if you know anyone in ARB Co. HR, put in a good word for me! Our discussion of bad aim also took us to Star Trek, and Star Wars, and thankfully, J extracted us from our Nerd Death Spiral with a Newsbomb at the :20 – Stop by and check it out! We discussed the Olympic Shenanigans in London this weekend, and the question I have for you is this: Isn’t participation IN the Olympics, the free spreading of ideas, the intermingling of crowds, and the general positive vibe of the game what spreads goodwill around the world? Can we agree that the only way to “overcome” the situation between China and Tibet is for the People of China to decide to do what is right? I mean, there are two BILLION chinamen… Are YOU going to tell them to stop making all that racket? Screw the Ice Caps, imagine what would happen if every Chinese person in the world spat in the ocean… In movie news, we were sorry to see Clooney’s latest flick doing ho-hum for its opening weekend. George is just an all around class act, and we wish nothing but success for the guy. It’s been said that he is the last real Hollywood Leading Male, and I completely agree. Mickey and J say the flop was purely born out of a timing issue, and I think I agree. We rounded out the hour discussing 21, which was the #1 movie this week, which led us to discussing gambling. What is your favorite game, and do you have a system that actually worked for you? I read on roulette for an entire year before I realized that my brilliant plan existed, and would fail, even on a single zero European Style table. By the way, peoples – Time is Almost Up. It’s Your Last Chance for Pie. By Pie, I mean your last chance to win the SomaCow Media, Inc. iTouch media player, which we are giving away, FOR FREESIES. Just hit the test, answer the questions correctly, and your name will be in that hat for next week’s cutoff date. I want to give it to you. I cannot wait to give it to you. But I cannot give it to you if you do not enter to WIN the damn thing! Good luck, and Cannonballs. By the way… J has 720 on MAME… Just saying. And for our great music this week:
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