SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Enfamil. If you want a baby with allergies, stomach cramps, constipation, ear infections, and a low IQ, you CANNOT go wrong with formula!

In this hour, we discussed Home Birth vs. Hospital Death, Public Breastfeeding, and just what do you do with all those leftovers?

When I first met my wife, I held a vague image of what a birth should be like. The mother would lie down in a sterile hospital, surrounded by competent medical staff, who would work to get a television on for her so she would not be bored while she sat through her experience. She’d rest, munching ice chips and bon bons, comfortably numb from the waist down, and waiting for gravity, or a pair of tongs, to gently wrest her baby from inside of her body. I, the beleaguered and smoking husband, would pace, at a bar, presumably, and wait for a shiny black rotary phone hung on the wall to ring. Upon the moment of birth, a nurse would call me, and I would hand out cigars and go to meet my son. Or daughter. Probably son, though.

Fast forward to today. After spending some time researching the topic, watching The Business of Being Born, and speaking to God knows how many angry women, I now realize that hospital birth is unnatural. Hospitals are a place for the dying. What good they did in cutting back the infant mortality rate is now being overshadowed by the rising tide of generally unwell people we are becoming. Diabetes, infections, weak immune systems and most of today’s illnesses and emotional disorders can be drawn back, convincingly, to improper treatment of the mother and the fetus during birth.

It’s entirely possible that the ass that just cut you off in traffic, flicking a cigarette butt at your windshield and chowing down on a bacon double cheeseburger was in fact NOT breastfed as a child. Or, J. Or Mickey, last year? Or even me. But I was breastfed… Most of the time.

We discussed public breastfeeding, which I am for, and dry-boob breastfeeding, which I am not for, and the oversexualization of a food source. I ask the men of our audience, have you ever wondered just WHY you like boobs so much? I always thought it was silly, but I learned through enough Married With Children episodes that it was my duty to care for the bags of milk glands, and so I did. I wouldn’t want to go back, but… To this day, when I see boobs, I am sort of unimpressed. Cursed, my existence.

We also chatted about Placentas. In my birthing class, I learned that some people sell Breast Milk and/or Placenta tissue on the internet. Is this true? This cannot be true. Somebody, get me a fact sheet, or a final sale Ebay auction, or something. Our teacher said that there was a doctor with some kind of cancer, and he was paying fat bank for mom moojuice on the internets. Urban legend? Let me know.

Mickey was out again, and so Ross filled in with us once more, giving some good fatherly advice beside J on the subject of Potty Training, Violence at Furniture, and even stepping up for a little Life Coaching at the :40! It’s truly a One to Grow On moment for everyone involved! Those of you bored from the boob talk can enjoy our suggestion for the newest RonCo Device.

We supped from the burgeoning teats of the following great boobs:

• The Meat Purveyors – 100 miles
• Birds & Batteries – Heart of Gold

Tags: baby formula, batteries, birds, bon bons, boobs, breast milk, breastfed, breastfeeding, breastmilk, business of being born, comedy, constipation, ear infections, ebay, formula, home birth, hospital, indie, internet, low IQ, meat purveyors, mortality, music, orlando, placenta, Podcast, potty training, public breastfeeding, radio, ronco, stomach cramps

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Olde Cup and Saucer. It’s the best damn gypsy business in town, and Jen and I absolutely love it.

In this episode, we discussed my newfound love for tea, in all its forms, from the new Pure Leaf stuff being pimped by Lipton to this special magic brew oolong bomb secret spicy tea I am drinking. I only ask 2 things from my tea – be cold, and not taste like rotting fruit. There is NOTHING worse than tea that has sat in a cistern at a fast food restaurant for too long, and now every sip makes you wonder if it was brewed from the grout cleanings at the local YMCA shower. Except maybe Nestea. Holy crap, there must be acid in that stuff, like, scour your pooldeck acid, cause it will give you the burning coughy all day long.

We tried out a new segment, where I quiz my fellow hosts in an effort to determine who is paying attention. I think it was fun, Mickey and J looked silly, and the listeners enoyed playing along, so I think I will make it a Staple each week. Play along in the chatroom, and prove to everyone else that you are the smart!
We talked about a terrible story from Hawaii, where bureaucracy has caused one family the ultimate in suffering. For shame, faceless governmental agency sprouting needlessly from our senseless fear… For SHAME.

We also talk about my MAN! He may not be as lefty as Kucinich, or as outsidery as Ron Paul, but I feel like it is time. It’s time, for

I cannot wait! A vote for Obama is a vote against old people!

I choked down so much meat this week, that my olfactory isn’t making enough ol’ offal for me to get through Henry Rollins, so I cheated and pre-reviewed Mr. Black’s book. I am ashamed, you are nonplussed, Amazon is waiting for your credit card number.

We all agree that the writer’s strike, while lengthy, was unnecessary. After watching recent episodes of all the major evening shows, it is apparent that the writers were not what made the shows so good.

Mickey rarely suggests links, so you should take notice of these:

Funny or Die

You Suck At Photoshop

Andy Mila… Millakno…. Milinoc…. That Fat Greek Kid is NOT The Man Show Boy. I am serious, look it up.

Mickey also regaled us with a film that we must go see, if only to look for traces of Chrispy.

Please feel free to send us your independent music, movie scripts, finger paintings, pictures of bewbs, and other assorted creative stuffs, and we will happily display it in a place of prominence, here, on the internet’s refrigerator door of justice. moo@somacow.com!

Music:

• The Saints – Je Fuckin’ T’aime

• Bad Astronaut – Auto Care

Hey, about that Free iPod! Make sure you check the top o’ the page for the linkity link!

Tags: alternative, andy, astronaut, atkins, bad, barack, black, boobs, chat, comedy, constipation, cup, die, diet, free, funny, futi, hawaii, henry, independant, independent, internet, ipod, kucinich, leaf, lewis, man, michael, milonakis, movie, music, obama, olde, orlando, paul, photoshop, pittsburgh, Podcast, pure, quiz, radio, rollins, ron, saints, samoa, saucer, scripts, show, shower, suck, tea, ustream, ymca