SomaCow

Yes, yesterday’s episode was chock full of my birthday.

Thanks to Geoff and Mickey for keeping the elderly jokes down in the triple digits.

d00d, I’m NOT all that old.

One way you can tell that I am not all that old is that I just spelled “dude” in the vernacular of “the kids today”. That is because I am a baller who is also dope and, possibly, fly.

So what’s up wit all dat old-people stuff directed at me, yo?

Word!

Crib!

Posse!

Just because I drive at speeds inversely proportional to my age, such that, should I live to be older than 70 I will actually be driving in reverse; and just because nearly every gift I received this year contained some form of bran; and just because I got flashed by a young hottie during my birthday visit to Burlington Coat Factory, which caused me to exclaim “My GOD! These coats are on clearance for only $29.99!”…doesn’t mean that I am getting old.

Good lookin’ out, dawg!

Iced-out grill!

Badonkadonk!

I can still hang with the younger crowd. I can still shake my grooved thing. I can still make young, twenty-something girls gasp when I pass by, and whisper excitedly to each other “You have mace in your purse, right?”. I can still bust a movement, thanks to all that bran.

Sure, maybe I DO wear my pants pulled up so high that my belt more closely resembles a push-up bra. Maybe I DO like to fall asleep at 8:30pm to the phat breakbeats of Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly.

And maybe I DO have a tiny bit of a middle-aged spread around the tummy department that makes my cellphone ring in my front pocket every time I bend over. None of that makes me OLD, bitches!

Don’t make me bust a capsule of laxative in yo’ ass.

Someday, you might just find YOURSELF staring down the business end of a bran birthday cake.

Peach out, my brothels.

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UPDATED: Check out the latest SomaSims here!

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Tags: badonkadonk, Bill O'Reilly, birthday, bran, brothels, Burlington Coat Factory, cellphone, crib, dope, elderly, fly, hottie, j, laxative, mace, old people, posse, Sims

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, strangely not brought to you in this hour by IKEA. It’s a known fact that skynet is a pansy, when compared to the SKU tracking system that must be in place at IKEA.

Okay, this whole episode hinges on how freaking big that store is. It’s big. It’s just retarded big (we’ll get into that next time.) When God said, “Let There Be Light” he had to ask IKEA to move. The Vehicle Assembly Building at NASA Headquarters suffers from structural envy when it gazes across at the IKEA store. Bags of Holding do not actually port to another dimension… They port to the cafeteria at IKEA. When Omega Supreme picked up Megatron and slammed him into the moon, he actually slammed him into an IKEA. The Borg actually drove around in a giant gray IKEA. Fun Fact: No one has ever seen an entire side of IKEA in one glance.

So, yeah. It’s a store. I went there. I talked about it. You should go see it, once. Bring food, not just for yourself, but for the thousands of dispirited vagabonds you will be tripping over that were not smart enough to bring their own provisions.

We also discussed the assembly of my daughter’s crib.

I am sure every little girl wants blood red walls, yellow shag carpeting, and a banker’s lamp! Seriously… I need parenting help. Mickey and J are no help, because they hate me. What do you do with a girl? Does she fish? Color? Should I just get her a Wii now?

Normally, I would spend some time here making light of our dear J, as he again committed social suicide this week by catering an imaginary wedding with fake meats for unmet clients in neverwhere. The dude does not have Peter Pan syndrome… He has Lo Pan syndrome. His soul swims in it. And by it, I mean pasty not-go-outsidedness. Seriously, folks. Friends do not let friends get so involved in an mmorpg that they are selecting imaginary wines to pair with the imaginary third course.

Imagine how sad it would be if he hadn’t gotten paid… I mean, he did get paid… Right? What?
I hate him so.

You know who I do NOT hate? These great bands!

• Sullivan – Goodbye, Miss Havisham
• The Flesh – In Paradise

• And a very special appearance by Jonathan Coulton with his song… Ikea . (You can buy the song for a buck)

And Mickey! Make sure you check out the fastest growing segment in internet introspection, it’s life coaching with Mickey at the :40!

Tags: advice, bags of holding, borg, comedy, crib, flesh, god, ikea, internet, Jonathan Coulton, let there be light, lo pan, meatballs, megatron, mmorpg, nasa, omega, orlando, parenting, peter pan, Podcast, radio, shag carpet, sku, somacow, sullivan, supreme, swedish, talk, vab, wii, world of warcraft, wow