SomaCow

This is a blog about a fat guy who got hip checked when reality handed him Diabetes and asked, “Do You Want To Die?”

Today is Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, and my samhnag was carved up and ready to go by 12:00 noon today.

I was standing outside, reflecting on what life had become over the last month, while I waited for trick or treaters to come to my house. I watched kids chasing through the shadows, eager to fill their sacks and buckets with as much sucrose as they could lay hands on.

So many of them were fat, pudgy, short of breath, asthmatic, possibly? There’s their dad, smoking like a chimney, his tummy paunched forward, maybe just a gut, maybe cirrhosis.

There’s their mom, walking in that vaguely penguin way women must when their thighs have grown so flabby the skin rubs raw with each heavy, flip-flop mauling step.

As I asked on the show this week, “Why do I need to watch horror movies anymore?”

What emotion  can I muster from watching Pinhead flay the flesh from some chump’s bones, when I know a few high glucose numbers, or low numbers, could see me in a coma, never to wake again?

What terror could possess me about hell, the devil, or demons, when I know I have probably given my own child a loosely wrapped gift, which she may inadvertently open one day and discover this idiot disease waiting inside?

My dreams are no longer haunted by a Freddy Krueger, they are filled with visions of needles and foot amputation and ever-blander diets and waking up one day to find the meds just do not work anymore, or heart disease has finally come home to stay, or my eyes are no longer working.

If the body is a house, this disease is mold. It gets in the eaves, the spaces between the walls, underneath the floorboards, and it festers. It grinds away at the good parts, and corrupts what it touches.

I am thankful I can still see, I just wish the view was not this weirdness.

I know, it looks like I forgot to wash myself.

I didn’t. And those aren’t freckles.

It’s either little burst blood vessels from all of my exercising, or diabetic dermopathy, or some new horror. My next appointment isn’t until January 20 somethingth, and I think I might should schedule a look-see before then.

I’ll keep an eye on it. I really hope nothing is wrong. Otherwise, I had a great birthday, and Rowan had a great Halloween, and I am off to pay back some sleep debt!

Tags: ankles, brown, brownish, calf, dirty, dots, foot, leg, little, red, shin, small, specks, spots, tiny, weird

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Aftermath. Every Saturday night from 8:00 to 10:00pm (Eastern), check out their relentless and entertaining show!

So, we’re always growing here on the network. We’ve enjoyed success with many new additions over the last few months, and we are very excited about our new show, The Aftermath. Jordan and CJ are bringing fresh takes on all manner of topics, from politics to entertainment to local issues… There isn’t a row they won’t hoe. I don’t even know what that means. Get in there and check ‘em out!

 

A long time ago, George Carlin once commented that “Most people that are against abortion are people you wouldn’t want to F#$@ in the first place.” I wanted to see if that could be true, and we valiantly, if not vainly, attempted to find a hot republican woman. Babs? Ann? Laura? Sigh… Government is broken.

We touched on the Florida Voting Armageddon, set to unleash as,yet AGAIN, Floridian Idiots will end up somehow deciding the fate of the entire nation. How does this continue to be the recurring theme in every election? At least, this time, Michigan will have to take some of the heat. The Democratic Party should be ashamed of themselves, and I changed my party affiliation to Democrat so that I can participate in the special election they will inevitably force soon.

I am not going to mount a soapbox here, I just want you to think about this. The Democrats are broken. The Republicans are broken. We need third party intervention, or fifth party, or seventy eighth party… There are far too many voices in this country to summate the scope with a single man. It may have worked in the 1700s, and even the 1900s, but we can no longer have the bomb, the military, and the veto in one dumb hand. Time for government to shut up for a while, and people to get busy producing. Let’s aim for creating a quagmire, and halt the addition of ANY new legislation.

Okay. Enough about world issues. We discussed a dark secret of one of our very own hosts. Followers of Oz may remember a certain prison term known as “spooning”. Which of us harbors such a creepy history? Strangely, this is the part of the blog where I will not choose to inform you that SomaCow is giving away a free iTouch media player. Take the test for a chance to win damn near $300.00 of shiny plastic and glowing parts. You deserve it, sweetie.

Please forgive the singing. I swear, I never wanted you to hear that. We made it up to you with the following fantastic artists:

• Dirty Wormz – Black Piranha
• Dirty Wormz – Wig On The Pig

Can someone please tell me why Simon is doing this all the time now on American Idol?

Did they finally address it on the show? I noticed it a few weeks ago, and it’s just…… WEIRD

Tags: abortion, aftermath, alternative, american, ann, baba, barbara, bullwinkle, carlin, comedy, democrat, dirty, election, florida, free, gargamel, george, hand, hbo, idol, independant, independent, internet, ipod, itouch, laura, moose, orlando, oz, Podcast, primary, prison, radio, republican, simon, spooning, vote, woman, wormz

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by the fine folks at Rational Riot. It’s sort of like that Candlebox song, but without all the emotive rocking.

Okay. Shocker episode this time around, because we talked about food, and drinking, and rude. We were champing at the bit to get down to Texas de Brazil, and so we raced around. In a valiant effort to get the goddamned subject off of eating for once, we discussed the finer points of shaving. I seriously need to, and ingrown hairs are just plain nasty. What a horrific flaw in the design of man that is, and proof positive that shaving is an unnatural and weird act.

I find it humorous that people consider shaving to be a sign of culture and etiquette, considering the irrational ideas behind such behavior. You pluck hair from a horse, and make lather from alkaline death, and sharpen steel and place it by your jugular… How barbaric.

Look… I will shave. I really will. I just have to spread out the time between shaves, with the average being about two to three months. We discuss in this episode what happens if you do more.

We also talked about drunken behavior, and cell phone behavior, and why it is incredibly difficult to not walk over to the counter at seven eleven and pick up the happy yellow coffeepot and smash it over the guy next to you in line’s head repeatedly, until he collapses into a heap of bloodied skin, broken bone, and smashed bluetooth. I’m not violent, but I am willing to learn, you know?

Weekly Constitutional focused on Henry Rollins’ The First Five, a collection of his earlier narratives and verse from the 80s. Gripping stuff, and I highly recommend it if you are intelligent and somewhat mad. Then again, you listen to this show, so you are obviously intelligent, and quite mad. Buy the book, support the show, free your mind, eat at Joe’s, and all that razzamatazz.

This hour also features the oddest, and most frightening thing I have ever been asked by a listener. I don’t even want to go into it. It’s just… odd. I want to believe the person asking was a woman, and joking, but I am pretty sure that neither was the case. Just go listen. The Horror.

You know what would be good to listen to on a Free iTouch, courtesy of SomaCow? The following great artists, THAT’s what. Chicken Butt.

• Straight Outta Junior High – Meatheads, Douchebags, and Me
• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain

Oh, and apologies to Mickey for the Dane Cook reference. I just can’t control myself. My. SELF.

Tags: 7-11, all, all you can eat, ayce, bluetooth, boobs, brazil, can, candlebox, constitutional, cook, dane, de, dirty, drinking, drunk, eat, eleven, first, five, food, free, henry, high, independant, independent, internet, ipod, itouch, junior, meat, music, orlando, outta, Podcast, radio, rational, riot, rollins, rude, seven, sojh, spaghetti, straight, talk, texas, tickle, weekly, wormz, you