SomaCow

Do You Want To Die? A Question I am asking myself, every day, as I attempt to control the disease Diabetes.

Really, Diabetes is a weak name. It sounds like something little girls would sell door to door or standing out in front of a Publix.

“Good evening, sir, would you like to try some Samoas, Tagalongs, or maybe some Diabetes?”

Diabetes needs a new name, something that indicates just how sinister and quiet and evil it really is; something that clearly communicates that it wants to kill you,that it will straight up kill you, and you are probably going to die when it is done killing you.

We could just call diabetes “United Healthcare”, and be done with it, but that gets into legal issues, and no one wants United Healthcare mad at them. Just look at how they operate when you pay them!

What about Sugar-AIDS? Probably takes away from the advanced HIV folks, but it certainly leaps off the page. How about for Type II, we call it Suicide via Excess? I know that no one wants this disease, and genetics force our hand in its inception, but the reality is that many sufferers of diabetes also drink, smoke, eat too much, sleep too little, refuse to floss, and rarely exercise.

I know what I want to call it.

The Unfair Fucked-Up Wasting Disease.

Erosion Through Friction.

Crystallized Consumption, burning through my organs One. Granulated. Carbohydrate. At. A. Time.

What You Eat, Eats You. What?

Yes, I said floss. It seems that the sugary blood I had before was also working on my gums and teeth. When I was a kid, One of my teeth never came in, so I had a temporary tooth all my life, on the bottom row, center stage.

Out of nowhere, a few months ago, it wiggled right out of my head. Since then, I have looked like an obese hockey player whenever I smile.

I now know it probably fell out due to high blood sugar. I also know that I must (gently) brush and floss religiously now, because my gums are way more likely to fail now.

Not a pretty image, the pinks retracting, showing more and more of the smoker-yellowed enamel, until finally, one by one, the roots let go and you go get fitted with a set of wooden chompers that will never sit right and probably get eaten by a dog, and you won’t be able to afford new ones, so you will just have to follow that dog around…

It can happen, dude. Happened to a friend of mine http://www.theexp.net

The point is, fuck no. I will opt for hygiene. Stupid Diabetes. Every day it hits you with a new, shitty gift.Good thing my life kicks ass!

Tags: aids, diabetes, disease, erosion, gums, hole, rot, sugar, teeth, tooth, wasting

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey’s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk.

The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can’t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand “applications” from my last bout of “browsing”. The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista’s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware.

Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means “future done seen”, Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton’s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of… THOSE people.

We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It’s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe.

As an aside – Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn’t it?

Why is America so willing to “take back” Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm “just say you are sorry and all will be fine again” mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well… The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows!

Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies?

I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril)

After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee).

I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe’ Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as “Morris”, the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm… Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap.

Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from “A” tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains… Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice.

Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that’s good at Starbucks? your barista’s kidney!

We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along:

Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues… But – it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later!

For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands:

• The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
• Notorious MSG – Warlord

Tags: anything, barista, clinton, coaching, comedy, constitutional, debe, disease, dollyrots, hilary, hillary, hitler, housing, independant, independent, internet, jen, kidney, ladies, life, market, msg, music, notorious, obama, orlando, Podcast, politics, radio, say, somacow, starbucks, swedish, talk, the bible, vista, weekly