SomaCow

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this hour by the fine folks at BJ’s Brewhouse. Cause, seriously. wow. That is just some good damned food.

So, yeah. We talk about something all too near and completely undear to me – Clowns. Their caked makeup, their faux sad/happy/stupid faces, their shiny clothes, their giant floppy appendages, and their myriad stupid “gags”. Last week it was reported that many children hate, fear, or are indifferent to clowns. DAMNED RIGHT. The clowns are going apetits, hollering that kids need them, and love them. As IF. The kids in the burn ward have been through ENOUGH, Bonzo.

Cassie rejoins us, and we pry some more goods out of her. The girl is just open. Communicative, intelligent, spirited, and I pitch a hissy fit at J in this hour because he keeps plowing into me and my conversation with Cassie. Maybe I should have led the episode with, “Putting the block in my cock”. Worst Sesame Street Episode Title, Ever.

Cassie confirms my longstanding belief on Fat Girls and Personality. It’s a rock solid theory, but I have always wondered – what about all the mean fatty women out there, with no personality, no intelligence… Straight up Fatches – What makes fat girls go bad? Is it the lack of sex? The scarcity of lemon cake? The weakness of chairs?

Mickey and I give some clothing choice for sexy time. The teacher/librarian/lawyer look is all that a woman needs to get on for most guys to get off, it would seem.

J, being firmly entrenched in 1996, likes club chix chic. Please send him pictures of your boobs lit by glowsticks and he will kindly thank ye.

And check out Mickey’s Lifecoaching segment (around the :40)! It’s a can’t miss experience, every week, and I am looking forwards to the book in 09!

In this hour, we rolled the following great songs in flour and looked for the G clef:

• The Manifest Content – Little Red Baby Dolls
• Duenow – But

Tags: alternative, bj, bonzo, boobs, brewhouse, burn, chic, children, chix, clowns, club, content, duenow, fat, fatches, girls, glow, independant, independent, internet, lawyer, librarian, manifest, media, orlando, personality, Podcast, radio, somacow, sticks, teacher, ward

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this hour by Guinness.

Ah, the majesty that is St. Augustine, Florida. Surely divine providence was in play when this noble town sprang forth from the yielding bosom of a fort known as Castillo de San Marcos (Literally, “Castle of Sand and Water Sports That Most Kids Cheat At”). We toured the Fort during the morning, which is the best time to stand stoically amidst the parapets and gaze upon the overweight and under entertained masses yearning to breathe air free from horsey poops.

As we approached, I was struck with awe and some shock to discover that the fort had never once fallen in battle, a feat made all the more amazing by the fact that it was defended by Spaniards that were apparently too short to mount the cannons high enough to fire over the wall. Luckily, the walls are crafted of a magical substance known as “Coquina”, which looks like some shelly concrete and apparently is capable of taking straight cannonballs to the balls all day with nary a complaint. Perhaps the Spanish could have avoided the upcoming shame of having their entire armada defeated by “Protestant Wind” by making their ships out of this stuff.

So, yeah, the fort is neat, and HAUNTED. Oogita Boogita, folks, I shit you not. Witness the strange “Golden Lights of El Dorado”, which cascade the prison bars/cheery windows/blessed aperture/ of this stable/mess hall/church:

If you are lucky enough to be touring the fort on any day we didn’t, at any time we didn’t, you apparently can thrill to the ritualistic shooting of a cannon sound effect, which is brought about by stout, hardy folk who go the extra length to keep the period illusion up. No bones about it, these guys toil in myriad ways to ensure that tourists are treated to a real sense of what things were like, “way back then”.

Tasty.

So, I told about my exploits, and Mickey informed me that he has never set foot out of Orlando in all the time he has been here. Imagine the sadness of such a life… Mickey has never experienced the soul-enriching experience of Dinosaur World, or Cypress Gardens, or Fuddruckers, or Yeehaw Junction, or any of the other glorious sand traps that make this mighty state dangle proud off the backside of America.

J, apparently, was too winded to comment. Although his skin did seem to crawl when I suggested we all live together and grow fruits.

PSA – Do not sleep to Discovery Health Channel, or, as I like to call it, the freak show tent channel. Holy crap, people… Try sleeping dreaming you are a 900 lb. dwarf half of a conjoined twin, fused at the throat with a hypertensive tumor named “Jasmine”… Just use the sleep timer or something, for crying out loud. No one needs that in their subconscious.

Mickey and J helped me understand that I had the lyrics to We Didn’t Start the Fire all wrong… What I had been singing was way off, apparently:

“Starkweather, homicide, children of the little mind”…

Who knew thalidomide was even a drug? When my mom felt preggo-antsy, she just fired up some good weed and had a few glasses of chardonnay and sallied forth. Weird.

And then Mickey started talking about Kiss. I am not sure what the hell he was driving at, but the boy needs help.

So, I had a good week, and hope you did as well! Please feel free to tell me tales of your own exploits in St. Augustine, or any other Florida Rest Stop you may frequent!

And a special Moo thanks to our friends Cassie and Jacki for this awesome homage shot during New Years Eve. Send us your creative pics!

We started the following fires in this episode:

Duenow – Sex & Guns
No More Kings – Sweep the Leg
Turbnegro – No, I’m Alpha Male

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