SomaCow

 

 211: Fay Victis! [58:35m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Bounty Paper Towels! For all your sopping needs, the quicker picker upper will get your water beefalopes tumble-dry in NO time! Whatever.

In this hour, we whet our appetites with a tale of three men, hunkered and blown by the vicious Tropicane Fay. Thrill to stories both musty and drippy as Geoff recants his harrowing experience, where 13 minutes without power almost led to cannibalization of his pets and family. Witness J brought to tears as he watched, harrowedly, his dachshunds, Johnsonville and Pepperidge whisked down the street and into a hotdog cart. Agonize with us as Mickey describes the storm’s path in harrowing but completely inaccurate detail!

It’s all here, in this, our squishiest hour!

We also talk about Obama Mit Biden, and their obvious decision to join teams in an effort to get McCain elected. WTG, dream team! Too bad we couldn’t have fielded the Louis Farrakhan/Richard Simmons ticket, which might have brought more of America out. Stupid Democrats. Maybe McCain will spontaneously crystallize into a fossil and give this country a chance.

Also, we at SomaCow are asking for a grassroots initiative. If you listen to the show, you are being charged with a responsibility – Fire your local news team. All of them. The whole smarmy, wool suited, over-lip-glossed, sassy, white teethed, brainless, thoughtless, rude, senseless pile of them. Refuse to watch the news until they fix themselves, and stop tuning in to the car wreck that modern media has become. We all deserve better.

We fought the sog to the following dope beats!

• The Bellrays – Footprints on Water

The east coast of Florida suffered significant damage from TropiCane Fay. Our thoughts and prayers are with them.
Inland, where I live, not so much with the flooding or wind damage.
Still, that doesn’t mean I can’t get all emotionally fired up about this tragedy…

As we all pull together the shattered remnants of our lives in the wake of the carnage and destruction wrought by TropiCane Fay, I look back and see how I could have better prepared to withstand Mother Nature’s onslaught. Though the misadventures I report below may be nerve-shattering, I hope that they might help you fare better than I did through future stormy disasters.

• Ensure that all playing cards are stored securely in their cases! I overlooked this obvious preparation, and stood helpless as I watched several cards whisked away by the fierce winds. I now face the reality of enduring whatever may come, in the form of nature’s fury, bereft of the Six of Clubs and the Jack of Diamonds.
  How the hell am I supposed to play Texas Hold’em with no Six of Clubs or Jack of Diamonds?!
• The floor lamp on my patio will never again shed its warm, comforting light on me.
  At least, not until I replace the bulb that was shattered when the lamp tipped over and smacked against the side of the house.
• At one point, my son opened the French doors in order to check on the unspent fury of the storm. Though the doors were only open for a brief moment, it was still long enough to blow the pages of my desk calendar ahead by four days. Those are four days of my life that I will never get back.
• Why, oh why, did I not bring inside the People magazine with Christina Applegate on the cover.
  Now, her beautiful face is blurred by the pelting rain, and the cologne sample cards inside are of no use to anyone.
• Our beloved family pets, dachshunds Blitzen and Riley, whom we now lovingly keep outside because they lovingly pissed all over the carpet when we had them inside, may never be the same. Long-haired Blitzen was slightly dampened, resulting in an unsightly matted ear, while Riley was devastated by the loss of part of an old trash bag that he had been chewing on. Lovingly.
• The coupon, left on my front door by Mama Mental Pizza, is no more. The anguish of that missed opportunity is unbearable.
  Maybe we could order Chinese. See? Already I am looking bravely to the future.
• The little red plastic flag on my mailbox was blown from the up position to the down position, despite the fact that I have outgoing mail.
  How will I communicate with the outside world?!
• At one point, as I endured the fierce gales, my hair moved.
  I have no words.

PS: Does anyone have instructions on exactly how to go about unhunkering down?