SomaCow

I’m fully aware that I am about as healthy as drinking a jar of mayonnaise through a straw.

I eat too much junk food.
I drink too much.
I smoke too much.
I have too much sex. What? Shut up.

I get winded making the bed.
I have to take frequent rest breaks while riding an escalator.
When using a ladder to hang Christmas decorations, I have to establish a “base camp” on the second rung.

What I’m saying is: it came as no surprise to me that I almost died from the killer “Captain Micks” flu virus that Mickey gave to us all.

What DID surprise me was how quickly, and completely, the disease disabled me, and how long it lasted.

I’m recovered now, and I really appreciated all of your “Get Well Soon”, “We miss you”, “OMG it turns out that you really ARE the source of the SomaCow funny, get your ass back there!” emails, but I thought I would give you a private glimpse into my two weeks of suffering, in hopes that it might at least garner me some sympathy b00bie pics.

A Day on my Deathbed

11:00am – Wake up. Open left eye. Rest briefly. Open right eye.
11:15am – Ask someone to please wring out my pillowcase and replace it with one that is neither dripping nor off-green.
12:00pm – Wish that I could remember what food tastes like.
12:30pm – Take the ninth and tenth Nyquil ComaCaps of the day.
2:00pm – Wake up lying on the cold bathroom tile, wondering whether I was headed there to pee, barf or re-apply my hair gel.
3:00pm – Wish that I could remember what cigarettes taste like,
4:30pm – Insert a ShamWow into each nostril. Try to sleep on my back.
6:00pm – Enjoy a hearty dinner of Afrin Nasal Spray and Cherry Hall’s.
7:00pm – Watch “Friends”. Hey, I’m not DEAD.
7:30pm – Wish that I could remember what sex tastes like.
8:00pm – Collapse into a restless slumber for the night, with fevered dreams of Jennifer Aniston rubbing Vick’s Vap-o-Rub on my pompadour, which causes sparks to shoot out and collect into a rectangle that begins to burn my head.
8:15 – Wake up long enough to realize that what is actually happening is that the heating pad has ignited my hair gel.
8:16 – Decide that putting out the fire can wait until tomorrow.
zzz…ZZZ…zzz…ZZZ…

I wouldn’t wish this miserable virus on anyone. Please, please, please, dear listeners, get your flu shots.

And never, never, never purchase butane hairstyling products.

 

 278: Nothing Like Sharing Some Germs [59:26m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by Tylenol in all its forms.

In this, our middle hour, we discussed the germs that Mickey brought into the studio. Now we can’t blame him for sure on our current situation (read 3 people hopped up on Tylenol and Nyquil alternating between hot and cold). I mean Brian from JPP came in sick, The Sports Buzz’s Ryan had a sniffle…Felix might have had a virus…

Speaking of viri, we seem to have had one infect the studio. How do we find out where it came from? Luckily it was easy to get rid of but what a pain, still!

So here we sit, snot rags all around, blankets covering our naked bodies because it will just get hot again soon, but hey, we aren’t eating so 1000 pound challenge here we come!

In fact I’m starting to get a little hungry but the only thing in our fridge is the Velvet Duck we  had the other night. Holy crap! Maybe we have Avian Bird Flu from the Velvet Duck! (That’s Geoff current theory at least-yeah, feverish)

You all stay healthy so you can join us for ComaSow live Wednesday! (hey, it was the only show that didn’t get a plug yet)

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