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Geoff Invents a Food
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Agave
J vs The President
Use the Beak
Blackheads
Driving and Crying and Texting
CFTR III: Cycle Off

I got my first case of sticker shock the other day.

I am not sure if you follow the fear, but many people believe we are on the edge of a financial crisis. We will feel the impact of this impending cash inflation first at the gas pump, and second in the grocery store.

I am scared, because I caught a glimpse of the future, specifically, a future where healthy, sustainable food is out of reach.

I went to a higher end grocery store, often featured on cooking shows. I had never been, and wanted to see what it was like.

I was immediately blown away by the selection. Vegetable juice bar? Ninety-three kinds of fish, instead of five? An olive bar that takes up 200 square feet of space, containing MORE than just three kinds of olives?

Aisle after aisle, I was amazed at the selection. The cheese section alone took me twenty minutes to scan through!

I was overjoyed, because I had finally found a place that seemed almost custom tailored to my new way of eatliving! Need greens? They have eight kinds! Want a bread low in glycemic indices? They have TWENTY! All kinds of good fish, lean meats, grass fed beef, hormone free chicken, natural goat cheese, goat milk, fresh yogurt with no high fructose corn syrup! All the shit that will keep your body not just running, but SINGING!

Every price sticker tells where the food was grown, whether it is sustainable and produced soundly, and even differing colors to help you identify stuff in or out of season!

But, as the fever descended, and I saw what a grocer COULD be, my eyes trailed down those price stickers, to the actual, you know, prices.

A niggling doubt grew into a very real, stark realization for me. For all my love of food, for all my grill outs, seasonings, bulk-buying, recipe-extracting, dinner-fu, I had absolutely no business in this place.

I turned to Jen, and with a thick throat, I said, “I can not afford to shop here. Not even a little bit. I am so sorry, sweetheart.”

I should have stayed in college. I should have bought my house at a different time. We should have saved more, invested more, tried harder. Because for us, Publix was as high as it gets.

We actually need to downgrade, maybe hit some Aldi, keep up the meatbulk at Sam’s, and start availing ourselves of the produce stands that still exist on the north side of town.

I was getting a bit choked up. I bought some goat cheese ($6.00 for a 4 oz wedge), some beans and olives ($20.00), some organicy yogurt in a big ass glass jar for Rowan ($7.99) and a 7 lb. spaghetti squash on sale! ($7.00)

How to cook spaghetti squash? Simple!

Heat oven to 400 degrees

Stab forty tiny holes in the squash so it does not explode

Stick in oven for an hour, a quarter hour or so longer if it’s huge.

When you remove the squash, carefully cut it in half

Sift out the seeds. I think they are inedible, correct me if they are not.

Use a fork, shred the inner flesh away from the rind, and it will come off in little strands, like spaghetti!

At that point, you can do anything to it. Put sauce on it, put thai spices on it, do ANYthing. It is a delicious, healthy canvas upon which you may paint.

I went with some agave, red pepper, oregano, paprika, garlic, mustard, onion, coriander, cumin, and a bit of salt and it was WONDERFUL. If you like Pad Thai, this, maybe, could be the rice noodles in a Pad Thai-style dish one day.

Anyway, here was my hormone-laden chicken, starring next to my organic squash and sauce, and a lovely JenSalad, pesticide-enriched.

I finally have stopped crying, and am looking into a better food $olution. My research has pointed me back to a fascinating idea, which isn’t THAT new, but sure sounds good to me!

Food Co-Ops.

I am investigating several types, and signing up for all of them as fit.

There’s Shaolin Gardens, a local couple who grow produce. Here, you pay a rate up front and receive available produce fresh throughout the season.

There’s Farm Fresh Direct 2U, a farmer who will deliver (meetup style) on what you order, with the price being settled on the order at the time of transfer, due to weight and volume.

And there’s HomeGrown Co-Op, a clearing house where you place an order by x time, and it is delivered or pick-upable by a certain time, all locally grown here in Central Florida, with details on the producers!

Pickles!

Anyway, google your hometown and see what is available. What I immediately noticed is that the further you get from populated cities, the wider your available selection of fresh produce gets. Odd.

Local Harvest can help you find Co-Ops, as well!

I’m still pony.

That’s a little horse.

The cold that I had has metamorphed to this wheedling thing, and I will be happy when it leaves here with its mucus and its itchy throat and its hazy, almost-but-not-quite sneezing.

In the meantime I am putting in some longer days at work, which requires that I leave the house at 5:30 am and get home at 7:30 pm.

I’ve had way worse schedules, and I am sure many of you do, but it’s sort of a bitch with the diabetes, and I am learning how to get through the day, camping style.

Today, my sweet Helper Monkeys packed superfoods aplenty. When I left my house I had - black coffee – 40 carrot slices – 2 hard boiled eggs – a half cup of beans – six olives - a cup of raw pecans  - a turkey sandwich with tomato on whole wheat and pumpernickel swirl bread – 4 additional slices of turkey

I was, in short, loaded for bear.

Diabetes Bear.

THE DEADLIEST OF BEARS, FOR HE CANNOT ENJOY HONEY! RARRR!!!!!!

At 6:15 I was on the road and feeling good. At 6:50 I was pulling in to get more coffee. I had already eaten three olives.

at 7:20 I popped an egg in my mouth and chewed it up.

at 7:21 I figured I might as well chase that with the olives. Plenty of good fats

at 8:00 I was nearing my job site. I munched a few pecans.

by 9:00 I was nomming more pecans.

the coffee was gone.

by 10:00, the beans made their way down my gullet, briefly alone, until the second egg came looking for them.

by 11:00 (almost lunch time!) I was worried that the turkey sandwich was getting too warm, and so I grabbed it and chomped it down. It was sooooo good.

I also munched the turkey slices. Without ice, how could I ensure their food safety status?

So, by 11:15, everything was gone but the carrot slices. I had no food for lunch, but who needs lunch when you have eaten everything in sight in one morning?

At 3:00 in the afternoon, I munched my carrots. I made them last, enjoying each bite, lightly rolling them in my mouth, savoring their sweet, a bit overhigh in the glycemic index but carotoid heavy goodness.

Or are they?

It seems that the initial rating of carrots as being too high in the glycemic index may have been a misprint, or poor science. It also seems that the carb load isn’t what we are led to believe, depending on which website you utilize. The American Diabetes Association includes recipes with carrots on its website, other sites threaten that too many can spike your blood like WHOA. Some sites cite the sight benefits of beta-carotene, some ignore it completely.

Fun, when simple queries like “should I eat carrots?” are answered with yes, no, sometimes, rarely, never, and often.

I guess it doesn’t matter, since all the carrots were gone by 3:02.

No wonder people keep dying of this shit.

You know what IS good for me? Peppers, onions, mushrooms, and smelt! Had that for dinner, and it was excellent. Super Helper Monkey Rowan helped me brush on some olive oil and pepper.

MAN were they yummy!

Tomorrow, I will try to space out my eating a bit better.

I spent some time with the family tonight, scouring stores for our little girl’s costume for Halloween. Found out some shocking news about food today, will need to confirm what I have read.

In the meantime, since I cannot give you the distance, I will shoot for accuracy.

Eat More Nuts.

Especially Walnuts and Almonds.

They’re like megafood, with regard to what they get done inside you just by eating a handful or two.

Walnuts have craptons of protein, fiber, folate, vitamin E, a bunch of stuff that would mean little to you or me, but had to do with fixing guts, and ellagic acid (stops cancer cells).

Walnuts have kick ass levels of omega-3 fats, which are ninja in helping blood pressure, thinning of the blood, they help with insulin sensing, improve blood vessel flexibility and elasticity.

Almonds make your fat ass feel full. It’s true! I read some crap online that eating almonds WITH wonder bread or mashed potatoes will lower your sugar spike. I may try that one day when I am floating a 70, just to see if it’s true.

Eating almonds also kicks your cholesterol in the squawk, which is great by me!

So, when I get hungry, I cram nuts deep in my mouth. It’s the right thing to do, and the right way to…

Oh?

No Wilfred Brimley quotes?

Sorry about that.

Gotta get some Zs. Good night. I watched Paranormal Activity (the first one, the cheap one) last night. Been scared all day. I hate that feeling. I really hope I get some rest now.

Wedding/Anni
2012 Sucks
MST3K
Apple is Not Perfect
ForeSkwar
J’s Tweet Bit
Who Would You Take Out?
Newsbomb!
Italiano
British “Food”
Mickey’s Hats
Cap Fail
Let’s Do the Time Warp Again

www.newhopeforkids.org
Geoff Goes Palanquin
Win ELROSS’ Pot
Man vs Food
B4D w/ G vs B.A.M.!
Wii Unplayed
SomaCow Sign Protection Racket
Walmart Scam
UAE & God vs Vuvuzela
Choco Booze
Geoff vs Valet
Death by Pron

Too Much Food on SomaCow
Geoff’s Diet
Tree Rape
SNORARRRK
Life Coaching BONANZA!!!
Geoff Is All Hecked Up
Fixing Geoff

In this Thanksgiving Eve episode, the guys talked about food… lots of it… and:

Thanksgiving traditions and celebrations
Perfect Forkful
T-Day Recipes
Tattoos Suck
Chris P call again Waddup with Clouds?
Kielbasa
Stuff that Bird
Non Traditional T-Day
Krystal Stuffing
Monavie Taste Test

You all have a safe and happy holiday! Share your stories and recipes here with us or at the forum!

In this episode, the motley crew talked about:

Medical marijuana and the recent legislation

Prohibition

How did Florida end up the way it did?

What should Obama be focusing on?

How do you get your high?

Black Friday

Thanksgiving traditions

Sports and their long seasons

The UFL and their 4 teams

Food that makes you skinny

In this hour, the crew went over:

Fair Crafts Sucking
Fair Food Rocking
Homeless at the Fair
peakarts.com
SomaCow Booth at the Fair
Studio Invites
Hockey Flu Shots
Health Care Bill
IWearYourShirt.com
Mickey wants an agent
Atlanta sucks
Pittsburgh sucks
Detroit sucks
Secret Treaty

In this, their finest hour, the guys talked about food, the internet, and TV… It’s much more than it sounds, trust me.

It’s that time of year again, kids go back to school, seasonal places start shutting down, and Geoff goes out of town a lot.

It’s usually good work, him being out of town. It just is hard being in a new place. At first glance, it looks like your choices for food are Taco Bell, Some Fancy Shmancy joint, and another Taco Bell. Even with the apps used between the two iPhones on the trip, it’s not always easy to find a good place to eat.

But leave it to Geoff to be resourceful and find some damn good food when he was out of town! If you don’t already, follow his twitter so you can make sure and not miss out on the many pics from his trips. This time he found a seafood looking sailboat and wood plank filled diner that served an awesome looking breakfast. And for dinner, he found a Cuban place that sold Ox Tail! He got it, of course. I was instantly curious, morbidly so, but could not find a local place that serves this. Gotta get his resources!

So has your mom joined facebook? Mine has. So far it’s been ok but I don’t think about her being on there and who knows what I might say one day. She found out Rowan took her first steps on FB, oops. Then again, I don’t have to email her pics separately anymore at least.

And finally, a sad farewell to a beloved show, Reading Rainbow. They have not kept the contract for the upcoming year. I did find out, though, that we have 2 PBS stations while looking for Reading Rainbow here.

But the real issue for me was when I saw them say that the focus is no longer on getting kids to enjoy to read but just how to read. Why can’t we do both? Seriously, all great to know how to read but if you don’t love it you’ll never use it! Whereas if you LOVE to read, you’ll figure out how sooner or later! And maybe it is time for a new show but to hear that the “focus” for children’s TV has switched? Not enlarged, not encompassed, but switched? I mean we have 80 bajillion channels, hell I have 2 PBS stations not including the Noggins or whatever they are! I think there’s room for both in our lives.

So, it’s time. We’re taking the show towards profit. Sponsorships, all that jazz. We were looking at building a new studio, and turning the show into a real fun money maker. You seem to enjoy the show, we enjoy doing it, and Mickey and I would like to put in place the things that will allow us to do this into perpetuity. So, I will include you, as loyal members of The Heard, who would you tolerate ads from? And what KINDS of ads?

We are certainly foodcentric, and it immediately leaps to mind that we should have a food advertiser… and then the show just falls apart. For like, the whole episode, it’s just food, food, food, and McLimerick shakes, and McRibs, and on and on… Holy crap, we eat.

Once we come back from break, Mickey brings up skullcandy, which opens the door to podcast/listener related stuff. Hell, I would love to advertise for the company that makes our board.

It comes down to a discussion of what would you endorse, what would you attach your name to? What would you be willing to “sell out” for?

For me? It usually comes down to a baconator.

We also nail out some listener mail, including one of my absolute favorites, ever. It’s just straight up nutters!

More listener mail from SeaDad,

who apparently went out training with .5o caliber guns and having a great time.

Finally, Glenn Webber went nutsandbolts insane and loaded up a whole wikipedia entry for our dear friend and resident Author Randolph LaLonde. We hope to see this expand with all kinds of info about Randy and his books, and welcome those of you that want to be productive to add positive and useful info about Randy. Get on it! Thanks again so much to Glenn Webber, who assuredly helps us each and every week to put out a better product in an easy to consume manner. That’s listener interaction with class, and we really appreciate it.

Mickey takes us out with some Life Coaching, and it was good. Then he goes on and on and on about a monkey, which was bad, but then he has some good thoughts on google homework, which is good, and under it all, the steady drone of J’s nose and the barking laughter of Ross plays well. You should listen. Hell, we do.

In this, their finest hour, the guys talked about mash-ups, kids’ books, and food (surprise surprise!)

So Geoff doesn’t like mash-ups. I have to agree with him, kind of. I guess I semi-agree with him? I remember some of the first mash-ups I saw and they were good, innovative, neat even! But since then the crap has been flying and Geoff will have nothing to do with it!

What is it with creativity? Has it really all been done? I’d love to speak to someone living about 200 years ago to see if they thought the same thing. We talked about this on ComaSow’s inaguralish new redesigning episode which you can listen to here. We need new stuff people! And I don’t mean like we get a Pulp Fiction and then 80 movies after that where the timing of the movie is all jumbled up. There has to be something!

Geoff and I made a resolution to read a book to Rowan every night. We have done a good job with many thanks to my family for about 50 books they gave her for Christmas. One that I loved, and was the subject of Geoff’s Weekly Constitutional, was Click, Clack, Moo, an early indoctrination into the world of unions via cows. What could be better?

And what 3rd hour would be complete without food talk? Even though the show is now live 7-10 PM it doesn’t mean that 3 hours of the best internet radio talk show, ever doesn’t make a man hungry! We found a great site for reviews and ratings of local restaurants. It had very few missing and we joined up to start reviewing where we eat. Hey, at least we feel that our eating out is making a difference! So check out Urban Spoon, and make your voice heard! We know you all have great palates.

And guess what? Our own Gary from Just Push Play is on TV! The schedule is changing this week but check in Monday to JPP live from 8 to 10 (if the crew has gotten rid of their sicknesses) to get the most up-to-date info.

(There will be a picture later.  I am having network issues at the facility and if it wasn’t for that horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.)

—Okay… fixed the network, fixed the A/C, fixed the other issues… so here is the Album cover for Episode 241:

In case you are wondering, that is a plate of Bacon.  Juicy, crispy (not Chris-P), tender, delicious, tough, hot, juicy, meaty, crunchy… just like grandma… except the delicious part.  And the juicy part.  And the other juicy part.

The chick and I moved across town this week.  Again.  Since we have been dating, this marks the seventh move (together or separate) that  we have done.

“Pourquoi?” you may ask.  I’d probably respond with something that seemed funny at the time, but in retrospect I shouldn’t have said it… like… “Ain’t gots no quois, but I can pour you a tequila… kyooo kyooo”.  Then I’d feel dumb and awkward because you didn’t catch the joke, and the joke wasn’t worth the time to eplain it or repeat it.

Then you’d as, “No, but why have you moved so much.   Seems excessive and wasteful.”

Ok… here’s a run down.

1) Breakup with live in ex
2) Apartments went condo
3) Chef Scott secured a sweet pad downtown.
4) Stepping up to cohabitation (aka living in sin)
5) Chef Scott secured a sweet house with a pool
6) Chef Scott moves out.
7) 20 hours a week, and countless gallons of gas wasted traveling to work.

So, we moved.  We called Apartment Movers.  Actually we called (The Chick) almost every moving company in the book.  There are 2 ways to move.  Hourly rate or Point System.  Hourly Rate is where they show up and the clock starts.  The clock ends when the last dollies are on the truck and the truck door is closed.  They also add on some travel time.

The point system is where one box (regardless of size) is one point.  One point costs about 4 bucks.  Ten boxes, forty bucks.  Couches are about five points.  Pianos are ten.  The Chick estimated that she had about 120 points worth of stuff to move.

The movers were late.  They were pissy, and they didn’t want to move our shit.  On top of that, The Chick had a slight underestimation.  We actually have about 2,987 points worth of stuff to move.  My office came it at about 7 points.  The rest of the stuff is hers.  (She will not survive the apacalypse too well.)

The lady that took the estimate wasn’t that bright.  On top of everything else, she told us (The Chick) that it was cash only. Any business that is “Cash Only” is a sleazy, “something ain’t right” style endeavor.

When the head pissy mover started huffing and bitching about the overage, we (The Chick) told him to keep going.  And then The Chick bolted because the cable guy was coming to the new place.

Did I mention the movers were late.  Like, an hour and a half late.  They gave a window of 2pm to 4pm, and they showed up at a quarter to six.  That will fuck up your day.  That is an entire down and back, pack and unpack trip.

Eventually we ran out of dollar bills, and the movers stopped loading boxes.  Boxen?  Boxii?  Sheep?  THey headed over and bitched the whole time.  Not outright angry redneck girl bitching.  It was more like the pissed off waitress who still wants a good tip style of bitchiness.  You could actually hear the guy biting his lip.

The Chick owns some heavy shit.  She has 14 crates of books.  That was after the big cut back/book burning barbecue we had this year to trim back her collection.  She has a solid gold couch.  Everything she owns is lead lined… or seems to be.

Long story short cause I need to run… Apartment Movers suck.  Jen and Geoff are wonderful friends.  We need to unpack.

And we talked about Bacon in this episode.  A Lot.

Added bonus:  LINKS.  Not Sausage links, just internet links.

• I Hate Moving
• Nightmares in Moving
• I Love Bacon!
• Bacon + Mayonnaise = Baconnaise (And Heart Disease!)
• Making Bacon Brownies
• I Heart Bacon T-Shirt from No Star Clothing
• “We’re bacon people.” “Does Obama eat bacon?” “He will eat the bacon.”

In this hour, we discussed Mickey’s new developed fondness for Shooting, the happiness unearmarked Ribs can bring to one’s life, and what we all do to survive in the post-apocalyptic world, now that the S*&# is headed right straight at the fan.

Do the Diet Dew

Mickey will most assuredly immediately head to the airfields, securing a plane exactly capable of lifting his massive stocks of Diet Mountain Dew into the air. Irritated by his common man, his will be the easiest of adjustments, and he will often laugh as people ignore his sage words, only to be scooped up by highwaymen and sold into butt slavery. Strangely, even in the dark future, the first thing criminals do is touch the butt. Weird, isn’t it?

J will shutter his 327 bedroom-half bath manse, electing to ignore the comings and serious goings of modern day society. Hours into his ordeal, as his supply of delicious roasted beefs, succulent brats, and enormous larders of pork loin dwindle, he will be forced to eat Yip and Skim, his favorite and only dachshunds. Minutes later, his family will follow. Rumors will spread far and wide throughout the lands of Sand Fort of a remarkably affable cannibal, luring victims to his dinner table with the promise of perfectly chilled shiraz and a fine double barreled stogie.

I will be pissed. Jen will probably have to learn to till soil, fight mutants, create electricity, divine water, train delivery people, block radiation, emit sunlight, and a host of other tasks in an effort to keep me pleased. Perhaps the scarcity of food will give me pause, and I will not consume her food as well as my own. Stranger things have happened.

Ross will toke something, and call in to a radio show to describe the damage he’s seeing. He’ll probably end up winning a bomb shelter for calling.

We watched it all come apart to the following great bands:

• The Manifest Content – News at Noon
• The Fadeout – Greatest Time to Be

And make sure you check out Randy LaLonde’s excellent books at Spinward Fringe – We review the first in that series in this episode. What it lacks in length it makes up for in brilliant character development, wit and wry humor, and damned compelling moral consideration. Get it, slave!

Some Randomly Generated Links

• Nerdcore Rising Documentary Gets PAX Screening [Penny Arcade Expo 2008]
• DIY: Make Mountain Dew Glow in the Dark Like a Lightning Bug
• Bottle Art Won’t Make You Cooler. But If You’re Already on a Modding-Spree, It Can’t Hurt.
• Cock Fight from Skin Deep starring John Ritter

So in this episode Mickey talks about his experience eating at a gay bar. He went to Hamburger Mary’s, a new burger establishment/bar in Orlando and gave it rave reviews for scenery (and food)! He says he didn’t realize it was a gay establishment at first, but as a self-proclaimed cock tease I think he was just trying to save face. Geoff is hoping Karma bites Mickey in the ass one time when he goes into a gay bar cock-teasing with his handsome charm, wit, and good looks.

So after this, the guys go into a lengthy discussion on their various gay encounters throughout the years. OK, this part wasn’t so bad…interesting insight into the past lives of Geoff, Mickey, and J. Then they jumped into the smell of semen and how J’s doesn’t smell but Geoff swears there is a scent to it. The live chatroom loved getting into this discussion! So what’s the verdict? Does semen smell? Does the scent change? Discuss!

After about 30 minutes of gay bar/semen talk, the old SomaCow came back around and focused on the real issue of hour 3… FOOD!

Is there such a thing as too many incredibly hot and wonderful fries? I think not! Who has the best fries out there?

And then, the topic shifts again…Geoff swears that if a drag queen is hot enough it doesn’t matter if they are a man. I mean there are some that are just incredibly beautiful!

J had had just enough of this talk so he had to finish the hour on a more masculine discussion. He has hooked Geoff on one of the more manly habits a man can have…putting a long thick thing in their mouth and sucking.

Thank you all for joining us in this hilarious and insightful hour! We also enjoyed the following music:

• Devin Lima – Crafty Bitch
• Baskervilles – Slip a LIttle and Boom!

And the show notes of the week from Ross:

“3:13 J ‘You sure have a nice boy (box?) for 15.’”

We would also like to add, if you have a SomaCow Sticker and have placed it in a really cool place, take a picture and send it in. This weeks SomaCow sticker comes from our listener Gryffyn who has recently become a pilot.

We do a show here. We love the show. Many times, the show is about us, or the news, or our families, or food. Mostly, the show is about food.

But, in this hour, it was a different feel, altogether. There was a sense of progress, and solution, and chope. Mickey has something to tell you. It gets going near the :40… If you are gonna listen to this show, this would be a good place to start.

I know it helped me.

We played the following great bands in this, our finest, hour.

Nerf Herders – The BackPack Song

Another Song! – A Band Ross Hates

If you would like to be a part of the solution, and make the world a better place, put this “sticker” on your website and link back to SomaCow.

If you personally own such a hat, throw it in a trash can with all speed. Seriously.

So, SomaCow invaded Disney’s Wide World of Schportzen to watch the Atlanta Braves take on the Cleveland Indians. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and Disney has a great ballfield out there in Kissimmee. I highly recommend it, but you will need to take certain steps to ensure you enjoy the day.

1. Bring water, so that you have something to drink on your way to the concession stand to buy beer. Remember that after a few beers, you will develop sun-skunk mouth, so make sure you bring a few extra bucks for a cool-refreshing soda. The soda will probably be too sweet, so you will want to get a pretzel to cut the sweetness, at which point, you will realize that you are pretty hungry, so you might as well get a hot dog. OooH! OR a burger! and nothing goes with a burger like fries, or better still, cheese fries! Those are pretty good, and you might as well grab some popcorn while you are waiting for all that food to cook, so go ahead, at least, unless you would rather have a lemon-icee… Woof… That was pretty sour, better nip up on some of that cotton candy to reset your tongue, although… cotton candy is kinda dry, so, yeah, make sure you bring some water. It is important to stay hydrated.

2. Get the Program if you have kids. It’s a good memento for them, and it will remind you of who the hell is playing. If you do not have kids, save your money for “water”.

3. Get a seat on the lawn. The lawn is where it is at. If you are in a seat, you can not see what is going on. Below is a picture of what I saw from a seat:

Whereas this is what I saw from the lawn:

Yeah.

4. Even in springtime, it can get downright scorching outside. Plan in advance, as the ladies above did, by wearing very little and keeping a cool breeze on your skin. Unless you are a guy. If you are a guy, use beer in copious quantities, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever remove your shirt. No one wants to see that, and people paid money to be here, for God’s sake.

(Pic Deleted Out of Taste and Dignity)

5. If you must remove your shirt, do not allow your reasonably hot girlfriend to apply sunscreen for you. The application of sunscreen is a one-way understanding. Male applies to Self, Male applies to Female, Ideally, Females apply to Female, and then tickle Female a lot. NO self-respecting guy should ever get himself into a situation where he is having gay love messages quasi-permanently emblazoned into his skin.

6. Be shade for someone. It’s the right thing to do.

We were joined again by the lovely ladies of Say… Anything, which is always nice. Thanks to everyone that has let us know how great they sounded. We will be sure to have J grow some boobs. We talked up the proper care of hotdogs, and the idea that all relationships are doomed.

They are, you know. Consider every relationship a game of Tetris. You work hard, trying to fit all their stupid shit into your brain, constantly praying that they will drop you some nookie, in the form of a four-in-a-row piece. On and on you plod, shoving their insecurities here, their inconsistencies there, and all of the sudden, you have holes all over the place, and the stupid b&$ch hasn’t given you head in four months, and her dumb friends are coming over again for the third time this week, and they’re all fat, and loud, and short, and they smell like cinnamon farts, and her cat shat all over your shoes again, which is fine, cause they are the stupid shoes she picked out for you to wear in the first place, and kinda made you look gay, but now you have nothing to wear when she drags you off to some retarded renaissance fair, where you will AGAIN get to hang out with her fat friends, except with stupid fancypants and bad food and mosquitoes and fat nerds from Omaha wearing poorly cut felt hats. Anyway… F%$k the Russians, F@&k that Bard, and F*#k Tetris!

We enjoyed the following quality music selections in this, our finest hour:

• They Might Be Giants – Why Does the Sun Shine?
• The Presidents of the United States of America – Rot in the Sun

Stay tuned at the :40 for some Life Coaching with Mickey (Who is NOT an asshole, and is actually quite pleasant)

And some cereal talk. I don’t know why, it just happened.

Okay. Shocker episode this time around, because we talked about food, and drinking, and rude. We were champing at the bit to get down to Texas de Brazil, and so we raced around. In a valiant effort to get the goddamned subject off of eating for once, we discussed the finer points of shaving. I seriously need to, and ingrown hairs are just plain nasty. What a horrific flaw in the design of man that is, and proof positive that shaving is an unnatural and weird act.

I find it humorous that people consider shaving to be a sign of culture and etiquette, considering the irrational ideas behind such behavior. You pluck hair from a horse, and make lather from alkaline death, and sharpen steel and place it by your jugular… How barbaric.

Look… I will shave. I really will. I just have to spread out the time between shaves, with the average being about two to three months. We discuss in this episode what happens if you do more.

We also talked about drunken behavior, and cell phone behavior, and why it is incredibly difficult to not walk over to the counter at seven eleven and pick up the happy yellow coffeepot and smash it over the guy next to you in line’s head repeatedly, until he collapses into a heap of bloodied skin, broken bone, and smashed bluetooth. I’m not violent, but I am willing to learn, you know?

Weekly Constitutional focused on Henry Rollins’ The First Five, a collection of his earlier narratives and verse from the 80s. Gripping stuff, and I highly recommend it if you are intelligent and somewhat mad. Then again, you listen to this show, so you are obviously intelligent, and quite mad. Buy the book, support the show, free your mind, eat at Joe’s, and all that razzamatazz.

This hour also features the oddest, and most frightening thing I have ever been asked by a listener. I don’t even want to go into it. It’s just… odd. I want to believe the person asking was a woman, and joking, but I am pretty sure that neither was the case. Just go listen. The Horror.

You know what would be good to listen to on a Free iTouch, courtesy of SomaCow? The following great artists, THAT’s what. Chicken Butt.

• Straight Outta Junior High – Meatheads, Douchebags, and Me
• Dirty Wormz – Top of the Food Chain

Oh, and apologies to Mickey for the Dane Cook reference. I just can’t control myself. My. SELF.

Now I know what you are saying…what’s new? Well this one is about the best meal all year, Thanksgiving! Of course the guys put their own spin on it. We’ve all heard of baked turkey, smoked turkey, even fried turkey but there are so many other ways!

Most well read people (i.e. not J) have heard of Turducken but how about bacon wrapped turkey? Seriously! Yum…

Do you all cook your turkey in some different way? What’s the oddest thing on your Thanksgiving menu?

We say a belated Happy Boxing day to our Canadian families to the north. Did you know what Boxing day was

What are your Thanksgiving tradition? Geoff is trying out a new tradition this year. Hey, anything is better than crying, right? J plays family games while drunk and sleepy from something (the something is still up for discussion)

So the guys would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to everyone, especially you all, The Heard, and also their rarely heralded producer and do so by having said producer do this fine blog. So the witty blogs will return but there was no need in this blog as the main point of it all is to say THANK YOU HEARD OF SOMACOW!

• Bayside – Thankfully
• Brother Love – Summertime
• Die So Fluid – Suck Me Dry
• Richard Cheese -WKRP Theme Song