SomaCow

This is a blog about a fat guy who got hip checked when reality handed him Diabetes and asked, “Do You Want To Die?”

Today is Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve, and my samhnag was carved up and ready to go by 12:00 noon today.

I was standing outside, reflecting on what life had become over the last month, while I waited for trick or treaters to come to my house. I watched kids chasing through the shadows, eager to fill their sacks and buckets with as much sucrose as they could lay hands on.

So many of them were fat, pudgy, short of breath, asthmatic, possibly? There’s their dad, smoking like a chimney, his tummy paunched forward, maybe just a gut, maybe cirrhosis.

There’s their mom, walking in that vaguely penguin way women must when their thighs have grown so flabby the skin rubs raw with each heavy, flip-flop mauling step.

As I asked on the show this week, “Why do I need to watch horror movies anymore?”

What emotion  can I muster from watching Pinhead flay the flesh from some chump’s bones, when I know a few high glucose numbers, or low numbers, could see me in a coma, never to wake again?

What terror could possess me about hell, the devil, or demons, when I know I have probably given my own child a loosely wrapped gift, which she may inadvertently open one day and discover this idiot disease waiting inside?

My dreams are no longer haunted by a Freddy Krueger, they are filled with visions of needles and foot amputation and ever-blander diets and waking up one day to find the meds just do not work anymore, or heart disease has finally come home to stay, or my eyes are no longer working.

If the body is a house, this disease is mold. It gets in the eaves, the spaces between the walls, underneath the floorboards, and it festers. It grinds away at the good parts, and corrupts what it touches.

I am thankful I can still see, I just wish the view was not this weirdness.

I know, it looks like I forgot to wash myself.

I didn’t. And those aren’t freckles.

It’s either little burst blood vessels from all of my exercising, or diabetic dermopathy, or some new horror. My next appointment isn’t until January 20 somethingth, and I think I might should schedule a look-see before then.

I’ll keep an eye on it. I really hope nothing is wrong. Otherwise, I had a great birthday, and Rowan had a great Halloween, and I am off to pay back some sleep debt!

Tags: ankles, brown, brownish, calf, dirty, dots, foot, leg, little, red, shin, small, specks, spots, tiny, weird

Originally going Canadian at http://somacow.com

America: Fuck Yeah!
Canada: Sorry Aboot That, Eh?
Foot Eatin’ Fish
Lady GaGa Hits 10 Mil
Mickey Hates Anime
Giant Army Men
Competitive Eating
Toaster Bath
Return of THE CAGE!
Tiny Cookies
Florida: Fuck Yeah!

Tags: america, anime, army men, canada, comedy, competitive eating, fish, florida, foot, fuck yeah, internet, lady gaga, orlando, Podcast, radio, somacow, talk, the cage, tiny cookies

SomaCow Media Network is proud to present Somacow, brought to you today by Semoran Skateway. If you’re ever in the Orlando area, it’s the only place left, really, for you to throw down and trip the lights on a fat four wheeled skate session.

In this hour, we talked about Mickey’s 35th birthday party, which The Chick That He Is Dating was kind enough to throw. It was… surreal, and J and I came to the terrifying realization that Mickey was born to skate. He just looks right, twirling around, gossamer threads of diet mountain dew sweat arcing from his magnificent suddenly seven foot tall hair. The dude needs to be retro-installed into every ABBA video.

We also discussed Bill Gates leaving office, as tipped by one of our chat room listeners. If you ever want to listen live, its pretty easy – just swing by the ustream and you can watch anonymously, or create a log-in and take part in our discussion. Just one of the many gifts that Bill Gates and his OS of shame have yet to take away from us. Maybe next build, yeah?

We rounded out the hour talking about pie. Specifically, $60.00 if you eat it, you get it for free pie. I have yet to hear from the guys this week, as I know they are cowardly and afraid of my skills in the fields on munch, I cannot say that I am surprised. But I promise you this – the competition will happen, there will be video, and I will not fail. What’s 29 inches, multiplied by 3.14? Lunch, that’s what.

Happy 4th of July to all our listeners. Try not to blow off any of your appendages, and send pictures of your firecracker boobs to Mickey@somacow.com. I will, apparently, be spending much of today getting to know our new toilet seat. I wish we had gone with the $700 dollar model.

And listen to these fine tunes with us:

• Richard Cheese – Welcome to the Jungle
• Richard Cheese – Hey Ya!
• Richard Cheese – Material Girl

Tags: 35th birthday, abba, appendages, Bill Gates, birthday party, cannot, cheese, Chick That, com, competition, Cooking, dating, diet, diet mountain dew, discussion, dollar, dude, firecracker, foot, free pie, gossamer, gossamer threads, hair, happy, happy 4th of july, history, Home, hour, July, kind, listeners, Lunch, Material Girl, media, mickey, mountain, munch, Network, orlando, orlando area, part, place, realization, richard cheese, Richard Cheese - Hey, Richard Cheese - Material, right, room, Semoran, session, shame, shopping, skate, skateway, somacow, spending, sweat, swing, today, toilet, toilet seat, trip, ustream, video, week, welcome to the jungle, yeah