SomaCow 324: The Champion [59:16m]:
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Originally posted at SomaCow.com
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In this, our finest hour, we discussed End Times, including a new and exciting way I had not heard posited before today. Our listeners know that we are not crazy bunker people, but as I sat down and had a cerveza with my stepfather, we got to discussing the importance of being “prepared”.
The question occurred to me – Just what the Hell are we preparing for? There are so many ways the collective Planet Poop can hit the Fan of Eternity. Ross’s wife seems content to purchase rice by the truckload and solemnly pray to the Lord. J has opted for a “Be so hedonistic and manly that he lapses into diabetrees” lifestyle. Mickey learned to fly plains, and next helicopters. I have been studying living off the land, and tilling a small volume of soil for the largest yield of crop.
Do you make preparations in some small way for the unnamable “End Times” our society seems convinced is on the way?
I suppose the smart thing to do would be “Identify the Means to Said End”. Below is a list of the top ten ways we are all gonna die. Plan well!
10. Nuke U – Since that ever-so exciting day when America Exerted Her Will on Nagasaki and Hiroshima, we have all known it would end in fission. Er… Fusion? One of those. Expect a big initial display of exciting fireworks, followed by a whole lotta cold, melty November rain. The lucky die, the survivors eat pain for the next 500 years, give or take.
9. Going Viral – Whether they be manmade, or nature’s brew, viruses are the perfect weapon. Our defenses can only hold out so long. With the recent “Hiney” Swine Flu pandemic, we have seen how ineffective and meaningless any procedurals really will be against a sudden outbreak. We’ll regret not being more forceful in our culling as the coughing and sneezing give way to intestine foaming and brain hemorrhaging. Bright side? Viruses need us. They’ll be sure to leave a few of us around to maintain.
8. The Lamb of GAWD – Jesus is pissed off. I don’t care what your silly red font tells you, Jesus is so freaking pissed, and he is going to fuck mankind up. The dude has more agony in store for us than a two-hour NewsBomb, and he cannot wait to unleash a bit of Vae Victus on our unrighteous asses. Expect scorpion-men to sting you with poison, forehead branding, public executions, and all kinds of stupid angels blaring horns and dropping shit into the ocean all day. +10 points to the first listener to nail “Mystery”.
7. Boom Shaka Laka – Earthquakes? Really? Into any list of ten, some zzz must fall. I mean, seriously… Who is scared of a little shivering of me timbers? The reality is that the shaking could start tonight, causing widespread panic as the pacific rim goes postal, San Francisco gets pounded, Japan goes nips up, and our whole way of life changes forever. Get Your Mohorovi?i? rising!
6. Blowing our Stack – Volcanoes are Earthquake’s fiery, way cooler siblings, volcanoes are actually God, and they are way angrier than Jesus. For too long we have been holding back the virgins, which volcanoes find delicious and nourishing. After a few hundred years of silence, they will rise once more, and pummel us with wicked lava, molten rock, and choking ash. If only I knew a virgin! Maybe the guys at Just Push Play can find me one.
5. Halley’s Bop – Man has long gazed deep into the heavens each night, searching the sky for the one rock that is surely on its way to ruin the party, destroying the punchbowl of Earth like some massive, critical velocity having icefireturd. Some people, like me, know that this will happen in October of 2028. Don’t believe me? That’s fine. They didn’t believe the boy who cried wolf, either. Because he was lying. But I am not lying. Seriously. Wolf. Help. Wolf.
4. Buzztime! – Look around you – Everything you see, delicious honey, flowers, dogfood, burlap, steel, moonbeams, and kelp are ALL made from bees. Except all the bees are dying. SomaCow Media broke the story a few years back, and still huge numbers of our Apiarian Friends are vanishing, dying, or generally taking way more PTO than they have been allotted. Long story short, no bees means no pollination, no pollination means no starfruit, no starfruit means Perez Hilton is livid, and a livid Perez Hilton may make us all off ourselves. Okay, I lied – It wasn’t short.
3. Goats – Seriously. Have you looked at a goat? Stay the hell away from them. They are evil. Creepy damned animal. Except the fainting ones.
2. David Blaine – I have long posited that he is a daeaemon, set upon the Earth and cursed to perform stupid card tricks for fat women with bad weaves, but the fact remains – he IS a Deaoioumon, and he can eat your soul. If he were to ever enjoy a three-way with Kristina Angel and David Copperfield, the world would dissolve in a lake of really con fire.
1. Solar Wind – I talk about it in this episode.
Holy crap, I just realized… I still need to cover Aliens, and Zombies, and Global Warming, and Water Shortages, and J’s Hydrogen Car issue, and…
There are never enough hours in my day. Have a great one, and we’ll see you for the live show Friday Night – Lamb Willing.
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