SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Shoot Straight Gun and Knife and Pawn and Tast-E-Freeze. They need your business, because these cannot come off a single bullet to test fire, nor repair a gun, apparently. I hate when small local business act all small and locally.

In this hour, we discussed Mickey’s new developed fondness for Shooting, the happiness unearmarked Ribs can bring to one’s life, and what we all do to survive in the post-apocalyptic world, now that the S*&# is headed right straight at the fan.

Mickey will most assuredly immediately head to the airfields, securing a plane exactly capable of lifting his massive stocks of Diet Mountain Dew into the air. Irritated by his common man, his will be the easiest of adjustments, and he will often laugh as people ignore his sage words, only to be scooped up by highwaymen and sold into butt slavery. Strangely, even in the dark future, the first thing criminals do is touch the butt. Weird, isn’t it?

J will shutter his 327 bedroom-half bath manse, electing to ignore the comings and serious goings of modern day society. Hours into his ordeal, as his supply of delicious roasted beefs, succulent brats, and enormous larders of pork loin dwindle, he will be forced to eat Yip and Skim, his favorite and only dachshunds. Minutes later, his family will follow. Rumors will spread far and wide throughout the lands of Sand Fort of a remarkably affable cannibal, luring victims to his dinner table with the promise of perfectly chilled shiraz and a fine double barreled stogie.

I will be pissed. Jen will probably have to learn to till soil, fight mutants, create electricity, divine water, train delivery people, block radiation, emit sunlight, and a host of other tasks in an effort to keep me pleased. Perhaps the scarcity of food will give me pause, and I will not consume her food as well as my own. Stranger things have happened.

Ross will toke something, and call in to a radio show to describe the damage he’s seeing. He’ll probably end up winning a bomb shelter for calling.

We watched it all come apart to the following great bands:

• The Manifest Content – News at Noon
• The Fadeout – Greatest Time to Be

And make sure you check out Randy LaLonde’s excellent books at Spinward Fringe – We review the first in that series in this episode. What it lacks in length it makes up for in brilliant character development, wit and wry humor, and damned compelling moral consideration. Get it, slave!

Some Randomly Generated Links

• Nerdcore Rising Documentary Gets PAX Screening [Penny Arcade Expo 2008]
• DIY: Make Mountain Dew Glow in the Dark Like a Lightning Bug
• Bottle Art Won’t Make You Cooler. But If You’re Already on a Modding-Spree, It Can’t Hurt.
• Cock Fight from Skin Deep starring John Ritter

Tags: apocalypse, comedy, diet mountain dew, fadeout, food, gun, internet, knife, manifest content, mickey, Mountain Dew, orlando, pawn, Podcast, radio, Recreation, ribs, shoot straight, Slavery, Soft drink, somacow, spinward fringe, talk

SomaCow Media Network is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you by Chef Scott. The man makes some incredible meat, and we thank him for his call in from the Gun and Knife and Nose Fireball Show.

In this hour, we discussed our various misspent youths (what is a yout?), the need to have bullets and things that shoot bullets, and a reader’s question for you, our audience.

What is it about the 8-bit and 16-bit era of games that continues to captivate my heart? Sure, J had his dusty textual affair games, wherein one might experience all the joy that heading “west” can afford, and yes, Mickey enjoyed much of the arcade era when a quarter bought you a game, and a kid from a trailer park could go on to protect the galaxy from marauders based on his ability to gyruss it up, but I am firmly entrenched in the virtual nes and the zsnes world. Hours of watching sprites race arond a simple background, doing NOTHING. I added up the time, and I could have written 37 novels, had sex with 4,123 women, or even done one situp, in all the time I wasted playing megaman alone.

I’d give all that time back, though, just to have my own pinball machine. I’d take one of the older ones, like Cyclone or Pinbot, but I’d love to have a Batman, or a Simpsons, or a Family Guy, or a Jurassic Park. Pinball was where it was AT. Healthy exercise, and the glass had perfect places to put your ashtray and beer… DAMN YOU MARCH OF PROGRESS! GIVE ME BACK PINBALL. It is sad to go around town looking for these machines. They are never kept up, the flippers often fail, and the bumpers have no chutzpah.

We got a chance to chat with Scott, who gave us a breakdown of the Cen Fla Gun and Knife Show. Always wanted to go, never had the time. Next year, we’ll take J and test the tasers. That’s so 2007, yeah? Fine. We’ll take J and kneecap him. Twice. Scott gives us the goods, and we all agree that the 2nd Amendment is pretty hot shit, you betcha.

I still really want to go shooting. Somebody start me!

So, interesting question, and maybe you will comment this entry with your responses. Or maybe you won’t you stingy bastard. Holding your comments back from me, making me beg. To HELL with your comment! I could care less what you think.

I didn’t mean it.

I’ve just been on edge.

It’s not you.

Well it is.

Sorta.

Anyway, what book summates your personality? Just one. Out with it, freak!

We jamonited to the following great bands:

• Likely Story – New You

• Powerman 5000 – Miss America

Tags: 16-bit, 8-bit, batnab, book, comedy, cyclone, family guy, gun, internet, knife, likely story, nes, novel, orlando, pinball, pinbot, Podcast, powerman 5000, radio, simpsons, talk, virtual, zsnes

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Uncle Jones Nothin’ Mo’ Betta BBQ. The entire staff of SomaCow (except Ross, who had a date with a cube steak and his bare hands) invaded this friendly little soul food kitchen and broke bread, then seat, then stomach together in honor of J.

There are no bones about it; we spend quite a bit of time discussing J in this hour, and then later we touch on J, followed by quite a lengthy dissertation by Mickey on the subject of J.

J likes riddles, and so, I will simply convert this episode’s blog to a series of three riddles. See if you are smart enough to come up with the answers. Try not to cheat, you silly little Googlizers!

1) – There are at least ten body parts that are spelled in three letters. Can you name them all?

2) – With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force it doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite. What am I?

3) – I’m a riddle in nine syllables,
An elephant, a ponderous house,
A melon strolling on two tendrils
O red fruit, Ivory, fine timber!
The loaf’s big with its yeasty rising
Money’s new minted in this fat purse.
I’m a means, a stage, a cow in calf.
I’ve eaten a bag of green apples
Boarded the train there’s no getting off.

So, yeah. Have fun with that!

We talked about J, sure, and then did a decent discussion on Mr. John McCain, who seems to need a rage doll. The man just gets into fits, and we are not so sure that is a bad thing. Better to be angry, but smart, than a complete boob. I am still pulling for Mr. Obama, as he is certainly capable of bringing eloquence back into vogue. Just look at that sentence! It REEKS of vocabulary!

Hillary? Bitch, please. I hate to relegate such a powerful woman null, but the reality is that her very actions have done that FOR her for the last twenty years. Forget all the republican spewed vitriol about “not pleasing her man” and “knowing her place”. I like a strong woman. I just feel that she is duplicitous and does not have the best interest of this nation in her “to do” list. The woman is avarice personified, and lacks genuine empathy. Or at least, that is what I know for a complete fact, having never met the woman, nor spent any real time in her company.

See, that is what I hate about the internet. Four billion yahoos yammering off their fool heads about subjects that they have no idea about. It’s sort of beautiful, isn’t it?

Okay, Heard – We haven’t really boiled it down, but – who do you want as President, and why? What is important to you now? The War? The Economy? The Food Prices? Black Preacher Etiquette? Sound off, and get into the discussion. I want to actually participate in this year’s election, instead of voting the way my wife’s dad tells me to. Let’s hear what you think, and maybe elect the better candidate.

Time Magazine turns 85, and I am lining up to be the first to pull the m’f'ing plug. DNR, all the way. What a travesty, that these people are paid any money to develop news content. I have spent time in waiting rooms, flipping through that particular week’s articles, and actually come away from Time Magazine DUMBER than I was about the subject when I sat down. Misinformation, second hand sourcing, and late-late-late breaking news. Time Magazine is news at the speed of fail.

In fact, we’d be alright with it if someone were to take Time, modern Pundits, and whoever beta tested Vista, and put them in a small room with no windows for a very long time.

Oh, and Ross was booted off the mic for the very first time! Tune in to hear why, as it will probably be an answer in whatever elaborate and unnecessarily complex trivia contest we next host.

You know who DOESN’T have suckers on their appendages? These fantastic bands!:

• All Time Low – This Is How We Do
• Toy Gun Cowboy – 99.9%

Tags: all, barbecue, bbq, birthday, body parts, comedy, cowboy, elross, gun, hillary, independant, independent, indie, internet, j, low, mccain, music, obama, orlando, Podcast, quiz, radio, riddle, ross, somacow, talk, time, time magazine, toy, uncle jones