SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 497: You Can Smoke There [1:10:35m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally flocked at SomaCow.com

Things Are Getting Better
Jesse James = Fail
Celebrity Welfare
Manny’s is ALMOST Lakeland
Hard Rockin’
J @ Disney
Giant “Turkey” Leg
When Geese Attack
Overtipping
Kids Today

 

 170: Here! Have a SAD [58:56m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc, is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by StumbleUpon.Com – Look. They serve up the hits, yo. They’re like internet web page DJs, laying down phat tracks and serving up deep cuts. Skillet.

In this hour, we discuss J’s Gambling Bonanza, Mickey’s Rapidly Approaching Mid-Life Crisis, and Biscuits and Gravy.

J took a trip to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino near sunny Orlampa, and he regaled us with tales aplenty of the wonder that can be found therein! Slots! For you to put coins in! No, seriously! See, to the casual observer, a slot machine is a simpleton’s game, where one simply hands money to the casino in return for a crappy stool, a watered down Pepsi with rum mist, and pretty lights and sounds! J, however, won DOZENS of dollars at the one armed hand of the bandits!

Mickey has hit the wall, as a man. Not content to have served in the armed forces, overcome the mysteries of nukuler power, have kids, quit smoking and drinking, and all the other crap he did last week, he has now set his sites on obtaining a motorcycle. In Florida. WTF? This state, wildfires and current drought notwithstanding, is the WORST place to have a motorcycle, other than maybe Seattle or Atlantis… I attempted to reason with him, and he seems hellbent for leather, so to speak.

We closed out the hour with a resounding breakfast topic, which holds a place near and dear to my heart, namely my left ventricle. God love the Biscuit. See it for what it is, light and fluffy golden baked deliciousness. Adding gravy is sort of like the gift of sight. Like, if I were given the choice, to help a blind man see again, or give him a bite of delicious biscuits and gravy, I would have to opt for the latter. It’s just that good.

Equally as good, our music this hour:

• Madina Lake – House of Cards
• Sullivan – Florida Queen

Just to show you what a gambling n00b I am: I didn’t even know about the Exploding Mosquito Bonus.

That’s right, this past weekend we gathered all the loose change out of our sofa and hit the long, thin parking lot that is Interstate 4, bound for the fabulous Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa.

If you’ve never been to a Hard Rock property before, it’s like going to a rock concert and somebody decides “Hey! We should build a hotel here and never stop partying!”. And then somebody else yells “Yeah! And we could get the Seminole Indian tribe to run it for us!”. And then everybody kind of mopes around because cheap cigarette prices are not enough incentive to hang out with Indians for any length of time.

But there is music everywhere! Even song lyrics posted around the hotel. Like, when you pull up out front, huge block letters proclaim “Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends… – Emerson, Lake & Palmer“. And over the the front lobby exit doors it says “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. – The Eagles“. And on the movie-ordering screen on the TV in the room it says “We’re sorry, but you have reached the daily limit for ordering porn. – The Management“.

One thing that was really cool, to me, was the display they had of actual costumes worn onstage by KISS. You cannot consider yourself a real “player” until you have come face to face with the stains on Gene Simmons’ codpiece.

We gambled until five o’clock in the morning, primarily playing the Tabasco videoslot machines. Imagine the electric excitement of putting money into a flashing, beeping, throbbing slot machine, pressing the “Bet Max” button, waiting five seconds, and then doing it all over again! I can finally understand how people get addicted to gambling.

Speaking of which, the casino very responsibly offers a “Self-exclusion program”. This allows people with gambling addiction issues to say “I am unable to control myself, please do not allow me to gamble at your facility”. Then, if you try to gamble there anyway, armed security guards gently and respectfully escort you away from the gaming tables and shove your face in Gene Simmons’ crotch. The program has a 100% success rate.

The hotel also houses “Floyd’s Nightclub”, one of the most popular hot-spots in all of southeast Tampa. You can tell how good a nightclub is by the number of women’s nipples you get to see during your visit. I stopped counting at twenty-three, although I assume there must have been a twenty-fourth nipple that I was too drunk to notice, otherwise somebody there was a freak of nature. Most of the girls at the club must have been professional gambling instructors, because they would leave with a guy, then come back about thirty minutes later with a whole bunch of the guys’ money, and the guys seemed very happy. I think it’s very decent of these ladies to try to help out such obvious beginners.

The dining was excellent, if a little pricey. Dinner for two at the seafood buffet was seventy bucks, plus gratuity, but that was still less than the cost of the King Size Snickers I got from the mini-bar fridge in our room.

Would I recommend the fabulous Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Tampa to you, dizzy reader?

Oh HELL yeah.

I think the “gambling lessons” alone would be worth it.