SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by BloodHoundGang.Com – They’re bonzer, and we’re thrilled to be able to bring you a taste of their music here on the ‘Cow -

So, in this hour, we recapped a bit of the election (we promise not to bore – lord knows there was enough coverage, discussion, and politicking already). We’re happy to be done with it, and moving on to our favorite topics, food, the bathroom, and chicks.

I would like to take one moment to laugh at women. HA!

You guys are just… well… girls. And dumb. And sad. Consider for a moment -
You got the right to vote LONG before black folks did.

You represent 50+ percent of the population, whereas blacks float in the low teen percents.

You have poon, and all the power it entails. You can enchant, ensnare, and entrap men simply by doing… well… by simply lying (laying?  Lie’in, lion) there.

I think the first women President is going to be an accidental president, and you guy (gals) even missed the boat on that one.  This was your last best chance to have a chick slide into the Oval Office, AND NOT BE ON HER KNEES.

You dames could have gone the Hillary route, but Hillary is more Janet Reno than Janet… … … uhm.  Are there any attractive Janets?  Well… yes … of course Janet Jackson, but I thought that would have been utterly confusing with Ms. Jackson being related to an half white pop star.

You now how four years to come to terms with the fact that you chicks hit your buzzer a little too soon, and then let the timer run out, and you have to accept the snarky belittling look from Mr. Trebeck.

I want you to sit there and think about what you did wrong.  Maybe next time you will stop being so catty, and be happy that another person without a swinging meat tube is succeeding in the world.  Maybe next time you will not withhold your vote because SHE has on the wrong shoes.  Maybe next time you will feel a bit of solidarity with HER despite her hair being in her eyes and annoying you.  Maybe the next time the guys allow a skirt to play in the big leagues, you will grab the opportunity and stop being so bitchy to your fellow woman.

Stuff to click on while you listen to the show:

• Janet Jackson’s Ticket Sales…Weren’t That Bad?
• Janet Jackson’s Boob Ruled Not Indecent
• Sarah Who?
• Hitch on Palin
• Obama And The Press
• Flat Screen TVs, Waterbeds … for Cows?
• The Long Republican War on Voting Rights

Tags: Animals, Barack Obama, Cows, Elections, hillary, Humor, Janet Jackson, Kids and Teens, Oval Office, politics, Pop music, President of the United States, Recreation, Suffrage, time, Time Waster, United States

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Uncle Jones Nothin’ Mo’ Betta BBQ. The entire staff of SomaCow (except Ross, who had a date with a cube steak and his bare hands) invaded this friendly little soul food kitchen and broke bread, then seat, then stomach together in honor of J.

There are no bones about it; we spend quite a bit of time discussing J in this hour, and then later we touch on J, followed by quite a lengthy dissertation by Mickey on the subject of J.

J likes riddles, and so, I will simply convert this episode’s blog to a series of three riddles. See if you are smart enough to come up with the answers. Try not to cheat, you silly little Googlizers!

1) – There are at least ten body parts that are spelled in three letters. Can you name them all?

2) – With pointed fangs it sits in wait, With piercing force it doles out fate, Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might, Eternally joining in a single bite. What am I?

3) – I’m a riddle in nine syllables,
An elephant, a ponderous house,
A melon strolling on two tendrils
O red fruit, Ivory, fine timber!
The loaf’s big with its yeasty rising
Money’s new minted in this fat purse.
I’m a means, a stage, a cow in calf.
I’ve eaten a bag of green apples
Boarded the train there’s no getting off.

So, yeah. Have fun with that!

We talked about J, sure, and then did a decent discussion on Mr. John McCain, who seems to need a rage doll. The man just gets into fits, and we are not so sure that is a bad thing. Better to be angry, but smart, than a complete boob. I am still pulling for Mr. Obama, as he is certainly capable of bringing eloquence back into vogue. Just look at that sentence! It REEKS of vocabulary!

Hillary? Bitch, please. I hate to relegate such a powerful woman null, but the reality is that her very actions have done that FOR her for the last twenty years. Forget all the republican spewed vitriol about “not pleasing her man” and “knowing her place”. I like a strong woman. I just feel that she is duplicitous and does not have the best interest of this nation in her “to do” list. The woman is avarice personified, and lacks genuine empathy. Or at least, that is what I know for a complete fact, having never met the woman, nor spent any real time in her company.

See, that is what I hate about the internet. Four billion yahoos yammering off their fool heads about subjects that they have no idea about. It’s sort of beautiful, isn’t it?

Okay, Heard – We haven’t really boiled it down, but – who do you want as President, and why? What is important to you now? The War? The Economy? The Food Prices? Black Preacher Etiquette? Sound off, and get into the discussion. I want to actually participate in this year’s election, instead of voting the way my wife’s dad tells me to. Let’s hear what you think, and maybe elect the better candidate.

Time Magazine turns 85, and I am lining up to be the first to pull the m’f'ing plug. DNR, all the way. What a travesty, that these people are paid any money to develop news content. I have spent time in waiting rooms, flipping through that particular week’s articles, and actually come away from Time Magazine DUMBER than I was about the subject when I sat down. Misinformation, second hand sourcing, and late-late-late breaking news. Time Magazine is news at the speed of fail.

In fact, we’d be alright with it if someone were to take Time, modern Pundits, and whoever beta tested Vista, and put them in a small room with no windows for a very long time.

Oh, and Ross was booted off the mic for the very first time! Tune in to hear why, as it will probably be an answer in whatever elaborate and unnecessarily complex trivia contest we next host.

You know who DOESN’T have suckers on their appendages? These fantastic bands!:

• All Time Low – This Is How We Do
• Toy Gun Cowboy – 99.9%

Tags: all, barbecue, bbq, birthday, body parts, comedy, cowboy, elross, gun, hillary, independant, independent, indie, internet, j, low, mccain, music, obama, orlando, Podcast, quiz, radio, riddle, ross, somacow, talk, time, time magazine, toy, uncle jones

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this, our finest hour by Mickey’s Life Coaching and Old People Computer Use Help Desk.

The ladies of Say Anything sit in with us for a final hour, which, again, is far prettier eye candy than what we are used to. We start out with something that aggravates us to no end, the end user that can’t use their computer to a meaningful end. That being said, I think I picked up a few thousand “applications” from my last bout of “browsing”. The only thing that is protecting me at this point is Vista’s hostility towards the operation of ANY program, much less scumware and spyware.

Mickey brings up a valid point that NO candidate can hide from the public lens, and will forever be hiding from their past. How prescient (that means “future done seen”, Apopka) of him, considering Hillary Clinton’s current efforts to align her memory with actual footage. I am still praying for a last minute third party swoop-in, saving us from four years of… THOSE people.

We have no time for politicking on SomaCow, it seems, and quickly get off topic into tongue piercing and oral. It’s the effect of the girls in the studio, I believe.

As an aside – Hiter was Swedish. Shocking, isn’t it?

Why is America so willing to “take back” Obama? I mean, I like the guy. I had NO problem with him and his racist friends, but I do not understand that whole battered wife/Stockholm “just say you are sorry and all will be fine again” mentality people seem to be approaching this with. Nothing is fine, and glossing this race issue over is just a guarantee that it will revisit with a vengeance in October. Oh well… The Democrats know how to lose an election, and it shows!

Again, why are we talking about Politics during a visit from the ladies?

I think it had a lot to do with THIS (read at your own leisure and peril)

After reading that article, I was in a tizzy. Our society: bankrupt. Our way of life: defeated. A giant fat wet fart and The American Way is On the Way Out. We have to take steps to avoid this calamity, in addition to all the other calamities we are currently facing (Disease, The Housing Market, and Starbucks Coffee).

I had high hopes for Starbucks, as I thought they had clearly identified their problem (bitter, bad coffee, dumb staff, unethical managers, and too many layabouts holding up The Line). So, today, I swung by a Starbucks adorning my local mall and went to get a Venti Caffe’ Americanoeoee. It was god-awful. Bitter and repugnant, I see no change in their corporate behavior evidenced, as “Morris”, the 17 year old cheese-face that poured my Joe, stared at me, thenm stared at the machine, then stared at me, then stared at the sink, then WALKED TO THE SINK AND POURED MORE TAP WATER INTO MY COFFEE. Mmm… Nothing makes coffee taste better than the microbial soup of a dirty sink tap.

Let me be clear, I have no problem drinking from “A” tap. I drink from mine at the house, public drinking fountains… Hell, I have sucked off a garden hose just to feel that cold, slightly dry iron-y mouth feeling. But this sink was a cesspool of spilled beverages, uncleaned canisters, and filthy steam rags. Screw you, Morris. I sentence you to another year of working in a Mall Starbucks under the not-so-watchful eye of Bernice.

Speaking of Starbucks, THIS JUST IN, one thing you can get that’s good at Starbucks? your barista’s kidney!

We continued our topic sprint in an effort to get the girls to chime in, and they finally came to as we did a bit of girl vs. guy trivia. Feel free to play along:

Thanks to Paul Redman for the idea. Next week, Dialing for Dollars, or something. Mickey hates trivia, which sucks, cause he is good at it. at the :40, for my Weekly Constitutional, I reviewed The Bible. It was a complete pantload, mostly about this guy with daddy issues… But – it gave me a GREAT idea for a story. More details later!

For now, simply bask in the glow of the following great bands:

• The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
• Notorious MSG – Warlord

Tags: anything, barista, clinton, coaching, comedy, constitutional, debe, disease, dollyrots, hilary, hillary, hitler, housing, independant, independent, internet, jen, kidney, ladies, life, market, msg, music, notorious, obama, orlando, Podcast, politics, radio, say, somacow, starbucks, swedish, talk, the bible, vista, weekly