SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by The Drew Show, The Redboy Podcast, The Sports Buzz, and Nobody Likes Onions.

Geoff doesn’t feel like writing the blog tonight and I don’t blame him. After all, after about 30 minutes of him being at work he got a frantic call from me, his lovely wife, that I had a family emergency. He got someone to drive him home (one-car family) and then proceeded to drive my rambling crazy ass to Clearwater.

He held my hand, sang They Might Be Giants and Bob Marley with me, and, best of all, he drove!

Then he sat with me and about 80 clergy friends of my family (they aren’t really that churchy but I guess pastors have nothing to do on a Tuesday morning but visit a hospital waiting room) and helped, got answers, got snacks, got drinks, kept us laughing….

So it was a long day for us all and we are going to get some rest so I can go back to visit family again tomorrow. Thank you all for keeping us in your thoughts, as of now everything looks good and I’m sure we’ll share more Live this Friday! See you then!

Tags: Arts, Bob Marley, Clearwater Florida, comedy, drew show, Drive-In Theaters, hospital, internet, live, movies, nlo, nobody likes onions, orlando, Podcast, radio, redboy, somacow, sports buzz, talk, Theaters, they might be giants, United States

I had the misfortune of having to spend some time in an Emergency Room waiting room recently, an event that ranks on the “J Scale of Fun Things to Do” right below “Do body-shots off of Hillary Clinton”, but right above “Listen to country music”.

Obviously, nobody wants to be there. Normally it means that a loved-one is suffering, and you sit surrounded by other people suffering. That’s why I always try to make the best of a bad situation and liven things up a bit. By following my tips below, you too can turn a dull, uncomfortable, interminable E.R. wait into a dull, uncomfortable, interminable E.R. wait where everybody stares at you like you just consummated your gay marriage on the gurney by the entrance.

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1. Meet the people around you

Strangers are just friends you haven’t annoyed yet. I like to go around to each adult and ask them if they have change for a hundred dollar bill. If someone does, I stare at them with squinty eyes for a few seconds too long, then say loudly “I THOUGHT you would!”, pretend to write down something on the back of my visitor pass, and leave without exchanging any money. This doesn’t happen very often, of course, because rich people don’t wait around emergency rooms. They merely purchase new limbs/organs and have them installed at the salon. The people whom you usually find in E.R. waiting rooms are more likely to be wearing ratty houseshoes and beads in their beards. Even the men.

2. Make friends with the security staff early

These guys can make or break your visit, so it’s important to establish a rapport with them as soon as you walk in. I usually pucker up when they take the picture for my visitor pass, so they know that I am a fun-loving jokester. These guys don’t carry weapons, but at the hospital I went to they each had a can of antiseptic hand-foam in their holsters, which they made everyone use before they could go back to the actual emergency rooms. If a crack-crazed addict were to run amok and attack us while we waited, at least we would all die with nasty-smelling, germ-free hands.

3. Helpliness is next to Godliness

Once you finally make it back to the room where your loved one is stretched naked on a table, except for their socks, with the curtains wide open, be sure to offer any assistance necessary to the E.R. doctors and nurses. I try to speak their language, to let them know that I am on their side, by saying things like “If it’s a subdural hemoglobin infarction, we’re gonna sue you for every penny you’ll ever make for letting him lie here naked, except for his socks, with the curtains wide open for 14 hours”. I also offer to hand them anything they need during their examinations, mostly because I like to check out all the cool hospital shit they have in those unlocked cabinets. Will an arm-sling help reduce my loved one’s blood loss? Probably not, but you can also wear it around your waist and put one leg behind you in the sling and pretend to be a one-legged pirate. I have forgotten for the moment how this was supposed to be helpful.

So, as you can see, the Emergency Room need not be a tedious, dreary place.

And, it’s very convenient, since you’ll need to be treated there yourself after the foam-squirting guards get through with you.

Tags: body shots, boobs, emergency room, foam, hillary clinton, hospital, teen

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Enfamil. If you want a baby with allergies, stomach cramps, constipation, ear infections, and a low IQ, you CANNOT go wrong with formula!

In this hour, we discussed Home Birth vs. Hospital Death, Public Breastfeeding, and just what do you do with all those leftovers?

When I first met my wife, I held a vague image of what a birth should be like. The mother would lie down in a sterile hospital, surrounded by competent medical staff, who would work to get a television on for her so she would not be bored while she sat through her experience. She’d rest, munching ice chips and bon bons, comfortably numb from the waist down, and waiting for gravity, or a pair of tongs, to gently wrest her baby from inside of her body. I, the beleaguered and smoking husband, would pace, at a bar, presumably, and wait for a shiny black rotary phone hung on the wall to ring. Upon the moment of birth, a nurse would call me, and I would hand out cigars and go to meet my son. Or daughter. Probably son, though.

Fast forward to today. After spending some time researching the topic, watching The Business of Being Born, and speaking to God knows how many angry women, I now realize that hospital birth is unnatural. Hospitals are a place for the dying. What good they did in cutting back the infant mortality rate is now being overshadowed by the rising tide of generally unwell people we are becoming. Diabetes, infections, weak immune systems and most of today’s illnesses and emotional disorders can be drawn back, convincingly, to improper treatment of the mother and the fetus during birth.

It’s entirely possible that the ass that just cut you off in traffic, flicking a cigarette butt at your windshield and chowing down on a bacon double cheeseburger was in fact NOT breastfed as a child. Or, J. Or Mickey, last year? Or even me. But I was breastfed… Most of the time.

We discussed public breastfeeding, which I am for, and dry-boob breastfeeding, which I am not for, and the oversexualization of a food source. I ask the men of our audience, have you ever wondered just WHY you like boobs so much? I always thought it was silly, but I learned through enough Married With Children episodes that it was my duty to care for the bags of milk glands, and so I did. I wouldn’t want to go back, but… To this day, when I see boobs, I am sort of unimpressed. Cursed, my existence.

We also chatted about Placentas. In my birthing class, I learned that some people sell Breast Milk and/or Placenta tissue on the internet. Is this true? This cannot be true. Somebody, get me a fact sheet, or a final sale Ebay auction, or something. Our teacher said that there was a doctor with some kind of cancer, and he was paying fat bank for mom moojuice on the internets. Urban legend? Let me know.

Mickey was out again, and so Ross filled in with us once more, giving some good fatherly advice beside J on the subject of Potty Training, Violence at Furniture, and even stepping up for a little Life Coaching at the :40! It’s truly a One to Grow On moment for everyone involved! Those of you bored from the boob talk can enjoy our suggestion for the newest RonCo Device.

We supped from the burgeoning teats of the following great boobs:

• The Meat Purveyors – 100 miles
• Birds & Batteries – Heart of Gold

Tags: baby formula, batteries, birds, bon bons, boobs, breast milk, breastfed, breastfeeding, breastmilk, business of being born, comedy, constipation, ear infections, ebay, formula, home birth, hospital, indie, internet, low IQ, meat purveyors, mortality, music, orlando, placenta, Podcast, potty training, public breastfeeding, radio, ronco, stomach cramps