SomaCow

 

 173: Hate the Pumper, Not the Pump [1:01:02m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Secret Terrorists. Learn the secrets of who killed Kennedy! Thrill to the truth about Bill Clinton! Amaze your friends as you blame every single problem ever met by the world on… The Jesuits? WTF are the Jesuits, mom?

We discussed what happens when you give kids the conch, the real reason gas prices are so damned high, and we lamented those hardest hit by the energy crisis.

It’s no secret that autistic children can be annoying! Their impromptu outbursts, stereotypy, and ritualistic behavior make them into excellent talk radio hosts, but terrible classmates. Enter Port St. Lucie, Florida (The Land That Decency Forgot), and their forward-thinking educators, who assemble a brilliant plan: Rather than wait for these kids to kill Piggy on the recess playground, why not schedule a time IN CLASS to berate an autistic child before banning his sorry ass from the room? Hahahah! Oh, kids, they say the darnedest things. Wendy Portillo, Hitler salutes you!

I get a lot of email from you folks, (well, that isn’t true. I get ten emails from you. One is usually asking me to have somebody tickle J, one is Chrispy, mocking me for not having the sense to eat something as good as what he has been eating for ten years now, six are requests from bands that we play their song on the show, and one is from my mom, who has yet to listen to a single episode, but wonders where the play button can be found) asking me about Gas Prices. We spend a good part of this hour explaining who is at fault with the energy crisis, and how you can help bring them down.

We rounded out the hour with a report on those hardest hit by these ever-increasing fuel prices and steadily-declining dollar value. Truckers? Arsonists? Race Car Enthusiasts? Nope, nope, and nope. But I sure would like to connect to her bp before I chevron her amoco and then exxon all over her mobil until my pump runs dry, ten-four.

Watch the scenery pass you by while you jam on the following great bands:

• Bedouin Soundclash – Until We Burn In The Sun
• 16Volt – Come For You

 

 168: Douche Ex Machina [59:00m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Society to Exterminate Muscovy Ducks. If it isn’t an organization yet, it needs to be.

In this, our finest hour, we began floating ideas for the FatManLympics, we helped a mother in need, and home defense.

For those of you living under the enormous rock that surely covers the 5.9 billion people that DON’T yet listen to SomaCow, we’re gearing up for the FatManLympics. We’ve set the event during the hottest months, where temperatures are set to skyrocket into the 100s. We’re selecting the stoutest of men, challenging them in their weakest and strongest areas of collective expertise. We’re looking into getting chocolate medals. It’s going to be huge, if nothing else. So, we need about 10 events. So far we have seen suggestions ranging from Truck Trailer Operation to Shoe Tying, and I am still accepting submissions, so, if you want to participate, or at the very least, suggest a competition, do hurry!

We sent Mother’s Day spinning in her wheelchair back to her cheap rest home with a call from listener Mama Juggs. It seems that she was trapped at home on Mother’s Day, slaving away on some project while her kids ignored her pleas for help. I hope it all turned out well, and thanks to Mama J for giving us a call. You, too, are welcome to join in each Sunday from 2-5pm Eastern, just give a call to 407-788-0479, and turn your internets down!

Not to be missed – We talked about what you do when you hear something go bump in the night. I am a firm believer in fat naked fighting, but when I gained weight, I found I suddenly wanted a robe to cover up, so the guy stealing my television wouldn’t have to look at my man boobs, I guess? I am still not sure why. What weapon do you keep for home defense? I was flirting with buying a gun, but the wife is so dead set against it, it would almost do LESS damage to my marriage if I simply let the home invader get all rapey.

Some great stuff in this hour, including sage wisdom from J and Elross, as Mickey again abandons us for what I hope will be the final hour. Don’t forget to check out my review of The Screwtape Letters, by C.Esh. Lewish. It’s damned fine (and short!) literature!

Oh, and as promised! This, This, and THIS are just a few links to some of the great Engrish out there. Enjoy!

You know who always spells their words carefully? THESE HOT BANDS FEATURED IN THIS HOUR OF THE ‘COW:

• April March – Sugar
• April March – Mon Petit Ami

 

 165: Dinner The Eater [1:03:05m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

SomaCow Media, Inc, is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by SomaCow on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, and Pageflakes. Get up on us, yo!

In this hour, we discussed Dinner AND a Show, the dispirited nature of cynicism (whatever), and we began our long, heralded path to the glory of the FatManLympics.

Ah, eating, and watching local actors ply their trade, forced into various stale settings, made to speak lines that shove the plot and the house red wine down the patrons’ throats, giving their very best in the sporadically dim spotlight, casting their various and sundry pearls before so much blue haired swine. These, these happy few… What the hell is wrong with me? Anyway, TCTMID had a birthday at Capone’s here in Orlando, and that got us to talking about the many different dinner theaters here in town. Do you have such places near you, and are they grand, or hideous? We’re considering a SomaCow Outing at Medieval Times, or somewhere else, per your suggestion. I really just want to see J get attacked by a falconer.

We also talked about the rise of the internet cynic, a common theme on this show. For too long people sit and stare at their screens, artfully selecting the perfect chemistry of typeface and lack of punctuation, delicately aiming their dart of derision into any form of creative creation. We’re sick of seeing it, from Youtube to Fansites and everywhere in between. If you cannot add to something, you should end your life. Or, at the very least, spend less time with things you hate. Or just come here. We’ll always have you, you cute li’l hater, you.

To tell you the truth, I forgot much of what else we discussed (I think I reviewed Duma Key by Stephen King, with Elross, but that might have just been an undigested-blot-of-mustard-inspired dream). What REALLy matters is the FatManLympics! We need events, we need sponsors, and we need black unitards (they’re slimming)! We’re nailing out the details even now, so if you have an event you would like to see J, myself, and whatever other fat men we can muster compete in, speak up, son. Sound off like you’ve got a pear.

I, personally, cannot wait for the Totino’s Party Pizza Snarf.

We munched on the following great bands in this hour:

• Gogol Bordello – Alcohol
• Go! Motion – A Broken Argument