SomaCow

Originally avoided the issue at SomaCow.com

In this hour, we discussed pictures of naked ladies, local politic nutbags, and, even though I tried to avoid it, the horrible story in Arizona.

Also would like to wish a Happy Birthday to listener FooFa, who tunes in damned near every week and always contributes on our forums at http://www.somacow.net – Hope you got laid, paid, or at the very least, a high top fade, yo.

As an aside, I just read a quote from Sarah Palin that states, “Never apologize for our country.” Apparently, she thinks the USA is guiltless, or at the very least, that her people have nothing to be ashamed of.

As part of my 104 part series, “Blame America, Eventually”, I would like to offer 5 instances that Americans should seriously apologize for:

1. Dropping those nukes on Korea and Viet Nam. We totally went there, and it was, like, insensitive. Granted, our nukes DID help cause the mutations that made Pokemon and Lo Mein possible, and the world will always thank us for stopping the spread of Islam in Viet Nam, but we really, like, totally overreacted. Our bad.

2. Killing all those Indians. And by Indians, I believe I mean woo woo. When Jesus Christ first came to America, there were anywhere from 6,000 to 7,000 Native Americans living here. They were very happy to exchange their land, freedoms, and women for delicious scripture (it is a known fact that Indians eat bibles, covered in curry. Look it up, dumbasses). Then, Jesus had to go, but before he left, he gave the Indians fire. They foolishly mixed this with water, which Jesus already had made into wine, and thus the Indians made corn whiskey (they call it maize). Since then, Indians have been on a real bender. I mean, full-on lampshade-wearing, hitting on the boss’s daughter, puking in the fax machine drizunk. America did make good on all the damage caused by firewater to Indians, by teaching them to build Casinos. So, while we did what was right, sorry about all that. Our bad.

3. Canada. You know when you are friends with a guy in elementary school, and then you get to middle school, and you still try to be friends, but now you notice your friend picks his nose, and has a lot of zits, and sometimes smells like pee, and it sorta makes you less cool when you hang out with him, but you know how important it is that he retain his sense of individuality, even though he looks like a Momma’s boy running around paying tribute to the Queen of England and insisting on trying to incorporate the metric system into conversations and mispronouncing words that end in “out”, and you really should just slap him upside the head and say “Cut that shit out, dude”, but you don’t, cause, like, why make a scene like we did with Korea Nam back in the day and piss off everyone, but then your friend grows up, and now he is a senior in high school and he still DOES all that stupid crap plus he puts maple syrup on ham and stuff and just acts weird and is never gonna get laid and now you really wish you hadn’t agreed to room with him in the first place but moving is such a pain and he always wants to trade stuff with you but all his money has beavers and weevils and webelos and shit on it, and it’s just…. Yeah… Sorry about them. Our bad.

4. The Middle East. The Sand People, also known as “Tuscan Raiders”, are painfully uncreative. It is a known fact that these people watch American movies to determine what they should act like. Turn on ANY 80s American movie, and the middle eastern characters are blowing up planes, bitching about their shitty little land parcels, eating hot spicy dirt, being mean to women, lusting after eyebrows, making a bunch of noise, driving cabs poorly, stinking, and attempting to develop nuclear technology in an effort to ensure that they remain globally relevant after the oil runs out (note: oil is not running out. See facts cited by Saint Bush, Saint Cheney, and Saint Nye via Epcot). Maybe if we had portrayed the Sand People as delightful and intelligent, sweet smelling and communicative people obsessed with cooking, art, and social work (i.e. “gays), we would not have all these problems now. Our bad.

5. Katherine Heigl. We’re sorry. We thought she was hot, and now she cannot be extricated from popular culture. Yeesh. Our bad.

Don’t forget to donate to the Cure for the Run! (and participate!)

Tags: canada, cure for the run, forum, indians, internet, jesus christ, katherine heigl, korea, lo mein, middle east, orlando, Podcast, pokemon, radio, sarah palin, somacow, viet nam, vietnam

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you by Jenga (you’ll see why).

In this episode, the guys talk about the apocalypse, the economy, and beer. God I love the range!

So leave it to SomaCow to bring up the doom and gloom again. Maybe they just want us all to really be prepared when the apocalypse comes but has anyone done anything and can you really be prepared? Geoff has a flamethrower, that’s good I guess.

The guys discuss the economic bailout and its failure. I have to ask here…how can something fail when it’s just been implemented? Don’t we need to see if it works first? Well, they all have their own ideas on how to fix the economy, from Mexicans buying homes to Indians building roads to legalization and taxing of certain forbiddens to chastity belts. Hey, you never know. Ross just thinks the government should hand out money to Americans.

From here the topic went straight to stoner chat, wonder why… ha! Just kidding Ross. It actually went there from the legalization topic but see how I juxtoposed that sentence there? Anyway.

Jen Cook, one of our favorite new listeners, held a “40 party” once where everyone had to bring a 40 and exchange it blindly and drink it? I’m going to have to hear more about this from her during the next episode’s live recording.

Mickey and J have a knock down drag out fight, well, a verbal discussion, on who is a better concert dad. I’d love to see the two of them fight it out over the better concert dad wouldn’t you? And have you been to a concert lately? Geoff and I went all the time until Rowan was born (even 8 months pregnant!). I was a total concert whore back in the day-even have a whole suitcase full of concert t-shirts I have no clue what to do with. But it’s so expensive lately! It’s driving people to listen to go to smaller shows like those of bands we play on ComaSow. Visit us there or live every Wednesday from 8 PM until ? depending on our mood. (Hey, I’m writing it, I get to spam).

Tags: 40, apocalypse, beer, chastity belts, comasow, comedy, concert, economy, indians, internet, jenga, marijuana, mexicans, orlando, Podcast, pot, radio, somacow, talk

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by the Desert Inn Motel, Bar and Cafe. A veritable oasis of trucker diner food, nestled snugly in the vas deferens of Dear Old Florida. I highly recommend a visit, if you are ever halfway to Miami and suddenly want pie.

In this hour, we discussed some select artists in the music industry, a fatty eatventure with me, and ANOTHER fatty eatventure with… me! Sometimes, I wonder if the name of this show shouldn’t be “Let’s All Listen to a Fat Guy Hurt His Belt.”

We opened up the hour discussing SynDown, a favorite side project of mine that I shelved due to lack of time and resources. Don’t cry for me, girl in a gasmask wearing dayglo fishnets, because I still enjoy what I do, and will probably pick the project back up once there is time. But in the meantime, I still listen to music, whenever I can. I try not to limit my horizons, and thankfully, working with SomaCow Media affords me an introduction to bands like SOJH, The Guggenheim Grotto, Dirty Wormz, and countless other great acts. We went into a lively discussion about indie artists that are doing it right, like Radiohead and… Dolly Parton? You betchore sweet ass, Dolly Parton!

Sadly, one of my favorite “indie” artists released a new… AHEM… Project, namely Trent Reznor and the digital downloadfest known as Ghosts. Look. I don’t want to get into an argument with you. I liked Trent since the second I heard two notes and a lyric from the man. I have followed him from PHM at the Edge, to Broken, to Downward Spiral, along Lost Highway, buried in the DVD for Natural Born Killers, around the back end of The Crow, all over The Fragile, left and right, and everywhere else the man has popped up. The sad fact is that Ghosts is a pantload. A dripping, steamy pantload. I wouldn’t play this music for a Haunted House queue. I have listened to it thrice, and it is a giant “better run to the bathroom or you are going to stain your shoes” PANTLOAD.

His last album was a pantload, too.

There is no connectivity, no FEATURE, of the album to attach to. It is like staring at a white canvas displayed at the MoMA, and wondering what you are missing. You are missing nothing, and should spend your hard earned money elsewhere. Cathartic though it may have been for Trent, I would humbly ask that he return my money, and take back his moody chamber (pot) music. Mickey says Dolly Parton is better than Trent, and I agree.

When I wasn’t snorking listlessly to Ghosts, I spent some time in Southern Florida this week, and visited yet again the hole known as Yeehaw Junction. Fascinating back story to this place, if you want to learn more, you can read the Wiki article. I merely would like to comment on the fact that, for a moment, you can almost experience what life was like in the’50s, except without all the segregated drinking fountains and people dying of lockjaw and stuff. You should go, and tell Senora behind the counterina El Geoffy de vaca del soma says “Ji”.

It warmed my heart to see good people getting by doing hard work, but I am no fool. The crush of the burger joints, the lack of civilization (fire up google earth and look around Yeehaw Junction sometime), and the fact that only one other dude and I were the patrons there “during lunch” leads me to believe that this place is probably hurting a bit, successwise. Sure, they are an official historic battlefield site, but so is J’s chair. Anyway, I am not sure what I am saying, other than the fact that everything changes, and that is good, sometimes, but more often, it is not.

We also spent some time discussing Rita’s, which really is damned good.

Thanks again to Chrispy for the heads up. Every time I feel the silent sharp stab of an icepick being forced into my brain, I think of you now!

Mickey also had some great service, as he became an 18th century fancy lad and went traipsing about to locate purveyors and proprietors worthy to fix him a cupper tea and repair his fancy watchy watch watch, wot, wot. We decided we will create a section of the site dedicated to businesses that give good service and actually WANT customers. Try and have that up by the next show, and first off we’ll have The Olde Cup and Saucer and Mickey’s Supposed Watch Shoppe!

(aka “Professional Jewelry Services
2484 W. Hwy 434 Suite 108
Longwood, FL
32779
407-788-7121

Ask for Armando… tell him SomaCow sent you.)

Also – don’t forget to check out “Cookin’ with Coolio“, if you want to kill some time. It ain’t Ken Burns, but it ain’t bad.

J’s Penis has a ring. Figure that one out.

4:30 – “I don’t like Indians.”

But what we do like are our bands:

• Stephen Lynch – Little Tiny Moustache
• Stephen Lynch – Vanilla Ice Cream
• Straight Outta Junior High – Boner

Tags: comedy, cookin with coolio, coolio, custard, dirty wormz, dolly parton, ghosts, guggenheim grotto, ice, independant, independent, indians, indie, internet, music, orlando, Podcast, radio, radiohead, rita's, sojh, somacow, stephen lynch, straight outta junior high, syndown, talk, the olde cup and saucer, trent reznor, vas deferens, yeehaw junction