SomaCow

SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Secret Terrorists. Learn the secrets of who killed Kennedy! Thrill to the truth about Bill Clinton! Amaze your friends as you blame every single problem ever met by the world on… The Jesuits? WTF are the Jesuits, mom?

We discussed what happens when you give kids the conch, the real reason gas prices are so damned high, and we lamented those hardest hit by the energy crisis.

It’s no secret that autistic children can be annoying! Their impromptu outbursts, stereotypy, and ritualistic behavior make them into excellent talk radio hosts, but terrible classmates. Enter Port St. Lucie, Florida (The Land That Decency Forgot), and their forward-thinking educators, who assemble a brilliant plan: Rather than wait for these kids to kill Piggy on the recess playground, why not schedule a time IN CLASS to berate an autistic child before banning his sorry ass from the room? Hahahah! Oh, kids, they say the darnedest things. Wendy Portillo, Hitler salutes you!

I get a lot of email from you folks, (well, that isn’t true. I get ten emails from you. One is usually asking me to have somebody tickle J, one is Chrispy, mocking me for not having the sense to eat something as good as what he has been eating for ten years now, six are requests from bands that we play their song on the show, and one is from my mom, who has yet to listen to a single episode, but wonders where the play button can be found) asking me about Gas Prices. We spend a good part of this hour explaining who is at fault with the energy crisis, and how you can help bring them down.

We rounded out the hour with a report on those hardest hit by these ever-increasing fuel prices and steadily-declining dollar value. Truckers? Arsonists? Race Car Enthusiasts? Nope, nope, and nope. But I sure would like to connect to her bp before I chevron her amoco and then exxon all over her mobil until my pump runs dry, ten-four.

Watch the scenery pass you by while you jam on the following great bands:

• Bedouin Soundclash – Until We Burn In The Sun
• 16Volt – Come For You

Tags: 16 volt, 16volt, autism, bedouin soundclash, comedy, gas, hitler, independant, independent, indie, internet, jesuits, music, orlando, Podcast, radio, secret terrorists, somacow, talk, teacher, wendy portillo

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Enfamil. If you want a baby with allergies, stomach cramps, constipation, ear infections, and a low IQ, you CANNOT go wrong with formula!

In this hour, we discussed Home Birth vs. Hospital Death, Public Breastfeeding, and just what do you do with all those leftovers?

When I first met my wife, I held a vague image of what a birth should be like. The mother would lie down in a sterile hospital, surrounded by competent medical staff, who would work to get a television on for her so she would not be bored while she sat through her experience. She’d rest, munching ice chips and bon bons, comfortably numb from the waist down, and waiting for gravity, or a pair of tongs, to gently wrest her baby from inside of her body. I, the beleaguered and smoking husband, would pace, at a bar, presumably, and wait for a shiny black rotary phone hung on the wall to ring. Upon the moment of birth, a nurse would call me, and I would hand out cigars and go to meet my son. Or daughter. Probably son, though.

Fast forward to today. After spending some time researching the topic, watching The Business of Being Born, and speaking to God knows how many angry women, I now realize that hospital birth is unnatural. Hospitals are a place for the dying. What good they did in cutting back the infant mortality rate is now being overshadowed by the rising tide of generally unwell people we are becoming. Diabetes, infections, weak immune systems and most of today’s illnesses and emotional disorders can be drawn back, convincingly, to improper treatment of the mother and the fetus during birth.

It’s entirely possible that the ass that just cut you off in traffic, flicking a cigarette butt at your windshield and chowing down on a bacon double cheeseburger was in fact NOT breastfed as a child. Or, J. Or Mickey, last year? Or even me. But I was breastfed… Most of the time.

We discussed public breastfeeding, which I am for, and dry-boob breastfeeding, which I am not for, and the oversexualization of a food source. I ask the men of our audience, have you ever wondered just WHY you like boobs so much? I always thought it was silly, but I learned through enough Married With Children episodes that it was my duty to care for the bags of milk glands, and so I did. I wouldn’t want to go back, but… To this day, when I see boobs, I am sort of unimpressed. Cursed, my existence.

We also chatted about Placentas. In my birthing class, I learned that some people sell Breast Milk and/or Placenta tissue on the internet. Is this true? This cannot be true. Somebody, get me a fact sheet, or a final sale Ebay auction, or something. Our teacher said that there was a doctor with some kind of cancer, and he was paying fat bank for mom moojuice on the internets. Urban legend? Let me know.

Mickey was out again, and so Ross filled in with us once more, giving some good fatherly advice beside J on the subject of Potty Training, Violence at Furniture, and even stepping up for a little Life Coaching at the :40! It’s truly a One to Grow On moment for everyone involved! Those of you bored from the boob talk can enjoy our suggestion for the newest RonCo Device.

We supped from the burgeoning teats of the following great boobs:

• The Meat Purveyors – 100 miles
• Birds & Batteries – Heart of Gold

Tags: baby formula, batteries, birds, bon bons, boobs, breast milk, breastfed, breastfeeding, breastmilk, business of being born, comedy, constipation, ear infections, ebay, formula, home birth, hospital, indie, internet, low IQ, meat purveyors, mortality, music, orlando, placenta, Podcast, potty training, public breastfeeding, radio, ronco, stomach cramps

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by the Desert Inn Motel, Bar and Cafe. A veritable oasis of trucker diner food, nestled snugly in the vas deferens of Dear Old Florida. I highly recommend a visit, if you are ever halfway to Miami and suddenly want pie.

In this hour, we discussed some select artists in the music industry, a fatty eatventure with me, and ANOTHER fatty eatventure with… me! Sometimes, I wonder if the name of this show shouldn’t be “Let’s All Listen to a Fat Guy Hurt His Belt.”

We opened up the hour discussing SynDown, a favorite side project of mine that I shelved due to lack of time and resources. Don’t cry for me, girl in a gasmask wearing dayglo fishnets, because I still enjoy what I do, and will probably pick the project back up once there is time. But in the meantime, I still listen to music, whenever I can. I try not to limit my horizons, and thankfully, working with SomaCow Media affords me an introduction to bands like SOJH, The Guggenheim Grotto, Dirty Wormz, and countless other great acts. We went into a lively discussion about indie artists that are doing it right, like Radiohead and… Dolly Parton? You betchore sweet ass, Dolly Parton!

Sadly, one of my favorite “indie” artists released a new… AHEM… Project, namely Trent Reznor and the digital downloadfest known as Ghosts. Look. I don’t want to get into an argument with you. I liked Trent since the second I heard two notes and a lyric from the man. I have followed him from PHM at the Edge, to Broken, to Downward Spiral, along Lost Highway, buried in the DVD for Natural Born Killers, around the back end of The Crow, all over The Fragile, left and right, and everywhere else the man has popped up. The sad fact is that Ghosts is a pantload. A dripping, steamy pantload. I wouldn’t play this music for a Haunted House queue. I have listened to it thrice, and it is a giant “better run to the bathroom or you are going to stain your shoes” PANTLOAD.

His last album was a pantload, too.

There is no connectivity, no FEATURE, of the album to attach to. It is like staring at a white canvas displayed at the MoMA, and wondering what you are missing. You are missing nothing, and should spend your hard earned money elsewhere. Cathartic though it may have been for Trent, I would humbly ask that he return my money, and take back his moody chamber (pot) music. Mickey says Dolly Parton is better than Trent, and I agree.

When I wasn’t snorking listlessly to Ghosts, I spent some time in Southern Florida this week, and visited yet again the hole known as Yeehaw Junction. Fascinating back story to this place, if you want to learn more, you can read the Wiki article. I merely would like to comment on the fact that, for a moment, you can almost experience what life was like in the’50s, except without all the segregated drinking fountains and people dying of lockjaw and stuff. You should go, and tell Senora behind the counterina El Geoffy de vaca del soma says “Ji”.

It warmed my heart to see good people getting by doing hard work, but I am no fool. The crush of the burger joints, the lack of civilization (fire up google earth and look around Yeehaw Junction sometime), and the fact that only one other dude and I were the patrons there “during lunch” leads me to believe that this place is probably hurting a bit, successwise. Sure, they are an official historic battlefield site, but so is J’s chair. Anyway, I am not sure what I am saying, other than the fact that everything changes, and that is good, sometimes, but more often, it is not.

We also spent some time discussing Rita’s, which really is damned good.

Thanks again to Chrispy for the heads up. Every time I feel the silent sharp stab of an icepick being forced into my brain, I think of you now!

Mickey also had some great service, as he became an 18th century fancy lad and went traipsing about to locate purveyors and proprietors worthy to fix him a cupper tea and repair his fancy watchy watch watch, wot, wot. We decided we will create a section of the site dedicated to businesses that give good service and actually WANT customers. Try and have that up by the next show, and first off we’ll have The Olde Cup and Saucer and Mickey’s Supposed Watch Shoppe!

(aka “Professional Jewelry Services
2484 W. Hwy 434 Suite 108
Longwood, FL
32779
407-788-7121

Ask for Armando… tell him SomaCow sent you.)

Also – don’t forget to check out “Cookin’ with Coolio“, if you want to kill some time. It ain’t Ken Burns, but it ain’t bad.

J’s Penis has a ring. Figure that one out.

4:30 – “I don’t like Indians.”

But what we do like are our bands:

• Stephen Lynch – Little Tiny Moustache
• Stephen Lynch – Vanilla Ice Cream
• Straight Outta Junior High – Boner

Tags: comedy, cookin with coolio, coolio, custard, dirty wormz, dolly parton, ghosts, guggenheim grotto, ice, independant, independent, indians, indie, internet, music, orlando, Podcast, radio, radiohead, rita's, sojh, somacow, stephen lynch, straight outta junior high, syndown, talk, the olde cup and saucer, trent reznor, vas deferens, yeehaw junction