SomaCow

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Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks.

So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards.

Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now.

And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs.

I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs.

Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype!

We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity.

Speaking of wtf-acity…

I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church?

Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out!

J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying.

We’re never taking down the following great bands:

• Richard Cheese – Girls, Girls, Girls
• The Vandals – Fucked Up Girl
• They Might Be Giants – The Mesopotamians

Tags: ads, arousal, aroused, be, bed, bill, billboard, blog, boobs, brass, capital, casino, cheese, clinton, clubs, comedy, dancer, disney, fleetwod, forida, gambling, gas, giants, governor, independant, independent, internet, link, lunar, mac, male, mickey mouse, might, murder, music, nipple, orlando, Podcast, pole, radio, religion, richard, room, somacow, strip, sun, talk, tax, text, the mouse, they, tmbg, vandals, wal-mart, wrestler, wtf, wwe, xander

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Lunar Room. Check out Xander and Lauren and all their guests each week on Saturdays at 5pm Eastern.

SomaCow had a run-in with the fine folks at Texas de Brazil tonight. Sometimes you eats the beefs:

And sometimes, the beefs eat you.

We are all going to die of full.

/from intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

So the guys talked about truckers. I do not understand why Geoff, Mickey, and J have such a respect for truckers. There truckers.

Then they talked about the Adirondack dog sled race. I don’t see what the issue is here. I mean, there just stupid dogs.

And they talked about beef. (It is singular. If you are going to be on the radio you should at lest learn good English.) They went out to eat and left me at the studio to write the blog. Real fun, considering I can’t read anything Jen wrote. You figured they would train me to take over when Jen has her baby, but aparently they went to dinner with a guy that is supposed to take over for her when she has her baby after she has her baby.

How unfair is that?

Seriously. I have worked my ass off.

Oh, and another thing. Bagging on teh French, how clishay. George W. Bush jokes are real cutting edge.

I will agree with Geoff, Mickey, and J, Penelope Cruise and Selma Heyick are hot.

/end intern who didn’t get to go to dinner/

Please, if you can read this, play the following great songs during our mass funeral:

• Me First and the Gimme Gimmes – Eastbound and Down
• Emery – The Movie Song
• Naome Bradshaw – Walking Wounded

This is Naome Bradshaw:

Tags: alternative, brazil, comedy, de, eat, emery, first, free, gimme, independant, independent, internet, itouch, lunar, me, meat, orlando, Podcast, portuguese, radio, room, somacow, texas

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by The Lunar Room, starting live shows this weekend. Check ‘em out, Saturday Nights at 5:00pm Eastern.

In this episode, we pay tribute to the rootinest, tootinest, should probably be retired already horror villain of them all, Messier Frederick Krueger. We run through the filmography, and discuss the need for a sequel, along with some other horror talk. J and Mickey are scared of high school girls that get their period. It’s understandable, but I am there to help them through it.

I have spent much of my week playing Contra 4, which has some great unlockable content. It’s been sort of like a trip down memory lane, slaying hundreds of thousands of sentient alien lifeforms in a grisly haze of laser beams, spreadshot, and fireballs. I miss the eighties. I miss an era when men were men, and chawed on the stub of a soggy cigar while shooting hot lead at the unknown until half the friggen jungle caved in around him. Stupid emo.

Here’s a nifty 8-bit emulation of Contra (The Original). It’s friggen sweet. Except I cannot make it shoot down-right.

J hates jean jackets, which is weird.

I may do more on the Necroscope series further on down the line. They really are the best books, if you like sprawling science fiction horror fantasy. But even if you HAVE seen a woman naked, they’d make a decent movie. Hell, they made a movie out of The Dark is Rising. They will film anything.

Don’t forget to check out Mickey’s life coaching at the :40!
Speaking of needing some advice, we discuss “the incident”. Tune in to find out why Producer-Jen is no longer welcome at any Elks Lodge within 300 miles.

And don’t forget these great songs!

• Hydrovibe – The Killer Inside
• The Dollyrots – Watch Me Go (Kissed Me, Killed Me)

Tags: 4, alternative, bowl, clinton, coaching, contra, dark, dollyrots, elm, freddy, hates, heart, hillary, huckabee, independant, independent, internet, jackets, jean, jen, krueger, life, lunar, mccain, mickey, necroscope, nightmare, obama, orlando, Podcast, primary, producer, purple, radio, rising, romney, room, street, super, tuesday, ustream, veterans