Posts Tagged “mac”Originally telling secrets at http://somacow.com Pedro Lima from The Channel Project, Fifth Base, Rooftop Comedy, etc SomaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Tuck’s Medicated Pads. Number one amongst the newly initiated, every pro-bono rape kit should have some! In this hour, we discussed a horrific story out of Middle American Extracurricular Sporting Entertainment, Discontinued products that MSN demands Americans demand back, and our own resident Life Coach gives Lindsay Lohan a much needed tongue lashing. Ew. Well, Hot, but, ew.
Hazing. What up with hazing, anyhow? Why is it necessary to take a good thing, be it a new job, a position landed on a team, selection for a special military unit, or just the simple admission to a new group of friends, and make it oh so very gay? Back in the day or as we learned a man was not considered to be fully grown if he had not gone beyond the hills, or sailed the Seven Seas (yeah, Seven Seas at least). Now the rites of such passage are robbed of our men-children, and they are left with these homo-erotic and entirely self-loathingly gay rituals. Poking in the rear, standing naked in a pyramid, streaking through male company, being slapped with a frat paddle (cast-iron or otherwise) are the nouveau feats of strength. Why not climbing a mountain, defeating a viper, swimming a raging river, biking 100 miles, bench pressing a Toyota Echo, eating an entire Famous Bowl, finishing an Anne Rice novel without skimming? These are all hardy tasks, and were a man capable of performing, hell, even attempting such in effort to gain my camaraderie, a friend for life would he find in me. Skippity gee. Girls beating girls to half-death with toasters, and boy poking each other with broomsticks? Who or what is to blame? We get right the hell off this %$&*ed up topic and sally into some products I saw on the MSN website, begging to be reintroduced to the general public. We go over all ten, and while I lolled waiting for this episode to be released, I thought of a few more things I really miss that are gone now. 1. Die Cast Transformers – Am I imagining this, or were Transformers action figures once 4 .lbs? These new flimsy ones reek of insincerityrity and weak forging. How can you know if a toy will stand the test of time if you cannot even chip your brother’s cranium lobbing it from six paces? 2. The Chevy Sprint – 3 cylinders of maximum performance, piercing the night. The whole point of a shitty throwaway car is that you get to treat it like a shitty, throwawar car. Now that every car on the market costs 15,000 base price, how can I feel comfortable playing portopotty jouster and powerbrakeman 5000, knowing how deep into debt I am sinking myself? A note to all auto manufacturers – They are CARS, not P^%$Y! Stop trying to price them as such. 3. Super Soakers that would put your freaking eye out. Gone are the Powerblasters of yesteryear, their limitless pumping capable of delivering 1 cubic foot of water directly into a 1sq cm space on your brother’s throat. Now the guns are safer, squelchier, weaker, and splattier. Who decided this needed occurring? Thank god for pressure washers, or else our upcoming generation would never know the thrill of water in the bone! 4. Stable operating systems – We really are not willing to spend any more time whining about Vista, but even while test driving a Mac I noticed a sad new reality – Robustness has been replaced by random functionality. I should be able to slightly lazily plop at the keys and not accidentally strike the magic key combination to “close this window without saving, or even warning”. Why is that even an option, especially on a laptop, where hands must drag and wrists must work overtime to keep balance? Why is it if I lazily drag two files at once, Vista must fire up the whirling circle of S%&t, and force me to sit for two hours while it tries to figure out if I wanted to copy paste a shortcut of internet explorer to my blog (apparently, a commonly performed task at Microsoft Corp.?) or if I just had fat hand. Just work. If I click “shut down”, shut the hell down. If I click “stop trying to do whatever asinine task you think you need to do right now, and answer me so I know if you are okay, or if you are just being ridiculous and spooling unneeded data into a swap file on your temperory drive so that you may copy and delete it 6000 times”, then STOP. Same goes with Wordpress. When I first downloaded this once functional, bad ass software, I could type words in a box, hit post, and have a damned fine show blog. Now, I sometimes think I am summoning Cthulu with the amount of time, technique, fireworks, tentacles, and blood that must be shed to get out a pressing.
SomaCow Media, Inc. in proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Text-Link Ads… If you have a blog worth a damn, you should be using them. Ah, Florida – In this hour, we discuss what is wrong with our home state skillet, and why the rest of you people no longer want to grace her shelly beaches with your overwhite fat flesh. It looks like the streams of “New Family” arrivals into our fair state have dwindled to lows not seen since the great Sadness of ‘77 (see also, Dumb Gov., Gas Shortages, and Stupid Hair). Whereas we had once been content to sit back and wait for the multitudes to settle down in our suburbs, lapping up the over-chlorinated groundwater, settling into their stucco empires and demanding the immediate erection of god knows how many Wal-Marts, Walgreens, and Walled Communities, it is now apparent that we can no longer count on John and Jane Q. Pennsylvania to swell our ranks. So, what is a suddenly single stategal like Florida to do to make ends meet? We used to simply pay tribute to The Mouse, as The Mouse would attract dollars to its various theme parks and overpriced resorts, allowing us the occasional mealy morsel in the form of a Bed Tax. With a tanking economy, the idea of waiting for millions of vacationers to show up with a fistful of financial stability doesn’t seem to be in the cards. Some people scream, “Let’s get some GAMBLIN’ already!” – I ask those people to look at New Jersey, or those god-awful southern states along The Hurricane Brim. Poor bastards live hand to mouth, and most people with sense can see that gambling makes Casinos and Land Developers rich, not citizens. Plus, they attract crime, and as we are rapidly advancing on the Murder Capital of the Country prize here in Orlando, I doubt we can afford to plug in a giant neon bandit brigade right now. And so, we at SomaCow have a simple solution – Boobs. I know, we ALWAYS say boobs, but, seriously, boobs. Open the finest strip clubs in the country. Kick out the sleaze, the ne’erdowells, the coke dealers and the just plain creepies. Build strip clubs on every corner, and stock them with clean kids with business degrees and fresh immigrant poon. STATE OPERATED STRIP CLUBS is what I am driving at. Every girl that does enough sit-ups to be able to hold her own weight up sideways on a brass pole gets a tax break. We have the sun for tanning, it’s certainly hot enough to make most girls want to get undressed, all we need is the legislation to allow a friendly neighborhood boobecue on every corner. Get rid of the stupid purple buildings, and the creepy smoked glass, and the lame ass gold chained fur chested fauxmafia types, and make a strip club into the kind of place a man would proudly bring his kids to live beside. I gotta get some more facts here, so consider this one in the works. Mickey announced his intention to open the first prototype! We’re still recovering as a city from Nipple-Shock. It seems that the WWE had to modify their promotional materials here in Orlando so that MALE wrestlers nips were not showing. When I first heard about it from Xander on The Lunar Room, I realized that I do not currently have a large enough font to display my wtf-acity. Speaking of wtf-acity…
I mean, why would anyone want this taken down? It’s the truth, right? Or is it? Should you raise your children with religion? religions? If you do will they turn out like J and sue the church? Mickey actually quotes Bill Clinton in his Life Coaching this week at the :40 so check it out! J doesn’t get aroused in strip clubs. I am just saying. We’re never taking down the following great bands:
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