SomaCow

omaCow Media is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this week by our myspace page! Never updated, and rarely checked, it’s the best way to get in touch with us this side of walking outside of your house and shouting, “SomaCow!”

Neighbors done looking at you yet? Good.

In this, our… um… Hour, we discussed a myriad of topics, both sophomoric and profound. We ran the gambit of gabbery on a gadabout glorious… We attacked the tough issues facing Amer….

Okay, it was straight fart talk for twenty minutes. But that is to be expected at this point. We all had a lotta ribs and beefs, and that makes for this type of discussion. Surely you can understand. We bravely attempted to pull the show out of its nosedive of frappery with a topic on steakhouses – specifically, is the steakhouse dying? Why are all the chains dropping in quality or shutting their doors? Look at the facts:

Outback – Sucked. No two bones about it, whatever they are doing today (dry bread, yellow salads, tough beefs, dumb staff) is a pale shell of what they once had going on

Longhorn – Salted beefs? My mamma always said, if you gotta put that much seasoning on, you are trying to hide something. What is the secret to your salty beefs, oh Horn of Assumed Length?

Roadhouse – Closed, assumed Orlando bankrupt. I will miss your yeasty bounty, and bloody medium rare beefs most of all, scarecrow

Steak and Ale – Someone finally put the fork in this cheesy seventies franchise. Gasp! Where will rude dumb teenagers hold their post-graduation dinners now?!

It doesn’t leave us with much, does it folks?

Houstons? Overpriced at best – Seriously – who is paying 12 dollars for a baked potato? It’s a TUBER, for Christ’s sake!

Fleming’s – I’ve never been, how is it?

Ruth’s Chris – a fascinating establishment, capable of delivering a steak that tastes like it sat in a bowl of Redenbacher’s finest overnight. By which I mean to say, your butter has beef flavor on it.

Ted’s – I would pay a hundred dollars to eat at Ted’s, to try a Ted on the

side, and wash it down with a Ted.

We, sadly, went all D and D at the end. Mickey tried to save us with some good Life Coaching at the :42, but the damage was done, and we never really recovered.

We sat for three hours waiting for our salads, listening to the following great music:

• Mad Caddies – Villians

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Tags: beef, comedy, Cooking, fart, fleming's, house, houstons, internet, la fleur fatale, longhorn, mad caddies, myspace, orlando, outback, Podcast, radio, restaurant, ribs, roadhouse, ruth's chris, Ruth's Chris Steak House, somacow, steak, steak and ale, Steakhouse, steakhouses, talk, ted's, television, United States

Ah, yes… The feel of ungummy underdesks, the sweet simmering swell of Mozart, the pleasant odor of Oxy and Sexual frustration… There is nothing like the Gifted class. Once heralded as a brilliant method of forcing the cream to separate at an early age from the chaff, it turns out that telling little Pendleton that he is a genius may not be in his best interest.

I’ve always known that, since the day They first took me by the hand, whisking me from the dullards in Kindergarten, fastening a puppet to one hand, strapping my head with thick, bi-focal lenses, and steadily teaching me a multitude of habits and mannerisms that would keep me from getting laid for nigh on a decade.

Chess and Drama? Check
Role Playing Games and Poetriage? Check
Hours wasted solving a medley of puzzles, mindbenders, logic problems, riddles, and generally being a giant nerd? Check, Check and Tertiary Check, my good man!

So, yes, in addition to creating social nerds, emotional nerds, and stunningly hot chick-nerds, it turns out being “gifted” also makes your kids into underachievers. Specifically, the more you tell them they are smart, the more they fear having that title stripped from them. We chatted about this for quite some time, as we are all huge nerds. Except J. He is losing weight.

F the FCAT, yo. Just sayin’

Is there ANY greater gift than technologically ignorant schools? We’ve had iPods/similar devices for what, a decade now? And they just NOW figured out that kids are using them to cheat? I haven’t laughed that hard since the guy at Checker’s Drive-Thru asked me if I wanted to “Go Large”. Poor, dumb skools… They try so hard. As a matter of fact, F F’ing the FCAT. I hope being graded and coming up dumb hurts, institutions of no-learning. You have perfected the art of boring the mind, crushing the will, and torturing the spirit of every child that ever stepped through your insanely nasty colored halls.

So, this stuff I am drinking? It’s the OMGB! I only hope no one tells me it contains testicular parasites, because only they would stop my thirst for its Vitamin BTwelvy Goodness. Between this and water, HOW CAN I GO HUNGRY? I submit that I cannot.

Do please let us know what you think about this week’s episodes. It is a known fact that Jesus never would have whooped the ass of those moneylenders had he not received the following comment on his MySpace blog:

From: Jude’s A$$
To: J-Drop
Re: Sh*t is wack, priest

Your profile is dope! I love the rotating lowercase t’s… What are they from? I was just down at the hop, and we decided to totally jack your Dad’s Crib. I sent a bulletin, but no one’s coming because Heroes is on. LOL L8R LAMO /loyalty

The rest is history. And what would history be without a fastidious records keeping of the Great SomaCow Moosic (okay, seriously, I am going overboard with the whole “cow” thing…):

Guggenheim Grotto-The Wonderful Wizard
Mad Caddies-Something’s Wrong at the Playground
Less Than Jake-Son of Dick
Gym Class Heroes-New Friend Request

SomaCow Listeners – Heads Up!

The only suggestion I have received for what you wish to be called is The Heard. Comment here with whatever names you’d prefer, and a completely fair and totally legit ranking will be performed.

Moo Ha Ha Ha.

Tags: bazza, chess, comedy, drama, fcat, gifted, guggenheim grotto, gym class heroes, internet, ipods, less than jake, logic, mad caddies, mindbenders, mozart, nerd, orlando, oxy, Podcast, poetriage, puzzles, radio, riddles, role playing games, the heard