SomaCow

 

 SomaCow 471: Marriage Flood [1:01:38m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally nocturnally polyuric at SomaCow.com

Brian Feldman Marries Anyone
Mickey Does Not Love Marriage
Heterosexual Dude Couples
Gay Church
Going to the Chapel and…
Geoff Pees A Lot
Insomnia
Chantix Dreamin’
RHPS
Going Green at the Hotel
10 Gallons of Water
Redeye = Shittiest Show Ever
Manscaping
Geoff is Going Two-Face

 

 SomaCow 344: Cheats and Codes [55:10m]: Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Originally drizzled at SomaCow.com

In this episode, we covered the South Carolina governor’s cheating ways, our manly things, Canada Day, Independence Day, and porn on the iPhone.

I feel awful… Our listener Glenn Webber took over writing show notes for me, and I just now got them in my email inbox. They are lengthy and thorough, and the last two blogs really should reflect that. Good work, Glenn!

So, it seems pretty lockstep around the show that cheating is a no no. We’ll have to verify with Mickey when he gets back. I have never understood the concept of cheating, and why you would not just tell the person you are with that it is over before you start a new plough.

I am happy I sewed my royal oats, as it were, before I got married. I look around me and see 90% of the marriages of my friends ending in a bitter unfaithful divorce. A wise guy I know says if you ever want to think a thing through, write out all the pros and cons and determine the end sum reached.

- Itchy Dick -

Many are the men who thought their one stop pantsdrop would be a momentary lapse of penis, but the reality is that more than half the people you know got something funky going on down undah. Condoms can’t stop it all, people. What if the herpes is on the pubis? Not only do you get that sick feeling in your stomach of being forever afflicted with some nasty nads, but you will eventually give it to your current partner, maybe even any kids you have. Yech. Wham, Bam, OH MY GOD IT BURNS.

- Layin’ Low -

Seriously… What if the girl you pick to cheat with is a fat chick? Or that loud abrasive gal in sales, with the hook nose? What if she’s just needy, and stalks you, calling you at all hours of the night, leaving snotty notes on your car, showing up around your boys and asking for you. You don’t need this noise. Boiling a bunny is just where it starts, and most women know that a cheating guy wants to keep it on the dl. Once a chick knows what you do NOT want, she has a choke chain on you for the duration of your indiscretion. Never give another person your rope.

- Twice the Price -

Maybe money isn’t a problem for you. Maybe you have cold hard cash pouring out of your ears, pooling around you, causing you to engage in Scrooge McDuckin swimming sessions in an ocean of finance. For the rest of us, cash is scarce, especially now. Unless you like washing the sheets once a day, you probably cannot bring your mistress to your bed, and so you end up getting hotels, or driving to their place. Might as well take them to dinner. Oh, and it’s their birthday, gotta get them a bracelet or some other hunk of metal that says, “thanks for effing me!” Whoops… Your wife is now feeling like you never take HER out to dinner, better get her some baubles, too, and on and on and on. I hear a lot of dudes bitch about how expensive it is to divorce. It is far more expensive to juggle dames.

I could go on, but you won’t read it.

Now, here is what you get for cheating – To Stick It In A New Hole

Whoopty Shit.

The curious thing about holes is that once you have explored their depth, they are pretty much like every other hole out there. Do what I did… Get pretty good at spelunking, check out a bunch of shallow caverns, and then go find yourself a Carlsbad. Spend the rest of your life learning its intricities.

And for God’s Sake… bring a canary.

Marriage is an institution within which a man can aspire to become better than he already is, through the guidance of a woman leading him on the road to enlightenment.

(Just kiddin’, guys, I only put that up there because I figured your wives were reading over your shoulders right now. At this point, though, I think it’s safe to assume that she is off attending to some important cleaning behind the refrigerator, or ordering ridiculously expensive “window treatments” (what you and I call “bed sheets”), so we can now talk openly.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but there is a sure-fire indicator that a wife has driven her husband totally nuts: he starts sentences by saying “Don’t get me wrong, I love women, but…”

As far as I can tell, there are only two problems with marriage:

1. There are too many women involved.
2. Those women are reluctant to wear the sexy Little Bo Peep costume that you rented from “Whores D’Oeuvres”.

Mickey seems to have a big problem with the fact that wives can become ex-wives, at which point it costs you half of your hard-earned money. But when you consider that women make up over half of the work force, half of every penny that you currently earn and spend goes straight to them anyway. The women then spend that money on purchases from diet and fitness infomercials featuring Suzanne Somers. The difference appears to be that when you hand your money to a cashier (or waitress, or stripper), you get satisfying goods and/or services in return; whereas, when you hand your money to your ex-wife, you get stories about how her new boyfriend Todd managed to convince her finally to try anal sex, and now she can’t get enough of it.

As far as grounds for divorce goes, Florida appropriately treats it like car insurance: we’re a no-fault state. We should thank God for this, guys, because, in other states, your wife can divorce you for using the ice dispenser while Grey’s Anatomy is on, or for not refilling the potpourri containers in a timely manner. In those states, YOU, an innocent bystander in your marriage, can have the blame placed squarely on your shoulders for not seeing mediocre, quarterly sex as sufficient motive to get out of bed at 3am to check the house, because your wife dreamed that lawn maintenance workers had invaded the living room and were putting their muddy feet up on the chaise lounge while smoking cigars with no ashtrays.

Mickey’s vision also contains a crapload of paperwork. I hate paperwork more than you will someday hate Todd.
I went paperless in 1998 and, apart from some bathroom scenarios that I’m still working on, it has been smooth sailing ever since.
My solution is simple: don’t get married by a minister with a bible, get married by a judge with a video camera. This way, if there is ever any question about what the expectations were going in, you can just call up the judge and say “Your Honor, did she or did she not agree that it is perfectly allowable for me to throw my boxer-briefs NEAR the hamper, not necessarily IN the hamper?”
Case closed.

My best advice to you guys is to wait before getting married. This means two things: you should wait until later in life, when your schedule is not so much driven by which Playstation games were released that week; and that ,you should wait until later in your relationship with a woman before deciding to get married. Remember, every day that you are with her and DON’T get married is another day that you have at least a CHANCE of saying or doing something right for once; a day that you have at least a CHANCE to convince her that a threesome with the hot, busty receptionist at her office would really be a treat for HER; a day that you have at least a CHANCE of discovering a reason that you two should go ahead and break up now, while it’s still free.

I’m going to let you guys figure out the rest on your own. I’ll be over here hacking Todd’s Facebook to make fictitious posts saying how much he likes little boys. And lawn maintenance workers.