SomaCow

SomaCow Media Network is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you by Too Beaucoup Massage Palrol – Check ‘em out for all your rubby nubbies.

In this episode, we discussed the show’s new mindset, which is two-pronged! We will change the world, one drop at a time against the wall of ignorance, and we will fight crime and solve mysteries! Mickey valiantly tries to get us to take the high road, and J and I have none of it, as we manage to yet again fall into bad habits.

A precursory search of the internet reveals that jobs are growing scarce, with fewer and fewer tangible listings and more and more scammery – How are things in your slice of the world? Gone are the days of the Help Wanted sign, so, if the internet has quiet classifieds, does that indicate a lack of available positions?

Listeners of SomaCow are aware that its host engages in a horrifying practice known as naked time. More should not be said of it, but at least it came back to bite me this week. When is the last time you were naked in front of a stranger that wasn’t getting ready to sleep with you? All the more reason to hire an all female yard and pool cleaning team.

We’re excited, as we wind up to episode 200 here at the network. Lots of changes and new stuff for all of our shows, and we’re really looking forward to our new roles as mystery solvers, wrong-righters, and investigative instigators. Now if we could just get some felt for the fan, so you don’t hear it go squeak through the whole show. Jesus. Maybe J can bring some when he gets back from Spook Hill.

We listened to the following great bands in between fan rotations in this hour!

• Likely Story – Loser
• Nandi – Friends With Jen

Tags: comedy, drop, fight crime, ignorance, internet, likely story, massage, me first gimme gimmes, naked time, nandi, orlando, Podcast, push monkey, radio, solve mysteries, spook hill, talk

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you in this hour by Kevin’s stupid hat. It really is the dumbest looking hat a man can wear.

If you personally own such a hat, throw it in a trash can with all speed. Seriously.

So, SomaCow invaded Disney’s Wide World of Schportzen to watch the Atlanta Braves take on the Cleveland Indians. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and Disney has a great ballfield out there in Kissimmee. I highly recommend it, but you will need to take certain steps to ensure you enjoy the day.

1. Bring water, so that you have something to drink on your way to the concession stand to buy beer. Remember that after a few beers, you will develop sun-skunk mouth, so make sure you bring a few extra bucks for a cool-refreshing soda. The soda will probably be too sweet, so you will want to get a pretzel to cut the sweetness, at which point, you will realize that you are pretty hungry, so you might as well get a hot dog. OooH! OR a burger! and nothing goes with a burger like fries, or better still, cheese fries! Those are pretty good, and you might as well grab some popcorn while you are waiting for all that food to cook, so go ahead, at least, unless you would rather have a lemon-icee… Woof… That was pretty sour, better nip up on some of that cotton candy to reset your tongue, although… cotton candy is kinda dry, so, yeah, make sure you bring some water. It is important to stay hydrated.

2. Get the Program if you have kids. It’s a good memento for them, and it will remind you of who the hell is playing. If you do not have kids, save your money for “water”.

3. Get a seat on the lawn. The lawn is where it is at. If you are in a seat, you can not see what is going on. Below is a picture of what I saw from a seat:

Whereas this is what I saw from the lawn:

Yeah.

4. Even in springtime, it can get downright scorching outside. Plan in advance, as the ladies above did, by wearing very little and keeping a cool breeze on your skin. Unless you are a guy. If you are a guy, use beer in copious quantities, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you ever remove your shirt. No one wants to see that, and people paid money to be here, for God’s sake.

(Pic Deleted Out of Taste and Dignity)

5. If you must remove your shirt, do not allow your reasonably hot girlfriend to apply sunscreen for you. The application of sunscreen is a one-way understanding. Male applies to Self, Male applies to Female, Ideally, Females apply to Female, and then tickle Female a lot. NO self-respecting guy should ever get himself into a situation where he is having gay love messages quasi-permanently emblazoned into his skin.

6. Be shade for someone. It’s the right thing to do.

We were joined again by the lovely ladies of Say… Anything, which is always nice. Thanks to everyone that has let us know how great they sounded. We will be sure to have J grow some boobs. We talked up the proper care of hotdogs, and the idea that all relationships are doomed.

They are, you know. Consider every relationship a game of Tetris. You work hard, trying to fit all their stupid shit into your brain, constantly praying that they will drop you some nookie, in the form of a four-in-a-row piece. On and on you plod, shoving their insecurities here, their inconsistencies there, and all of the sudden, you have holes all over the place, and the stupid b&$ch hasn’t given you head in four months, and her dumb friends are coming over again for the third time this week, and they’re all fat, and loud, and short, and they smell like cinnamon farts, and her cat shat all over your shoes again, which is fine, cause they are the stupid shoes she picked out for you to wear in the first place, and kinda made you look gay, but now you have nothing to wear when she drags you off to some retarded renaissance fair, where you will AGAIN get to hang out with her fat friends, except with stupid fancypants and bad food and mosquitoes and fat nerds from Omaha wearing poorly cut felt hats. Anyway… F%$k the Russians, F@&k that Bard, and F*#k Tetris!

We enjoyed the following quality music selections in this, our finest hour:

• They Might Be Giants – Why Does the Sun Shine?
• The Presidents of the United States of America – Rot in the Sun

Stay tuned at the :40 for some Life Coaching with Mickey (Who is NOT an asshole, and is actually quite pleasant)

And some cereal talk. I don’t know why, it just happened.

Tags: asshold, atlanta braves, ballpark, be, beer, chick, cinammon farts, cleveland indians, coaching, comedy, disney, food, giants, hot, hot dog, independant, independent, internet, lawn, lesbian, life, lotion, massage, might, music, omaha, orlando, Podcast, potus, presidents of the united states, radio, relationships, russians, say anything, seat, shade, shirt, soda, somacow, stupid hat, talk, tetris, they, tmbg, water, wide world of sports

SomaCow Media, Inc. is proud to present SomaCow, brought to you this time by House, M.D. No, seriously, we talk about that show a lot in this hour, and I apparently, am one of the last people to hear that doctors are putting maggots and leeches and bandages on their patients. Is this the 1400s? If so, Primae Noctis, bitches!

So, we discuss Mickey’s very, very frightening issue with feet. The dude can’t see them, touch them, look at his own, or even talk about socks, and has actually learned to put on his shoes by jumping into them. I don’t know, the guy has been a rock for years for me now, and all of the sudden he is coming off like a freaking pansy. It’s not like feet are Spiders.

We also talk about the necessity of a happy ending. Look, Masseuses of the world… I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but what you do isn’t relaxing, or even all that necessary, and the fact that you want to pretend you are anything other than the facilitator of a fastbatch is fine by me, but let’s be honest… The only way to “relax” a man fully would involve completion of the massage act. Oh, and guys do not let guys massage their bodies. Period. QED. See the abacus for details.

Oh! And speaking of quackery, the following “diseases” are a goddamned joke, and do not exist:

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
Attention Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder
Fibromyalgia
Rickets
Shingles
Plywood
Endometriosis
Restless Leg Syndrome
Irritable Bowel Syndrome (It’s called farting, you whiners!)

That all being said, there is a very real disease that can lay a man low, and cause marriages to end, and blind children, and may even bring about asphyxiation or death! I speak to you today of the dreaded GrumblyPants. Please, if you have GrumblyPants, tell your friends. And if you know someone who you think might have GrumblyPants, squirt them with some Clorox or something. For God’s Sake, Man. No one should have to go through that.

If you are in the Central Florida area, make sure you check out The Black Rabbits January 5th at Taste in College Park.

And a shout out to The Dollyrots who have been featured a few times on The Reaper!

Speaking of which, here are the songs we played by these awesome bands this week:

The Dollyrots – Tummy Tum Tum
The Dollyrots – Nobody Wants You
The Black Rabbits – Clouds in My Coffee
The Black Rabbits – Emotion

Order all three…

Tags: adhd, alternative, attention, black, bowel, chronic, college, deficit, diseases, disorder, dollyrots, endometriosis, farting, fastbatch, fatigue, feet, fibromyalgia, grumbly, grumblypants, house, hyperactive, independant, independent, internet, irritable, leeches, leg, maggots, massage, masseuses, md, orlando, pants, park, plywood, Podcast, rabbits, radio, restless, rickets, shingles, spiders, syndrome, taste